Do You Seek Loneliness or Enjoy Solitude?
March 25, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
I was reading about Jack Tweed who is the husband of reality TV star Jade Goody who at the age of 27 lost her fight against cancer this week. According to reports he is struggling to be alone in his grief.
There is a fine line between enjoying solitude and feeling the depth of loneliness.I know the importance of checking whether you are using the solitude to hide from life, to hide from the hurt of grief. I know how sometimes it is easier to dissolve into a world of solitude…rather than having to join the world again. But beware that the solitude can become loneliness and loneliness can become depression…..
I have always been the kind of person who is happy to be alone. I have never been lonely when I am alone. In fact I feel in 
grief I am lonelier when I am in a crowd – because that is when I miss him the most.
Yet other people cannot stand being alone in their grief. This just shows how different we all are and how coping with grief is personal to us all.
Are you a person who seeks solitude or someone who fights off loneliness?
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Anna this has caused me a great deal of thinking, I find myself answering yes to both, there are times when I do seek solitude but their are other times when the solitude leads to the loneliness and recently I am realizing very dangerously close to complete apathy and thus depression around the corner. We are the only ones I feel that can make this call and also make the steps to keep healthy, mentally, in our grief. I for one have kept myself so busy the first 8 months there has not been a lot of time beyond numbing sadness/crying hysterically and then getting on with the next task, now as the anniversary of the 9th month approaches (the 3rd) I am slowing down and the apathy and loneliness are here, I am forcing myself to keep busy but I also find after having company for two days that I also am drawn to solitude. I am not ready to engage in life, I am not ready to commit to a firm schedule or volunteer, selfish??? Probably but it is where I am right now and I think I will be choosing solitude and enjoying it most of the time, the next few months, as the “one year ago” memories overwhelm me at times. Thank you Anna, you always force me to evaluate and that is a good thing!
Deb
Dear Deb,
It will be ten months on April 2nd that my husband died. I have been doing the same things as you – keeping very busy, sometimes I don’t think I give myself enough time to think. Then, sometimes I just want everything to slow down and I long for solitude. When I have the solitude I find the loneliness setting in. I miss Rick terribly. My heart aches so badly sometimes I think it will break in two. I just returned from a vacation to Mexico with an aunt and cousin. It was wonderful but I kept wishing he were there to see the things I was seeing and experiencing the things we did. My aunt stayed with me for a week after our vacation and then returned to her home in another city. It seemed so quiet here but I just keep on doing what I usually do and hope that the loneliness somehow will disappear. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I’m sure you will agree. Somedays I don’t think I can do it anymore but I just keep going and my mood usually changes. We have to fight depression and I am sure we can do it, Deb. We owe it ourselves and to those who care about us and especially to our late husbands. I am sure they would want us to be able to move on with our lives and find some happiness. I hope I am not being too personal here but your posting today just struck me. I think it is because we are such new widows and our husbands died very close to one another. Have a good weekend and remember that it is always darkest before the dawn.
Love,
Leslie
Deb/Leslie what lovely words and yes, those feelings are so true. I suppose why I wrote the post was that we need to keep a check on ourselves. At what point does enjoying that solitude – which can be healthy – become an unhealthy depression or loneliness? Because I am quite insular I think I tread a fine line and need to be more aware of when I am treading too close. I think that is where friends can help….true friends know when you need space for solitude and a hug for loneliness.
I was thinking today that when I feel that loneliness coming on, I come here…you are my human antidepressants!!! You see no matter how you are all feeling you are doing one wonderful thing for someone