If you have experienced a loss, the odds are high that you know a man who is experiencing the same loss, perhaps your brother-in-law or your husband’s father. As you cry and mourn the death of your husband, you probably have seen the struggle that a man goes through when he is confronted by death. How can you help a man deal with grief and find the healing he needs?

The Constructiveness of Grief
Men are from Mars we have been told and thus the entire approach to emotions is different. But not that different and it is important to understand that. Grief is a process that takes time and it is a time that can teach us much about ourselves and allow us to become fuller in our humanity. As woman cry and men attempt not to, letting them know that their mourning is a step toward the goal of healing will help a man feel more in control. It is in most men’s nature to need to find a sense of control. Helping them understand that this overwhelming grief is something they need to plough through rather than sidestep, will help them find that sense of control.

Inappropriate Response to Grief
Often men in their journey of grief will turn to something to dull the feelings raging inside of him. Drinking is a common response and when it turns into heavy drinking, the grief process is aborted. Another common reaction is for a man who is middle aged to seek a partner that is considerably younger than him as a way to prove his youth and vitality. Financial irresponsibility is another symptom; if you observe that a retirement account is being cashed in or careless spending is becoming routine, it is helpful to gently talk over how grief can be detoured and the harm that can result from avoiding the pain. Grief must be acknowledged and dealt with for healing to occur.

Talking and Acting
Men by nature do not as easily talk to each other as woman do. Fearing they might appear weak, a man will often not delve into his inner emotional backlog as easily as a woman and the burden of grief becomes heavier. If you know a man who is grieving, have lunch or dinner with him and talk. Let him talk by asking questions and really listening. As you talk remember men are more inclined to want to “do” things rather than “feel” things. If you can get a man talking about his feelings of grief, then it would help him to suggest something concrete he can do. Working to build a foundation to memorialize his loved one is an example of a project that can keep the connection to the loved one. Embarking on a new hobby that will show results is also something that can help funnel the feelings in a positive direction.

Spirituality
A man’s spirituality is as important to him as a woman’s is to her, but he may be less vocal about it. If you have a close enough relationship to a grieving man, talking about faith and the soul is a way to open him up to recognize the strength within himself because of his beliefs. If he is experiencing a “crisis of faith” he needs more than ever someone to talk to about his feelings.

Grief is an equal opportunity burden. It will not discriminate against any of us. Remember the men you know who are hurting and in pain from their loss. Making a difference in someone’s life is perhaps the most important mission we can ever have and even in our grief, we can still reach out and help another.

Post from: Widows Quest

Having a quilt made out of your husband’s clothes is like getting a hug from him. It is being snuggled in his arms and it also a wonderful tribute to him and your marriage. There are many kinds of quilts, but the one I am going to show you is the tee-shirt quilt.

If your husband wore a lot of tee-shirts, collect them all together, and visit the site below. It is the easiest kind of quilt to make. Another time we can talk about quilts made from other clothes – a bit more complicated but definitely worth the time.

For now read, How To Make A Tee-Shirt Quilt

Post from: Widows Quest

My world isn’t falling apart, at least anymore, and I sincerely hope yours is not either. But I still have times that I need to comfort and nuture myself. Do you know that feeling? Probably you do.

Let’s all nuture ourselves a bit. Tea’s a good drink and it will keep us going. It’s an easy way to indulge, warm up, and do something healthy for yourself. And it is inexpensive! How often can you find something that can do so much for so little. So here is what you need to do:

• Buy a really nice teapot. You will be surprised at the difference it will make in serving tea to yourself and to a friend. Make sure it reflects your personality and is not just a decorative teapot. It needs to be made of materials you can drink tea from safely.
• Buy some gourmet tea. You can find that at your supermarket or at most coffee shops. Find unique flavors and try some you have never tried before. One I discovered that I loved when I started experimenting was Jasmine Tea; it isn’t for everyone but I adore it.
• Have some nice tea cups and don’t use them for coffee, EVER. It will change the flavor of your tea. And to make your tea taste better, use a cup that is basically white. I don’t know why, but the white cup does make a difference.

