Do you feel scared?
July 2, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
Grief affects in so many ways, it shakes your self confidence to the core. I find that I get scared about the future, of loneliness, of never feeling happy again. I find that social situations scare me, I don’t want to be around people that I don’t know.
I wonder why someone who used to be so strong and indeed so sociable can feel this way? Me, as a person has not changed or have I? My personality is bound to be different by losing someone I love. He helped give me strength, helped give me confidence. But you know, it was there before I fell in love. When we 
feel scared we need to look at who we were before falling in love…that person is still deep inside and we just have to find that person again. When you are in a couple, you merge, you play to each others strengths…now we need to find that whole person again.
Being scared is natural, emotions are natural. Maybe being scared is a sign that the numbness is subsiding and that our capacity of feeling is returning….
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I don’t know if I would describe my feelings as being scared – but maybe reluctant is a better grasp on my feelings, when I am not sure that I want to participate in some events or gatherings. After I went to a bunco night at my church, I felt like the gathering was heavily weighted with older (read: older than ME) women. I had hoped to maybe find some around my age, but those were few (and married). So I don’t think I will return.
And I guess I am changed (personality-wise) by losing someone I love, also, as you mentioned. I would describe myself as sociable, too – but just don’t feel like many opportunities present themselves right now – and I would like to think that I would avail myself of them, if there were some!
I am truly looking forward to a visit back to the state I grew up in (MN) and to seeing some family and friends. I think that is what I desperately need now. Family. So lonely here.