Can Anyone of You Help a Widow?
August 30, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
There are times when we all need help and one of the readers has just written this comment
“I am actually not a widow myself, but am seeking help for my 58 year old mother who lost her husband (my father) on may 17, 2005 after 29 years of marriage. he was diagnosed with stomach cancer just five months earlier, in january of that same year, so we didn’t have much time to say goodbye. the reason im here is that my mom hasn’t been dealing with her grief very well. she drinks, a lot, and no talking or comforting that me or my other siblings do seems to work. she refuses any type of support group, is not one to socialize very much so therefore doesn’t have too much of a life outside of this house. she mentioned to one of my sisters last night that one night almost 2 months ago when she was quite intoxicated, she was under so much stress that she took at least 60 pills of tylenol with the intention of killing herself.
im lost. i dont know what else to do. we have offered support groups, talking to psychologists, shes been on several trips to key west, florida with each of us, and refuses to really go out with friend 
s. we’re running out of options. i’ve already lost one parent, and i am not even close to being ready to lose another one. any advice would be greatly appreciated.”
Wow….I want to help and reach out to this lady. Mainly because I can imagine the pain she is feeling. Can anyone suggest what they would do?
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This entry really bothers me. I wish I could help in some way. I really feel for this woman and her family. The time frame of her husband’s diagnosis and death mirrors mine closely. We found out in January of this year that Rick had a brain tumour and he died in June. I know it can be a great shock. I wish this poor woman and her family could get some help.
I don’t know how much her drinking is involved in her feelings of hopelessness but I suspect it contributes. If I were her family I would contact AlAnon which is the group that helps the families of people who have a drinking problem. My guess is that they have heard this all before and could maybe help in some way. I would also talk to a counsellor myself who may be able to give them some pointers about how to help their mother.
I really hope this helps and that this woman can begin to live a happy and fruitful life again.
There doesn’t seem to be an easy fix. Leslie’s suggestions are excellent. I reread the post, and I realized that it has been three years since the entire family has been dealing with the loss of a husband and father. My heart goes out to the daughter. If you haven’t availed yourself of the support groups and/or grief counseling that you’ve offered to your mother, then I suggest that you seek out that kind of support for yourself. It really makes a difference in the healing process. Hugs!
Mary and Leslie thank you for reaching out, I have thought about this all day and will post my thoughts in a minute. I feel the same, I want to help and hopefully even us reaching out and showing that people care will help…
My husband die 6 years ago and I’m still having a hard time living without him. I never really knew how much I love him until he was gone. Now I wish everyday that I could show him how much I love him. The only thing that has gotten me through it all is having a good relationship with our creator, All Mighty God and reading the bible. Yes, my daughter do what they can to invlove me in there life, but now I must make a life for myself. I’ve come to realize that the bible can be as interesting as reading any book in the book store. For Number 23:19 say,
“God is not a man that he should tell lies,”
These are real life story, sometime I can’t believe the things that people did in the time the bible was written, but still it’s a real comfort for me. Also, I hope to see my husband again here on the earth, in a paradise earth for
Revelation 21:4 say,
“He will wipe out every tear from your eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”
It’s the hope that the bible gives with a promise. These are the things I do to keep me going, some days are harder then others, but I try to keep a positive attitute, not only for myself but my family, because I know they are hurting also.
Linda I am glad that you have found the strength. I must admit I want to believe however, somehow I can’t commit to that belief. I think it must really help to have such a strong religious belief.
You also say that you wish that you could tell him that you loved him…you know I still do. My aunt for instance spends an hour a week at my uncles grave side telling him of all the events and letting him know how much she misses him etc… For me I write it down in letters to him, like a journal…that really helps.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I hope this site gives you hope that one day the pain will ease
I am with Anna, to Linda, I lost my husband 2 years ago in body, 3 years ago for the person I knew. I am drowing in ” the belief” from two friends and my church.. But somehow I try to muster up that ” belief” but it just isn’t there. and I can’t pretend anymore to them that it is.. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in Jesus, God, but the fact they are helping me or will help me is just not happening yet… maybe it hasn’t been long enough.. The only thing that is really helping me is keeping busy to the point of exhaustion and changing my routine, a suggestiion of a councler, the only thing that a $90.00 an hour session brought out.. I gave that up too. I have also recently lost my job, or retired, can’t decide which… but do keep as busy as I can… then I sleep for hours, and I do mean hours, sometimes 12-15 a nite. I can’t decide which ” phase” I am in. I do know that the grief cycles can bounce around, and belief me they are.. But as to whether, God or Jesus, is guiding me.. I don’t know.. I believe it is just time and fate. I will admit, something or someone has gotten me through these 3 years, as I am still here, not broke, and not physically ill, or harmed and still living in my beautiful home..
Although all the ” so called” friends and family have withdrawn within one week of the funeral, which is totally what is to be expected. Some how that hurt sometimes seems worse than the loss of my husband.
I had a wonderful marriage, both the second times, for 20 years. I say I had Camelot, because I did, and now it is gone.. What is left is the memories and pictures of that Camelot and tht is all. I try to explain to my family and doctors the pain I am feeling, not in my heart, but in my body.. all over for three years… no pills are helping, no amount of crying is helping, nothing. I think the biggest fear or phobia that is floating around my head, is FEAR… of waht is ahead… I had it so good for 20 years… not that he took care of me,,, but he was there…
FEAR of finances, FEAR of being alone, FEAR of
not having any kind of life again, ( here I sit at 2:00 in the afternoon with no shower and not dressed) FEAR of getting sick myself and no one to help…
But to, Linda and Anna, I ” pray” that there is a middle road to ” belief” as the answers have to come from “us” I hope in time.. God helps those who help them selves. I just hope I have the strength to really believe that and act upon it….
No widow needs to be without support. The challenge is to match up each widow with the type of support that will work best for her. Online, (free) telephone, (widowsbreathe.com coaching, costs money) in-person (insurance may cover).
If alcohol is an issue, that must be addressed first. Real grief work is possible only when sober.
There is little more difficult than walking the walk of a widow. My hope is that no widow go without support.
Best, Mie Elmhirst. Widow’s Coach
Mie
I totally agree which is why I love this community. I know that I have gained such strength from all the comments and the sharing of tips, of pain, of happiness at times all helps the process. I know that my family was so important to me, that is why I want to help reach out to others…thanks so much for stopping by