To make the perfect cup of tea:
1. Boil some water in a stove top teapot, or an electric water heater. Take it to a full, rolling boil.
2. Preheat your teapot (the serving one) with the boiling water for a minute or two. Discard that water.
3. Place the teabags or loose tea (in a ball) in the teapot and add the boiling water. Let it steep for several minutes. Most teas will give you some guidance in that area but don’t let it get too dark.
4. Remove the teabags or ball, and serve your tea in the pot with cups, preferably on a tray.

And don’t feel guilty about indulging yourself. This is a small, inexpensive luxury and a really nice thing during the cold winter months.

It’s the lttle things that comfort us. And as they say, “Tea’s a good drink, it’ll keep you going.”

Post from: Widows Quest

How do you wake up? Do you eek out every second you can via the snooze button on your alarm clock, then race around like crazy to get out the door on time? Do you barely make it into the office on time? Does your morning consist of a cup of coffee in one hand and a hair dryer in the other? If so, you need to stop that routine and start a personal ritual for yourself in the morning.

This list will help you plan out a new morning schedule that will leave you feeling relaxed and ready to face the day. When you start a morning that way, the entire day will go better. Everyone around you will benefit as well and as we know, good feelings are contagious. It could benefit more people than you would ever imagine.

Another piece of advice. Grieving is hard work. Go to bed earlier at night. You don’t have to give up your entire evening. Just 30 – 60 minutes earlier will give you the time you need in the morning, so that you can prepare for your day with a few simple changes.

• Get up 30 – 45 minutes earlier than you normally do. Rather, get up that much earlier than you plan to get up, not the time you are actually getting up right now. The snooze alarm is no longer a part of your life.
• If you thought ahead, you made the coffee the night before. Plug it in and turn it on. While you are waiting for it to brew, retreat to an area you have set aside for yourself, just for this purpose. It should be stocked with some books that are meditative or thought-provoking. These books are your choice; some people use this time for meditation, reading a Bible or other spiritual material, or perhaps a book of poetry is more your style. Just have books around you that are gentle, kind and written with wisdom. The book that works for me is, “Prayer Book for Widows.” I find it a great source of comfort, even four years later.



• Have fresh-cut (if possible) flowers in your area everyday. They are not expensive and will add much to your personal space. Plants are also a welcome addition and may be more practical financially or considering availability where you live. I have a large peace lily plant; it was sent by a dear friend (who has since passed away also) for my husband’s funeral.
• A small, but high-quality, sound system is a very good investment for your corner of the world. Have a few CDs that will play relaxing, yet thoughtful, music. Play them quietly in the background to create a mood. I listen to music that was special to Floyd and me – it is comforting and provides a connection from the past to bring into the future.
• Get your coffee, and use a large cup so you don’t have to jump up in five minutes to refill it. Drink it slowly and enjoy it – how long has it been since you have actually had your morning coffee and tasted it?
• Delve into your book of choice and make it your daily goal to find one thought to carry with you throughout the day. It doesn’t have to be an earthshaking or deeply profound thought – just something that means something to you and something you can mull around in your mind during the day.
• When your time is over, get up and stretch gently to awaken the rest of your body. Don’t rush, but take the time to pick up your coffee cup and make your area ready for you during your next visit.

Keeping in mind that it takes three weeks to build a new habit, don’t expect to feel the change overnight. In fact, the first couple of weeks are likely to be really hard. It is an adjustment to your body clock and that takes a bit of time. But eventually you will get there and you will treasure that quiet time each morning. You will find that although your grief, or missing your husband, doesn’t leave you, your coping with it will improve. The stress levels, and probably your blood pressure will drop, and everyone will be much easier to get along with, as well. I believe the changes you see, will enforce your new plan until you can’t imagine life without that time in the morning.

