Coping with the Anniversary of Loss
May 28, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
The comments to Don’t Forget the Good Times really touched my heart. Anniversaries are tough and I thought I would share how I cope…as I said in my comment to the blog post
“Pain makes me realise my heart is still alive, it is still feeling….pain means that the love is still alive.”
So often during bereavement you can feel numb, you can feel, well actually not feel anything. It was my Nana who taught me something about heartache. She said “Heartache takes away the numbness. Heartache means that your heart is alive and still capable of loving. Heartache means that your love has not died with their death. Heartache should be embraced over the years as it is a positive sign that your love endures, and your heart is learning to love again”
At the time I thought this was daft! But now I think I believe in this idea. Now as the pain increases I smile as I don’t feel the hurt, I try and feel the love. I am not sure if this will help – but always remember we are all here for you.
Thank you Anna for providing a very positive way to view this upcoming anniversary. Being the chicken I am and absolutely dreading the acutal day of Dave’s death, July 3rd and the long holiday weekend in the states with all the celebration, I am running! Actually I am seeing it as an adventure and I prefer to do it away from the fireworks and the sad memories and aloneness, I was totally alone when he died and had no family come to be with me for the entire long holiday weekend, I just do not want to relive that! So I am off to Nova Scotia, Canada to meet for the first time a long-time internet friend and her family, Dave would think I was daft but I’m doing it! I actually am looking forward to it and am hopeful it will be a very positive experience. This new life needs to be what I choose and not just sadness and struggle, so perhaps as the 2nd year starts I will be more adventuresome and find that strangers will become friends. I also am realistic enough to know no matter where I spend it, it will be emotional but I will get through it!
Deb
Deb – you see I don’t see that as chicken, I see that as taking the initiative, taking control of the pain, taking control of your life. For me it is harder to do something positive, my weakness is sitting and wallowing….Good on you girl and I hope you have a wonderful time.
I haven’t wrote anything here for awhile as I have a hard time navigating this not-so-new site.
I am still in the months anniversaries. Christmas Day was one month. Memorial Day was 6 months. 6 mths seems like a long time but it feels like it just happened. I still walk around the house, go to bed, do anything and think to myself that it really isn’t true and that my James will be there when I get up or get home.
I was just in FL at my companies annual conference. This was a big first. James was always there with me so everyone knew him. We get people from all over the world. though most had sent me cards and emails, I guess the polite thing is to offer your sympathies in person when you first see them. This brought it all so back to the present all over again. It was a very emotional week. I even had a kind woman saying that God will send me someone. Those who have known me all my life know that this is more than likely not going to happen. I know me. People roll their eyes etc but I know that I will remain a widow wiht James’ memory always in the forefront and it would not be fair to anyone else. I am thrilled for those who find another love, a different love as no two are the same but it isn’t something for me. I seem to be unique this way but I am okay with it. I was 32 when I married him and next month will be 50. I spent my first 32 years alone and I can spend my last 32 alone also. I am okay with this and I wish people could accept it.
It is late and I am rambling and I am sorry. I wish you all peace and kindness.
Donna
Good for you, Deb. I hope you have a wonderful time in Nova Scotia. I am right in the middle of my dreaded anniversary now and, so far, it has not been as bad as I thought. I am keeping busy. This morning I attended my 3 year old grandson’s first soccer game.This afternoon I went to my older grandson’s lacrosse game and tonight all three of may daughter’s boys are staying here with me while their parents are out. Tomorrow we will get together for a family dinner as a way of supporting each other. Tuesday is the real anniversary of Rick’s passing but the weekend is the only time we can all be together. With all this family around I am sure I will be fine. I really understand what you mean about your new life needing to be what you choose. I feel the same way and am doing my best to find my own way. Once again, I wish you all the best as you visit my country in July.
Donna – It is hard I know that and I agree with you that coping with other people and their comments is often the hardest part of grief. Anniversaries are hard for us all – look at Leslie at the moment. People are right that time is a good healer…but only in a sense. Time doesn’t heal, it just helps you cope.
I know one of the thing that has helped me are the conversations on here….do they provide answers – no! Do they allow me to be open and honest about the way that I am feeling – yes! We may need to cope in front of others but none of us have to “cope” when we are writing at Widows Quest….we just need to be honest and allow the community to help.
Anna x
Donna I am sorry that the comments by others are so hard but I am afraid it is part of this journey, if you are like me you wish you could tell them to say nothing but they feel they must say something. I can relate to your years alone, I was only a month from turning 30 when I married Dave and our 25 years (short two months) was wonderful and I doubt I will be happy with anyone again, I do not say never. I just would like to reach the contentement stage if not the happiness stage, do you know what I mean? You are still early in this journey and I will reach 11 months this week a day before Leslie has her year sadversary, we will be here to listen and to offer strength no matter what the “date”. This community has been such a help and a place to “unload” so feel free to do that whenever you feel the need, none of us know all the answers but there is strengh in numbers they say. I wish you the best.
Deb