Control – what control?
November 3, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Affirmations of Life
Oh dear I have slipped today, after such a good week – but hey isn’t that what grieving is all about?
This week is such a bad week for me I need to be in 3 places at once, most days and I am feeling totally out of control. I wish that I didn’t have to balance so many competing things….
When you get out of control, doesn’t it feel so depressing? You start to feel as though no one values YOU, that you seem to spend your life pleasing other people, accommodating other people…but who is there now for YOU? (Widows Quest community accepted of course)
I was thinking tonight about how to pull myself through this…and came up with one key thought. When you are out of control, the only thing is to
- Make a list of actions with critical dates
- Prioritize them (based on the dates for me)
- Take each action one at a time
- Don’t waste time panicking, use that time to grab your control back
The good news is that this makes total sense, the bad news is that I still feel alone and fearful….grieving can strip that belief you can achieve the impossible away, I need to make my first action….find where that self belief has gone for the moment 
Anna, I can sympathize with your feeling of being out of control. I have felt that way myself many times. We used to have that other person to bounce ideas off of and to give us reassurance that we could get through anything. Now all we have to rely on is ourselves and it is daunting. But, you know it is also a wonderful feeling once we accomplish our goals and gain back that feeling of control. I really like the idea of writing down the actions you need to take and prioritizing them. Even though you are feeling out of control at the moment you will regain your sense of self belief soon. I am sure of it. It is amazing how this grief journey we are all on takes so many twists and turns. There are times when I wonder if I will ever recover but then I have glimpses of the strong woman I am becoming and it feels very empowering. Just know that you have played a very important part in my recovery and in many others, I am sure. I wish you a good day tomorrow and an even better one the next day. I know you will regain that sense of self that you seem to have misplaced today but it will return. As I always say it seems that this grief journey is a case of two steps forward and one step back. At least it’s not one step forward and two steps back. I hope that makes sense. Have a good week, Anna, my friend.
Leslie – thank you, I know that if I can get through to next monday night still in one piece and basically having delivered everything to everyone…I will be proud. Sometimes you just need to vent don’t you, the vent is as good as being back under control…well almost
This is my first time writing here. I am having a bad day. A few weeks ago I was looking for support groups and I happen to see this website. I just need to talk other widows or widowers, I only know a few. Lately, I’ve been very angry at God for taking away my best friend. It’s been year now, and I thought I was doing okay for a while. I am trying, but I miss him so much it hurts. I keep looking for books and answers. Sometime I feel my relatives get sick and tired of hearing me talk about him. But I need to. I do talk to him all the time. Sometimes I could smile about the good times and other times I long for his voice, his scent or him holding me. I just want him back. It sound stupied because I know that is impossible, but that’s what I feel.
Longing to hear him, smell him, hold him are not stupid emotions. They are real and we have all experienced these emotions. You have lost your other half. It is only reasonable to long for him. We here at Widows’ Quest have all experienced these emotions and I urge you to visit this sit often to read Anna’s posts and the replies that some of us regularly post. I too was very low and lost when my husband died almost a year and a half ago but this site goes a long way to make you feel that you are not alone. It is one place where people understand you. The wonderful friends I have made here are indispensable to my recovery. We can all help you so please keep reading and contributing. I for one, will be looking forward to your future posts, Vilma.
There is nothing stupid about wanting your best friend back with you. I want mine back too and God bless our best friends who love to talk about him as well – we share so many wonderful memories. And family of course too – I wish they didn’t all live so far away.
I’m having a very hard time right now – it’s been almost 2 years- but facing the holidays without him and dealing with shorter days and longer nights is something I am fighting as best I can. His ashes are at the beach and I will go there to visit with “him” this afternoon. I can always sense his presence there where we built a new beach house the year before he died of cancer. I was blessed to have him for over 20 years but I would give anything to have one more hug; see his sweet smile and just one more snuggle to help me sleep at night again.
I hope today brings you some blessed distraction to help you get through the pain of loss.
Thank you Leslie, to good to know that I am not alone. I know now where to go when I need to vent or speak someone about what I am feeling about my loss. Thank you once again, Vilma
Well I think all the words and emotive words show that nothing that we feel is stupid…it is just how we feel. We all try and use our rational side of our brain to understand the emotive side…and really that is wrong! We will of course miss all aspect of them…the good, the bad…and yes even the ugly! Because we loved them as a whole being…not just one dimensional.
I think the more we share, the more we understand that far from being daft we are just being human…Anna xx