Post from: Widows Quest

Grief is something that affects the whole person. It may be the most powerful experience that any of us can go through for it affects us emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. After the death of a loved one, it is common for a bereaved person to experience physical issues.

It is important to remember that we are not separate units within ourselves. What affects our body affects our minds and emotions and the reverse is just as true. Here is a list of the common physical manifestations of grief:

• Chest pain
• Fatigue
• Shortness of breath
• Headaches
• High blood pressure
• Difficulty in sleeping OR
• Inability to sleep
• Loss of Appetite
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Muscle Tension
• Aches and Pains “all over”
• Hair Loss
• Menstrual Irregularities
• Irritability
• Tightness in the throat and chest
• Heart palpitations (being aware of heart pounding or occasional skips)
• Post Traumatic Stress

One issue that is of concern is in regards to people with a chronic illness such as diabetes. The stress of the death and the subsequent grief can dramatically affect a person who has a chronic condition. It is important to seek medical attention if any symptoms arise that would indicate that the grief has exacerbated the existing medical issues.

Although this is a guide for people in grief, contact your physician always for any symptoms you feel need attention. Physicians are a wonderful resource to help you through your grief and can reassure you regarding your concerns that pertain to your own health. Sometimes medications can help; sometimes just knowing this is part of your journey is enough.

Post from: Widows Quest

I never dreamt six months later I would join the ranks of grieving widows.

When I found some support groups online, I met several 9-11 widows. Even though they achieved almost a “celebrity status,” which believe me was the last thing they wanted, they grieved the same as I. Their pain was no different. I have met, in my life, few women of such grace and poise as they confronted their tragedy in the eye of the public.

There is a beautiful memorial Web site at “The New York Times.” It deserves our time and attention. Not because those widows are any more distinctive or special than we are, but because this was an event that caused national grief as well as individual grief. The Web site will be online indefinitely as a tribute to a day we all felt grief, and we all knew what it was to lose someone we so dearly loved.

Portraits of Grief

Post from: Widows Quest

Your story. It is the single most important thing you have as you begin the grieving process. It is the event that caused your life to suddenly come to a halt and head off into a different direction. It is an event you had no control over and now it lives in you and dictates every step of the journey you are on.

Anyone who has lost their husband, or another loved one, has a story. And they know it down to the finest detail. Just like you know yours. Do you realize the importance of your story?

When you lost your husband, you most likely found yourself telling people exactly what happened at the time of the death. If it was a sudden death you can recall almost every detail. What you said, who was there, and what happened next. You know it blow by blow and you have repeated it over and over again. Sometimes you have told the same person that story several times. Each time you tell it though, it is like telling it for the first time for you.

Grieving has a more definite beginning than ending. We know that grieving begins at the moment of the death of our loved one or in the case of a terminal illness; it begins when death becomes an inevitability that cannot be ignored. That starting point is Your Story.

I wish I could say there is a definite ending point, but it isn’t that easy. For now Your Story is something that is therapeutic and starts the grieving process. It begins the outward expression which we call mourning. Without it, without The Story, healing is a much harder journey.

I invite you to embrace your story. It is an important part of you and who you are, as well as whom you will become throughout this process. Tell it over and over and over again. Comment her and tell your story to others and share it. Be sure you document it carefully in your journal.

Why is this Story so important?

When a person goes through a trauma such as dealing with the death of a loved one, the brain goes into a state of shock of sorts. It is almost like a denial. Things mentally shut down. There is a reason for this. It is a protective measure. Digesting all of it at once is more than your brain and emotions can handle. Over time you get it back in little bits, each time a little more as your mind can handle and accept it, until the whole situation has been absorbed. Your story is the way you “break the news to yourself.” Telling it to others is actually a way of telling it to yourself and the beginning of accepting the reality in the bits and pieces you are able.

