Do you feel invisible?
October 18, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
Often I am glad that I feel invisible but I don’t know about you, but when you are widowed you suddenly feel invisible to the world. After the first few weeks, suddenly the world moves on and yet you are not ready to…Why do I feel invisible?
- Because I need to find my own personality again, you are no longer the same person, the one in the couple. You are invisible, because in some way you are invisible to you?
- At home when the tears flow and no one in the world can see the pain I feel. After those first few weeks, I understand how people forget, or want you to move on as they are drained from the emotional support they have given you, however it can feel the loneliest time for your grief.
- Out and about when people talk in couples, as though a single person is somehow odd…
- In supermarkets, when everything feels made for a couple or a family
Are you the same as me, that when you want to be invisible to hide away with your feelings – then you seem to be very visible to the world! When you need the love of others or acceptance, that is when you seem invisible?
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You’ve hit the nail on the head. Sometimes the universe seems to be conspiring against me. The other night, I wished I could have been invisible. My sister-in-law and I went to see a band play at a local bar. This is a big step for me; it’s easy to hide away in my widowhood. Apparently the clientele is mostly in their 20s and 30s.
Even before we had paid the cover charge to get in, a customer (who didn’t look that young, by the way) asked us if we knew where we were. It was the first time we’d been there, but we came to see the band, not pick up 20 year olds. He put his foot deeper into his mouth when he said, “you look like my mother.” Fortunately the band didn’t care how old I was when I bought their 2 CDs! The lead singer invited me to sign up for their email list.
The guy would never have questioned us if I’d been with Michael. Michael was a big guy, so he wouldn’t have dared.
Yes – you are BOTH so right in your assessments! Everyone seems to be paired up, and gee, last time I looked, it was a free world and you could go wherever you wanted to go (for entertainment or for ANYTHING). What a nervy, “cheeky” man who accosted you. I would not have been silent, however – he needed a good dressing-down. Don’t get this ol’ bird riled up, or she’ll attack with claws out!
I mourn the loss of “us”, as I am sure you both do. We had many things in common and enjoyed doing them together. Even mundane things like grocery shopping… And it gave you a feeling of safety, having a man at your side. Now I am so conscious of setting the alarm at the house, of running into a store when the parking lot is darker in the evening… My knight is not there at my side any longer.
Jessica,
Sometimes for me, silence speaks louder than words. I’m known for my withering looks of disbelief. The guy in the bar experienced that. He came by later to apologize. By that point I really didn’t care, so I just brushed him off. My sister-in-law (married to my brother) felt worse than I did. My stance was “f*&%!” him. I can be one tough bird. Don’t mess with me, man!
This made me smile so much, I can just picture you! Also Jessica I would argue that he is still with you, maybe not in person but as that guardian angel. Last month I couldn’t choose between 2 things in a shop, I started to mutter under my breath as if he was there…suddenly I knew which was the best buy….
You know our trick over the next few months is turning it around so we are invisible when we want to be, and visible when we need that love!