Don’t Forget the Good Times
May 26, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
The memory that remains so etched on my mind are those final hours, which I can understand. However, as widows and widowers we need to look past the pain so that the painful end to our shared life, doesn’t define our love. When you think about it, you will have been with your partner for years, months, weeks in which we shared laughs and love so intense. Yet we can lose all those happy times because of the pain of their death.
So the easy thing is to say remember the happier times…yet that brings pain too as you ache for those times still to be possible!
It is so strange….almost it is easier to cope with the pain of the death than the pain of the happy memories!
Maybe the trick in grief is to balance the two – coping with the pain of loss with the memories of the happier times?
Anna, most of the time I can remember the good times and smile. However this week is getting the better of me. These were the last days of Rick’s life just one year ago. As we get closer to Tuesday which will mark one year since his death I feel like I am floundering and am not sure how I will feel when Tuesday comes. I know the whole family is just dreading this day but I hope we will be able to look upon it as a milestone and proof that we can be strong and go on with living.
I seem to be stuck on the last hours of his life. Believe me they were not pretty. I hope that through sheer willpower I can start concentrating on the good times again. When I can do that I find great comfort even though it does make me wish I could have these times back. I hope I am making sense.
Anyway, I resolve to think of the happy times and pretty soon the happy memories will overshadow the bad days and all that will be left is the feeling of love that we shared. I still believe that I am truly blessed to have had such a wonderful marriage and such a good man. Hope this hasn’t run on. I really am not feeling sorry for myself, only a bit nostalgic.
Oh Leslie, as usual you and I are stuck in the same spot, my one year will be July 3rd and the negative thoughts have been coming closer the last few days. He suffered so that last few weeks and leading up to it kind of mentally left the room often, hated that feeling and it is hard to force those memories to leave. I also force the happy ones to the forefront and I am so fortunate to have so many of them, I know there are many that do not have the multitude of funny and happy memories that I do and I try to concentrate on that gift.
I hope that your resolve stays strong and you remember with fondness all the love and good times, I know easier said than done. So many have traveled this road before us and survived, we sill too but I do find myself wondering how long it will be these days.
Deb
Thanks for the words of encouragement, Deb. I didn’t expect these feelings as I was doing so well. I guess it just takes time. As you said, many others have gone this route and survived. I know I will. It is just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will just have to be there for each other and I’m sure we can do this. Let’s face it. We have no other choice. I’ll keep you in my thoughts as I go about my journey and maybe we can give each other strength
across the miles.
Thanks to Anna and the Widows Quest community for getting me through this first year.
I guess I am in a bit of a different place. Don died of pancreatic cancer and it was 18 months of pain and sickness even though we were moving five houses and making a permanent move down south. It has been a year and a half since he died but it still took me a long time to get past seeing his death. I no longer wake up seeing all of that in my mind. Thank God for that. I simply, and profoundly, miss him. My soul mate and truly loved one. I am so glad I had him while I had him.
Do you know….I know both of you will get through this pain tunnel. You have both helped me so much, you both have so much strength and ultimate faith in life…..I suppose the one thing that helps me around anniversaries is this
Pain makes me realise my heart is still alive, it is still feeling….pain means that the love is still alive. In that memory I find strength and almost learn to enjoy the pain…if that makes sense at all???
I suppose all I mean is that I believe in love and I believe in your strength…those two beliefs will never waiver..
Dear Leslie, Deb, Cindy, and Anna,
Hugs to you all. That first year I counted every Thursday, every first day of the month, and checked off each month trying to gauge where I was at mentally. I dreaded those mini-anniversaries tucked in between the birthdays, holidays, and our wedding anniversary. I could not forget that Michael died on a Thursday on the first of February. Even 27 months later (I had to calculate) I get misty-eyed writing these words.
I’m feeling more like Cindy: “I’m so glad I had him when I had him.” Deb and Leslie, those 2-steps forward–one-step back feelings can be discouraging–but they are totally normal. What I found (despite what well-meaning family and friends would say) was that one year did not dissipate the grief. In some ways it got worse the second year, because I had expectations of feeling normal. I’m still capable of major cloud bursts, but I’m feeling much more focused on the future. That first year I would look at photographs of us together in disbelief. Could he really be gone? It wasn’t possible–and yet, it was horribly true.
Anna, whenever you ask “does this make sense?”, my answer is yes, totally! I love your thoughts and insights.
Typically I work Sunday through Thursday. When I’d walk through the door on Thursday night, Michael would sing out: “It’s your Friday!” I can still hear him in my head. I’m happy and grateful for that.
–Mary