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Anna Farmery
Anna is a popular speaker on areas such as social media, personal and employer branding, and leadership. She is an energetic speaker, recently described as "a ball of energy and crammed packed full... more
Cindy – you see subconsciously I was going to miss you! On the mend slowly, gosh so tired with coughing but getting there….maybe you will make it when I rearrange it? Thank you for caring…
Anna, I feel that losing a loved one to divorce may be worse than losing him in death. At least we all still have our happy memories to hold onto. We will always carry their love in our hearts. I recently met a woman whose husband left her for a younger woman this past summer. She is stunned and her self esteem has taken a very big hit. She did not see this coming until he told her. I wish I could help her but it is so difficult as I can see that she has no confidence in herself whatsoever. Not only has she lost her husband but she now is afraid to make any decisions, probably questioning her judgement. While we may be lonely and miss our spouses, we carry a love around in our hearts. She carries a hurt that is very deep and I’m sure will take a long time to get over. You are right when you say that we have lost their bodies but not their souls. This woman has lost everything.
But if we remember that without a spring the clock is gradually slowed down by friction, we find that this process can only be understood as a statistical phenomenon. ,
I can only speak for myself with this issue but I lost my first husband in a divorce after 20 years of marriage. He left for a younger woman and married two in a row – his third wife now wants a divorce. I lost Don to pancreatic cancer after 5 years of courtship and 20 years of marriage. I have to say that this was much harder for me personally. Marriage to Don was a gift and one that didn’t last long enough! The pain of loss has been much more severe than the pain of divorce.
I feel so lucky to have found your site. The “love of my life” my husband were only married for 12 years, but spent a lot of time saying we wish we had met and married in the 1970’s! Strangely our paths did cross and I have a perfect memory of how he looked and sounded, even though at the time I never knew his name. Jack served in Vietnam in 1968 and struggled with PTSD “symptom clusters” about every ten years. Last year was no exception, only worse and in July 2009 he took his own life. This strong, funny man who would never think of doing this to his family. We have wonderful grown kids, great friends, and a caring community, but I’m lost. I always put on my public face when what I really want to do is scream and cry till God gives him back. I just know your site will be helpful. Thank you!
Interesting post Anna and question, I went ONCE to a support group at our church that included Widowed,Seperated and Divorced…I walked out at the first break! The divorced especially were very bitter and negative, their stories were heartwrenching in their own way but so totally different than what I was feeling and still feel. I think divorce would be devastating, to maybe see the person you love in person later happy with someone else, what a hurt that much be! I also think few divorces end with good emotion, it is a “failure” and although we gain from failing, many do not learn or gain but only are left with distrust and low self-esteem, as Leslie noted. I feel that the hurts are not comparable and that is why I left the meeting, I did not have a choice in the ending of my marriage and although I will not suffer the pain of seeing him happy with someone else, I suffer from the loss of a joy and love that was in so many ways my life…it is difficult to even explain the void this loss has left, it is a unique loss I think, and not comparable to a failed marriage, just my opinion. I am very thankful to have my happy memories, something divorced do not seem to have.
Deb
That is extraordinarily lovely! Just yesterday I noticed some bushes my husband and I had planted were changed to a beautiful orange amber color and I could not remember ever seeing them that color before. I look at what comes up and know that it remembers his strong caring hands putting it in the soil and always giving water or whatever else it needed to bloom. That’s the way he was with me too. He gave me such confidence in myself.
Your question is so “spot on”. When my Jack died my friends in the community did amazing things to help. But I was left wondering why they were being so very good to me, until finally I said it to someone and they told me..that I, me, myself was important to the community and they loved me. Then I thought how is it that I was lucky enough to have such friends and one told me it was because that’s the kind of friend I am. It was shocking that such simple kindnesses reaped such a bountiful reward. Still, I crumble when I think of how in the world I missed some crucial clues that may have diverted Jack’s thoughts of ending his life. He was just SO strong and witty, funny, hilarious… he was my hero.
i have beeb a widow for a month and a weekand my husband who is the loe of my life passed suddenly and unexpected and i did not get to say goodbye, i do not know how to handle this
Sheryl – and hopefully you may join in one of our online support meetings in the future. I cannot imagine your pain….I am not sure this will help, but I know that often taking your life doesn’t feel like cowardice or not being able to cope…it is sometimes a strength to leave this world and wait for you in the new life. Often it is done for what feels like the ‘right reason’…I know that sounds strange….