Your Story is a way of helping you move through the stages of grief. Denial is one of the strongest stages and the one we are most reluctant to dispose of. The comfort of “believing” this person is just gone for a while is terribly deceptive. It is normal and part of the coping mechanism for a time but eventually you begin to move out of denial. Your Story by being told to others makes it real. You have told it to enough people that they know it and can tell it back to you. Denial then fades gradually over time.

The memory of Your Story is more important than you realize. Right now it is painful. It makes you cry probably and sometimes it throws you into a deep despair. But it is precious. Part of Your Story will have the last words you exchanged with your loved one. Part of it will include the unbearable sadness. Part of it will include the actual death. But all of it together will contain the last memories of a person you cared for very much and this validates not only this person and their life but also your relationship. Retelling Your Story imprints it more firmly in your mind during a period of time where your memory is stressed to the maximum.

Your Story is part of you. My Story is part of me. It is making us who we will become, and it is the first step in that process. It is… the beginning.

Post from: Widows Quest

There always seems to be time, doesn’t it?  Time to take more photographs, time to go on more picnics, time to go dancing, time to do any number of things that are precious to us.  Now time is marching on and we are powerless to stop it.  The calendar marks the days, the weeks, months; and we feel it as a painful gash in our souls. 

Time after the loss of someone we love is much like marking the days after the birth of a baby.  We count the days, and then there is some unmarked day in our instinctive memory that moves to marking weeks, and then to months.  It doesn’t seem that we can measure our loss in terms of years for quite awhile.  And we hang on to those days because each one seems to take us further and further from our loved one.

It is hard to remember during those times of intense grief, as the days and weeks pass by, that they are only a flash in the scope of eternity.  To God, to our loved ones, our linear time has no meaning and to them, we will all be reunited soon.  We are moving in a plane that is so restricted and we must face sunrise to sunset, over and over again, marking each day as just another day without the one we love.

Comfort yourself with remembering that your husband is in a place past time, past pain, past suffering where the Light always shines and Love is surrounding him.  He haven’t left you.  He is but a thought away and someday, when it is the right time, you will all be together again.  In a place where time is not a word you need to know, and no separations will ever happen again.

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Post from: Widows Quest

It is time to go into Survival Mode.

When my husband died, it was shortly before school was out for the summer. I had some time off work trying to just cope with the suddenness of my loss and trying to reconcile my life that was one way March 7, 2002 and a whole different life March 8th. To be honest, I don’t remember much of March at all and very little of April. Then school was out in May. I thought I didn’t have control before. The first day of summer vacation I realized I didn’t even have a semblance of control and a routine was totally beyond my grasp.

I received some very wise advice from a very dear friend who happens to be my physician. He coined the term for my summer: Survival Mode. He explained to me that it would not be possible to find my new routine during summer vacation. Not enough time had elapsed since the death of my husband for me to really figure out anything, much less a routine.

Basically what he advised and I am passing on to you is for a while put the hope of a new routine on hold. Do what has to be done and don’t worry about the rest. The new routine will find you. Everyone’s priorities are different but here is a basic list that may help.

• Medications properly given and refilled for family members
• Laundry
• Meals and dishes - if you need to, buy paper plates and don’t worry about any more dishes that you have to.
• Bill paying - you don’t want to lose your electricity or water
• Your work – if you work outside the home those hours are pretty defined for you. If you work at home, just be flexible for a while.

The idea here is that you do what you HAVE to do, not necessarily what you want to do or what you used to do. The routine has changed. It will never be the same. A new routine will come along but it has to in time and it can’t be rushed. Do what you absolutely have to do to keep your family going as everyone adjusts. Nothing awful will happen if you don’t vacuum this week. No one will think less of you if you buy the kids an extra set of underwear to cut down on how often you do laundry.

As time goes by, your new routine will find you. If you find yourself, as I did, in a situation where vacations and holidays coincide with your struggle for that new life, just take a step back. You have nothing to prove. Remember grief works on its own clock; it can’t be rushed. Be assured though, you will find that routine when the time is right.

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Post from: Widows Quest

Post from: Widows Quest