Death – Is it the greatest loss?
May 14, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
Widows Quest is wonderful for how people share stories and also thoughts on death and coping with grief. Cindy left a comment to the post Love is Immortal and I thought I would share a quote that she left on the blog
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.”
by Norman Cousins
…I would add that maybe the greatest loss is when we allow what dies inside, to define who we are in the future. Something may die, but remember the body and mind may live…
Dear Anna,
Cindy sure hit it right on the head with that quote. I never thought of it that way but it is so true that we feel that something inside of us dies when we lose someone so close to us. The loss of a spouse whom we loved and shared everything with is surely the biggest loss I can think of. It crushes your spirit and leaves your heart feeling like it is on life support. Sometimes it feels like we are just going through the motions of living and are not really sure why we are still here. But the human spirit will conquer those feelings if we just let it. As you say the greatest loss would be to define ourselves by that loss.
It is getting very close to the first anniversary of Rick’s death and it has been very difficult for me the last week or so. However, I know that looking to the future is the only thing I can do and I embrace that wholeheartedly. Rick would surely not want me to define myself by his death but by the way I am finding my own path. It is so difficult, as you all know, but it is so necessary. For life goes on and we must find a way to define ourselves, each and every one of us.
Love to all of you.
When I’m facing a challenge, I tell myself the worst that could happen is that I die. If you have spiritual beliefs that’s not a horrible thing.
Anna,
I really have believed that when Don died , the thing that died inside of me was my old ability to find joy in day to day activities and enjoy pure and simple laughter. We had that together and it was a part of our individual personalities too.
I can fill my mind with remembered joys but I don’t want to live in the past – I want to live for tomorrow. I want to find that old lightness in my heart which, when found, can give me the wings I need to fly.
I will never give up on that but it has been a struggle. Cindy
I’ve had a pretty tough time since October 2008 when I lost an aunt to breast cancer. Then my dear sister lost her husband on my birthday in December 2008. I then was made redundant from my job in February 2009, and then lost my father-in-law to lung cancer in March. Right now I think reality has hit me with all these events and need to find counsel to help me through these changes in my life. The biggest impact has been the death of my sister’s husband. He had been sick for long time but died from an infection his body could not fight. The family have been there to “support” my sister, companion wise, day to day support (my parents drive her to work whereas her husband used to do that), taking her away on weekend breaks, inviting her over for family time and dinners. She was finding it hard to clean some of his belongings and medicines out, so asked if I would mind – of course I wouldn’t mind. This weekend me and my parents took her away. The time was awful. She spoke to me rudely, was bossy to everyone and nothing was right. I felt I had had enough and retorted quite sternly which upset her. I am now finding it difficult to be able to have a compassionate ear for her at the moment. At least I had it up till now. She seems angry at lots of things and now I feel she is directing a lot of this at me and that the loss is just all about her. I too am having to deal with the fact that he died on my birthday. Every celebration the family has shared so far, she dwells on her husband not being there and how he would have enjoyed it and then sometimes starts to cry. I sort of expected this type of reaction for the first year of his death. But now I feel I don’t want to participate in celebrations because the joy of those celebrations will only be overshadowed by comments of my sister. I thought I could try and help her through this time but now I think I need to do some healing of my own. The thing is I still want to be there for her but I just don’t know how. Can you help give me some direction as I love her so dearly. She does not have any children of her own. She is now on her own. So any suggestions, advice would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards, Jackie
Jackie
Gosh you have faced so much! I suppose that I would say
a) People deal with grief differently. I know that my sister reacted very differently to Dad dying than I did. My nana said to me…just remember each of us have to grieve in our own way. Allow her space, allow her to be bossy, angry whatever…that is her way of dealing with it. Don’t judge but also don’t take the pain on yourself. That helped me. I allowed her to be herself but I also didn’t allow her free reign….
b)also see what you need. You seem to be grieving differently. Choose how you grieve and give yourself that space. Crying, laughing, going out, staying in ….it doesn’t matter it is what you need.
c)Try and manage your time with your family. Keep it in small chunks until some of the pain has subsided.
d) If the situation continues then one thing you could do is write a letter to her?
Jackie – I hope some of these points help but keep talking , keep commenting and lets see how we can all help you. We also have a phone call each month to talk through issues which may help?
Anna