I hope that we can help you through …one thing is for sure you will have many ups and downs…many twists and turns but you are not alone, not at the widows quest community xx
Interesting….I two have had both and although both are terrible, I think walking in on them in bed together had to be the worst…Death is awful and so stupid! But I don’t feel he left me, I feel we are still together and we will be again…wheras being cheated on just ripped my heart out…I was so in love and that feeling of rejection and being unloved ….yuk! Don’t want to go there again…
Maybe it depends on how strong that relationship is? I know that I wouldn’t wish either on my worst enenmy!!
Sheryl….it is strange as we planted a memorial garden and that garden seems to always reflect my mood. I do think nature is such a guiding light..it shows us that no matter how much we want to stop that circle of life, the only definate thing is death followed my rebirth…think fall and spring.
As I write this I am looking at a wonderful tree which was a gift from my love….I often smile as I talk a lot to that tree and fear that someone will come and collect me….but our tree is such a support. You keep fighting and one day we will all blossom again…xx
You know Sheryl….someone once said to me “be you, because everyone else is taken” and that is so true. Our loved ones fell in love with our personality, they may have left us but our personality is still there to shine. We are just used to another person loving us, we just have to learn how to love ourselves again on our own and we will xx
Anna, truer words were never spoken. I miss the little things so much. My husband loved to cook and we cooked dinner together many times. I really miss that. I miss the warmth in bed as well. I think that is why I have such a hard time getting to sleep at night. Sharing a favourite TV show, discussing the day’s news and eating dinner together are some other things I miss. The big things like houses and holidays and other material things mean very little to me now. I think that is one good thing that comes from losing someone so close. It certainly gives you the right perspective. When I see people worrying about their perceived status in life or keeping up with the neighbours I just shake my head and think “if they only knew”. I would give anything to have Rick back but that can’t happen so friends and family are very important to me now and I know the meaning of good personal relationships much more than I ever did. I cherish every person close to me and never miss an opportunity to tell them how I feel.
Leslie, reading your wonderful words made me think that I miss the bad habits almost more! I think because they stood out on a day to day basis??? He always for instance left cups around the house, he was quite a tidy person yet whenever he had a drink he always put the cup down and never took it to the kitchen….now when I get up, I want a cup to be there to take down…more than ever…clearly madness is now setting in!!!
Happy Halloween to you and everyone out there, Anna. I too am looking forward to the happy little faces at the door tonight. I’ve had a hard week- had the flu and generally a feeling of sadness and longing. It was the first time I had been ill since Rick’s passing and there was nobody to care for me but me. I fell into that poor pitiful me mood. But today I am much better and am really looking forward to the Trick or Treaters. To me, children brighten up the darkest days and I am sure tonight will be no exception.
Holidays, even Halloween, are difficult and often bring on strange thoughts. One sensation I have had in the months since my husband’s death bothers me, and I have not read about it in magazines or books or on this website (though I must admit that I just newly discovered this wonderful website). My husband I were together for over 40 years. In the months since his death, I vacillate between feeling like he is still here and hasn’t really left, while also feeling like the time we spent together was but an ephemeral moment – too, too short. There’s the before, which is but a blink. There is the after, which seems like infinity. Have others experienced this as well?
Gosh yes I have felt that and although I have written about it before, I will write some thoughts down for todays post and see if you connect with them….thank you for joining in the communnity
Oh Leslie, I sure hope you are still feeling better each day and that your days of ill feeling are past. I have not been sick since Dave’s death but can appreciate your feelings, so many little things we miss as Anna pointed out the other day.
Anna, I am so glad to read a glimpse of optimism and cheer in your posts lately, am so glad to see that. I am glad also that your flu is behind you . I am very hopeful that ALL kinds of flu will stay away from me but we shall see.
Halloween has never been my favorite holiday and I was kind of dreading it but my new neighborhood is very family friendly and we had shirt-sleeve weather and it was a great night for everyone. Dave loved seeing the costumes and giving out the treats, I was okay with doing it last night, last year I think I shut off the lights and hid, so that is an improvement. I really think each day it seems easier to look ahead and that is progress.
