Are we being two faced to ourselves?
November 21, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
Sometimes I wonder when we put on the stoical face, when we smile when we are crying inside, when we say we are fine when we really want to say we feel awful – all in the name of making the other people feel better – is it OK that we are being two faced to ourselves?
Why I wonder is I can see why it is important to say all the words above
- People get tired of us talking about our grief.
- Depression is contagious and people try to avoid someone who is draining their energy.
- To help ourselves - the more we talk about feeling better the more we trick our brain into feeling better.
But the worry for me, is that if we learn to live, hiding our true emotion then do we learn to shut down our emotion and do we learn not to listen to our own grief? Can that be dangerous? This is where I believe support groups for widows and widowers can be so helpful, as it is a safe environment to be truthful to ourselves. 
In reality, I think having the “two faces” during our mourning is necessary but I don’t think we should ever start fooling ourselves at the same time.
What are your thoughts?
[istockphoto]
I am a widow of 6 years. I was very open about my feelings in every context and talked about my husband often. People were amazed and most responded positively. I felt respected and it seemed to give them permission to also be open with their feelings. I felt so accepted and so understood, I think this was critical to my healing and also helped others.
I did encounter a handful of people who were uncomfortable with my openness. However, I don’t believe this was my issue but rather theirs. I think if more of us were open and allowed others to be open, we would feel more supporoted and have healthier, more peaceful communities.