Children and the Bereavement Process
October 18, 2007 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Bereavement and Children
So often we try and shield children from the grief, from the pain of losing someone close. I found the approach of a Scottish husband so refreshing as detailed at the Scotsman.com
“I basically told them two things – that mummy died because her body had stopped working; and that it was not their fault, my fault or mummy’s fault,” recalls Klaus.
“They then went to see Brigid in the room where she died. I know there’s a big taboo about that sort of thing but I thought it would help them to see her and I thought it was right to include them in the grieving process.”
He also says ”
He says: “I think it was very important to accept help from outside. I felt it was important not to close your doors and lock yourself away with your grief.
“I would urge anyone going through something similar to accept help as much as possible.” which I believe is so true.
The article also points to a UK charity that helps parents and bereaved children to come through the grief, it is called Winstons Wish The charity looks excellent and has many
resources for people in this situation.
I lost my husband just over 3 months ago. We have two beautiful children, 4 and 2 years old, with a third one due in January. I have tried to be open and honest with my son about what happened to daddy, but it’s hard. The worst part for me is knowing what an incredible father he was and knowing that they won’t remember it. I really worry about our third child. Not only will this baby not have any memories of daddy, this one won’t have any pictures with daddy to look back on either. As hard as it is, I want to make sure they always know that their daddy loved them and that they can always talk about him.
Oh Jenni my heart goes out to you. For me it is about keeping his memory alive…talk about him, have family photos around the place, maybe collect a few items of his and put in a box for your newborn to open later in life. With a note from you written now, saying how much you wish that he had seen them, but that you know that their dad will live on through them and that he will be with them throughout their life. Maybe put a photo album and put in the box as well.
I also believe in finding ways for the children to show their grief…painting etc They are young but maybe in a couple of years they will need to go through the grief process again. You are right to be open and honest…and can I say that you are a special person in dealing with this in such an open and strong way x
Jenni
I am so sorry for the roller coaster you are on right now. and when it comes to children, who really knows the right way. The right way is what works for you.
I did this for a baby gift for a dear friend of mine and I think it would work also for your youngest child.
I started a photo album with my personal letters and pictures of Leesha. I wrote the baby clark-fisher what an amazing mom she has and alot of the funny things about her that she probably wouldnt tell her. I put in photos of when Leesha was in school and made captions in it and I told her about her Uncle Jeff that she wouldnt get to meet along with my daughter Jill for a long time because they were living in Heaven, where we will all live one day.
I wrote about his favorite hobbies and how he laughed and what a pain in the butt he was to Leesha and I. and I told her about Jill and all her antics and laughter we had, and put plenty of pic in there of Leesha’s life.
Maybe you could start a journal to your baby, dating each day and writing Dear……….. You’re not here yet but there’s a very important thing you should know about your daddy. You might even get your older chlildren to join in to help make their baby sister know what they know thru pictures they draw and thru you writing what they want to say.
It might be good therapy for everyone while making a wonderful, heartfelt and loving keepsake of the kids dad and your loving husband.
I found when my daughter was killed, I journaled to her writing Dear Jill………… and telling and talking about things we normally would. I made her stay real to me and close to me.
I know you will find what works for you and I will pray for you to find the perfect ways to keep him present in spirit to your whole family,
this is just a thought, I know at times like this, any life raft is a welcomed sight.
Hugs
Jackie b
Great ideas there…I created a picture book too and find it a wonderful resource for those days when you want to remember the good times rather than the grief
i cannot even begin to comprehend the pain that Jenni is experiencing. My heart truly aches for you and your children. I wonder if there have been any books that have helped your children to mourn and grieve in ways that gave them ongoing ways to remember their father. If there isn’t a book or books that have been comforting, maybe there might be hope to create one together… words, feelings, pictures that each of you contribute to tell your story and their father’s story – what you think he might have said today about each of your achievements, problems, grief, etc. I have been trying to research ways that aid families and children and rituals and creativity seem to be the most sensitive and loving ways to express the multitude of feelings you are experiencing and may continue to experience throughout your own lives. I would love to stay in touch, Jenni, to hear how you and your children are handling your grief.