Deb
Happy Dia de los Muertos! I hope that your Halloweens were happy. It took awhile before I could appreciate holidays again after Michael’s death. I live in a condo community, and I don’t get trick-or-treaters. Faculty and staff where I work brought their children in for trick-or-treating on Wednesday. I did get a kick out of seeing the little ones in their costumes. When Michael and I were engaged, he got his truck stolen from the apartment parking lot where I lived on Devil’s Night (the day before Halloween). The people working at the police station were dressed in costumes when we went to report the truck stolen. (It was recovered a couple days later in pretty good shape.) That night we went to my parents’ home to hand out candy to the hundreds of children that participated in their neighborhood’s Halloween. What memories!
Rae: I know what you mean about the time with your husband feeling ephemeral. We were married only 6.5 years (only the fraction of the time of your marriage), but at times it does feel like our life together was only a dream.
i’m facing halloween this year just two months after my halloween loving husband passed away. it’s hard. but i have a 7 year old daughter who loves halloween, too, and we went out trick or treating IN THE RAIN and in the process faced our sadness over my husband’s death. it did us a world of good, and i imagine christmas will be the same. glad you found the strength to face the happiness this year.
Well indeed I did enjoy the evening, and yes Deb I think I was stronger last week. I think Leslie and I are even getting into sync on flu times now as well
I think when you feel ill that strength you need to keep fighting just drains away and I think you just have to fight the infection then cope with life once you feel stronger…
Anna, I can sympathize with your feeling of being out of control. I have felt that way myself many times. We used to have that other person to bounce ideas off of and to give us reassurance that we could get through anything. Now all we have to rely on is ourselves and it is daunting. But, you know it is also a wonderful feeling once we accomplish our goals and gain back that feeling of control. I really like the idea of writing down the actions you need to take and prioritizing them. Even though you are feeling out of control at the moment you will regain your sense of self belief soon. I am sure of it. It is amazing how this grief journey we are all on takes so many twists and turns. There are times when I wonder if I will ever recover but then I have glimpses of the strong woman I am becoming and it feels very empowering. Just know that you have played a very important part in my recovery and in many others, I am sure. I wish you a good day tomorrow and an even better one the next day. I know you will regain that sense of self that you seem to have misplaced today but it will return. As I always say it seems that this grief journey is a case of two steps forward and one step back. At least it’s not one step forward and two steps back. I hope that makes sense. Have a good week, Anna, my friend.
Leslie – thank you, I know that if I can get through to next monday night still in one piece and basically having delivered everything to everyone…I will be proud. Sometimes you just need to vent don’t you, the vent is as good as being back under control…well almost
This is my first time writing here. I am having a bad day. A few weeks ago I was looking for support groups and I happen to see this website. I just need to talk other widows or widowers, I only know a few. Lately, I’ve been very angry at God for taking away my best friend. It’s been year now, and I thought I was doing okay for a while. I am trying, but I miss him so much it hurts. I keep looking for books and answers. Sometime I feel my relatives get sick and tired of hearing me talk about him. But I need to. I do talk to him all the time. Sometimes I could smile about the good times and other times I long for his voice, his scent or him holding me. I just want him back. It sound stupied because I know that is impossible, but that’s what I feel.
Longing to hear him, smell him, hold him are not stupid emotions. They are real and we have all experienced these emotions. You have lost your other half. It is only reasonable to long for him. We here at Widows’ Quest have all experienced these emotions and I urge you to visit this sit often to read Anna’s posts and the replies that some of us regularly post. I too was very low and lost when my husband died almost a year and a half ago but this site goes a long way to make you feel that you are not alone. It is one place where people understand you. The wonderful friends I have made here are indispensable to my recovery. We can all help you so please keep reading and contributing. I for one, will be looking forward to your future posts, Vilma.
There is nothing stupid about wanting your best friend back with you. I want mine back too and God bless our best friends who love to talk about him as well – we share so many wonderful memories. And family of course too – I wish they didn’t all live so far away.
I’m having a very hard time right now – it’s been almost 2 years- but facing the holidays without him and dealing with shorter days and longer nights is something I am fighting as best I can. His ashes are at the beach and I will go there to visit with “him” this afternoon. I can always sense his presence there where we built a new beach house the year before he died of cancer. I was blessed to have him for over 20 years but I would give anything to have one more hug; see his sweet smile and just one more snuggle to help me sleep at night again.
I hope today brings you some blessed distraction to help you get through the pain of loss.
Leslie reading your letter reminds you of mu husband. He was so meticulous and tidy but he always leaves his empty cup of coffee on the dining table. I always grumbled but now that he is gone, I would always look for that empty cup of coffee. Oh God! How I miss him!
