Define or Refine Through Grief?
August 10, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief, Legacy
On last nights online grief meeting we talked about the difficulty in finding who you are….
It is interesting that I have always seen myself as independent, a romantic yes…but never thought that I had lost that independence. Then death happens and suddenly you don’t know who you are….somehow you realise that you had morphed from a person to a couple and your other half is missing.
I often write about defining yourself, in fact last week I talked about Building A New Life From Grief and said
“To build for the future you need to come to terms with who you are, what you stand for and what is important in your life. Death may make you feel that your life has ended…but it is only a chapter. The core of your happiness might not be there but in the end what creates happiness is being happy with you.”
During the session last night I suddenly thought….is it about defining who you are? Because at the time of grief, your point of reference for defining who you are, is still as one half of a couple. So maybe it is not the right time to define…but refine.
So maybe what you need to do is Refine yourself. Refining is about 3 things
- Letting go of the aspects of who you are which you don’t like – we all have them!
- Taking forward the parts of your personality which you do like
- Thinking about the things you would like people to think about you and what you need to add in the future
Refining feels better, it means that you can close one chapter and take forward the best part of you into your next exciting chapter.
Im a recent widow and for the past 4 and 1/2 mons. I guess I have been just going and not stopping..until this weekend. Everything has just hit me hard.The realization that my husband is forever gone how much I miss him, that our children will never truely know what an amazing being he was and how he was looking forward to fatherhood. I feel completely lost my thoughts are everywhere. I consider myself to be a strong woman, and now I know that instead of trying to distract myself with the things that I have to do. I need to face them and find myself, to refine myself. Which has brought me to your website.. From the first paragraph, I know I WILL be ok.. It will be a journey that Im looking forward to and that strength that I need right now, and always. First step, REFINING MYSELF!!
Yes Anna it was a thought provoking discussion and I am glad we both seem to have agreed that the refining is what is necessary, it is a journey of finding self it seems as if the journey of grief were not enough! I think we are so much shaped by our pasts but becoming one after so many years as one of two is a new challenge. Thank you for providing such a great outlet for discussion and sharing. I do hope others join the discussions, there is so much to be gained in actually “hearing” each other and it adds another dimension to the “not being alone” in this journey.
Deb
It was great to speak to you Deb, I struggle to talk would you believe in my “real world” and the web allows me to think about my future. Thanks again Deb