After 3 yrs of Grief – what is normal?
July 31, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
We have a new reader to our community – Jan left a comment to the Widows Quest Grief Recipe, welcome Jan. Jan asks a great question about grief and maybe we can help her
“I lost my husband 3 years ago this month and this has been the most intensely emotional year…. I thought my life would get better, and it is the opposite. I feel a part of myself is moving on — but I am grieving this “moving on.” Please tell me if this is normal.”
First I am not sure there is anything normal about grief, or a normal reaction for widows and widowers. I believe that we all cope with loss differently and that whatever is our way, then that is normal for us…
I do understand your feelings though, I do think in the first year you concentrate more on practicality, your friends are more attentive…as time goes by the reality does set in and also your friends also move back to treating you “normally”. I also believe that grief is like a rollercoaster, you feel strong, you feel weak. The emotional ups and downs can be enormously tiring. So how I try and cope is
- Exercise. I firmly believe that a walk a day, keeps those depressions at bay!
- Set some small goals to achieve. No matter how small or how daft. Just the sense of achievement lets me feel better about myself. I remember one day my goal was ‘get up’…..but I still crossed it off my list and celebrated.
- One thing that worked for me was arranging a walking holiday for singles. It got me amongst friends, and gave me a few events to smile about.
- Maybe join a nightclass, a sports club – my mum joined bowls and has had a whole new lease of life.
But key is to remember that good old heart of yours has suffered a break, not a break that the world can see as there is no plaster cast. If it was a broken leg, 3 yrs on you may still get some pain now and again or on a cold day….your heart is the same. Sometimes it is about showing the world that you are still hurting by 
talking to those people around you…they will understand.
Anyone else want to offer some thoughts to Jan?
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I’m not a widower, but I’m an only child who lost both my parents while in my 20s. I can only imagine how much it must hurt to lose a spouse, and my heart goes out to all of you.
This October, it would have been 7 years since my mum suddenly passed on, and sometimes, the pain still feels as stinging as ever.
The most important thing, I feel, is to allow oneself to express those negative emotions. Shout it out, cry it out, talk about it, etc.
Let the memories of our loved ones be sources of strength and not burden. Let our lives be living legacies to them.
I know what Jan means about feeling guilty for moving on. I don’t know if this is ‘normal’, but I can say I feel it too.
It’s like, subconsciously, we almost want to continue feeling sad – perhaps we are afraid that moving on means we have forgotten our departed loved ones.
I do think, no matter who we have lost and how, we owe it to ourselves and to those still around us to live the rest of our days happily, in a fulfilling manner.
It’s definitely what they would want.
I am too recently widowed to offer sage advice about the 3-year mark. My sister lost her spouse over 6 years ago. She told me that I had to do what felt right TO ME. And that has helped me a lot, believe it or not.
I am hazarding a guess here – but maybe you are feeling some guilt about moving on, moving forward? I think that would be very natural, and maybe that awakens the guilt that some of us feel after the spouse’s death – should I have/could I have done something so this did not happen to him/her?
I think that if you listen to your heart, you will find that you can give yourself permission to move on, to go forward with a “new” life or at least a new direction. Hugs from Texas.
Guilt in so many ways is what we create, it is not real, it is something that we create in our heads. I often think why? After all the guilt just causes us pain and also solves little!! We are strange us humans aren’t we….
I love Reubans phrase “Let the memories of our loved ones be sources of strength and not burden.”
As I often say we cannot change what has happened, the past….what we can change is our reaction and the future.
I am a three year widow like Anna. I know that her three suggestions work, because I have come to use them also. However, I have many days that I am busy, but still feel very lost and lonely for the companionship of another. I have friends and children and grandchildren, but still sorely miss the one who was always there. Who do widows find to share their moments of joy and sadness with? I am the last of my generation and feel great need for a special friend.
I would love to be your special friend, Kris. My husband died 4 years ago. And I have asked your same question also? It seems we can only share those moments with other widows as they are the only ones who can understand at all. Others try but they cannot. It is one of those losses that noone who hasn’t experienced it can understand or share. I would love to correspond with you. My email is hwhite@ucp-utica.org . Contact me anytime.
I am approaching the 3 year mark in March. I am the one telling myself that I shouldn’t be grieving any more. I never really went through the anger stage and now I think I am facing that stage (especially after snowblowing!) To top it all off, my hormones are all over the place. I love my life and job, but I just don’t know what my problem is these days!