Nellie, Please keep visiting this site and contributing. I love to hear from other widows and I know everyone else here does too. We all seem to have very similar emotions and some of them only other widows or widowers could possibly understand. Anna’s postings always strike a chord with me and I am sure with everyone else. Widows’ Quest has helped me so much. I just want to encourage others to participate as much as possible. Reading Anna’s postings really help me and I have found that writing replies has also helped. It gives me an outlet to express feelings that I sometimes keep to myself because I feel others may be getting bored with hearing them. But here, we are all in the same boat, so to speak, and when I write something I usually get someone replying that they feel that way too. It is very reassuring to know that I am not alone. All the best to you today and I hope to see more of your writing here.
Lovely post, Anna. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mum today.
Love to both of you,
Leslie
Thank you Leslie, to good to know that I am not alone. I know now where to go when I need to vent or speak someone about what I am feeling about my loss. Thank you once again, Vilma
Dear Anna, you won’t believe this (or maybe you will), but I was talking about Bonfire Night with a co-worker. She studied in London, and during that time, she and friends took the train to Leeds to attend the bonfire. As she was telling me about her experience, I thought of your family. (This was before I read your post.) My heart goes out to you all. What a beautiful tribute and post!
Hugs,
Mary
Thank you, just spoken to mum and she is ok….as she says she misses him everyday….and today is just another of those days. Funny I was driving back from London tonight – a 5 hr drive and all the way up there were fireworks going off….as I thought about Dad it just looked as though the world was celebrating his legacy…lovely. I miss him but what a wonderful night to remember him on….a night about family and a night which is lit up with colour.
Thank you for all your support…you truly are wonderful friends xx
Hi Anna,
I thoroughly understand your feelings as I lost my dad on 4th November exactly 10 years ago and it was also a celebration time then for others and all places were lit up when our family lost the most loving and caring person. I also remember him everyday but yes, this particular day, we miss him even more. Sometimes wishing we could talk to him or at least if he knew how much we cared and how much we miss him. Even after 10 years, no memories have diminished and it’s like we were with him yesterday and he was taking care of us everytime. I know he is still there somewhere caring for us and making our lives happier.
I pray for you and your family and everybody in this world. May God give courage and strength and good thoughts to overcome the loss.
Thanks,
Soniya
Well I think all the words and emotive words show that nothing that we feel is stupid…it is just how we feel. We all try and use our rational side of our brain to understand the emotive side…and really that is wrong! We will of course miss all aspect of them…the good, the bad…and yes even the ugly! Because we loved them as a whole being…not just one dimensional.
I think the more we share, the more we understand that far from being daft we are just being human…Anna xx
Soniya…the feeling is mutual. On days like this I also start to fear losing mum as she is so precious…then I just try and realise that I am a lucky little girl for having parents who loved me, nurtured me and no matter what i did stood by me….then I start to think about what I have gained from the life of Dad rather than what I miss from the death of Dad….make any sense?
I guess we could sometimes feel their spirit because we were once so close to them, and I would even have to go on and say that we still feel that way. These were our soulmates, we were one. My husband loved music and he would often sing or whistle alot of tunes. So I could be in my car, in the supermarket, watching t.v., at a party or anywhere that they could be playing a song that he would sing. At that moment, I may be feeling down and just to hear almost his voice singing it lifts my spirits. If I am getting dressed, and it is something that he liked I could hear his comment about it. If I am cooking and (this is something he loved to do) I picture him around the kitchen giving me tips on what will make it taste better etc., and I have to say that I have become a better cook than ever with my own ideas. He would love that. Like you said that habits have to be replaced with new customs.
Widow grief: I feel more lonely in a crowded room. Everyone else seems to belong somewhere. I don’t seem to belong anywhere anymore. To ease the loneliness, I have to be alone because that is the only time I can hear myself think. It is harder to think now, so I need the quiet. I turn the radio up full blast to drown the world out and have quiet in my mind.
A widow’s paradox.
Wow! It is amazing how we all share such similar emotions. I believe it was just a little over one year ago that I posted on Widows’ Quest that I felt more alone in a crowd than while by myself. Camie, just know that we all understand what you are saying here. We’ve all been there and we are all with you. I’ve had so many ups and downs on this journey of grief that I have lost count. I do feel that I have more ups than downs lately. It is a long journey and I’m not sure if it ever comes to a complete end but life does get better.
There is no acceptable day to grief.. Grief is normal and you have the right to grief anywhere and anytime. The only thing is that you should make sure you don’t hurt others emotions while grieving.