Emotional Pain and Hurt
November 29, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
I was wondering about heartache, and wondering if people can die from a broken heart. When I googled the idea, I came across this great article on emotional pain at the BBC website. I want to pick out a few ideas from the article
- “Simultaneous brain scanning revealed that the pain of being socially rejected was processed in much the same way in the brain as physical pain.”
- “Physical pain warns us not to do something, walk on a broken ankle for instance. And emotional pain too can be a warning – “don’t go near that sort of man again”, “avoid women like her”.But sometimes physical pain can become chronic, long outlasting its original purpose, and emotional pain is the same.”
- But can we die from a broken heart?
Martin Cowie is professor of cardiology at the Brompton Hospital. He is very sure of the answer: “Yes, we can.”There is an increased risk of dying in the six months after bereavement and it’s particularly marked amongst men.”
People who haven’t suffered grief, struggle to understand the complexities of the feelings. They also don’t understand how bereavement is not a matter of hours, days or weeks…it is part of you for life. 
You see at Widows Quest what we all need to realise is that if we don’t help each other, listen to each other and learn to live through the grief then we are putting ourselves in danger.
[istockphoto]
Anna,
I do believe that one can die from a broken heart. That happened to my uncle. He and my aunt were an inseparable, loving couple. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. When it became impossible for the family to keep her safe at home (she kept leaving in the middle of the night), she became a resident of a memory-loss assisted living facility. She no longer recognized family members (not even my uncle), and she’s been content to live in the facility. My uncle had been so hail and hearty, but he lost all will to live when they were separated.
Hey, you two! I also share your belief that a person can die from a broken heart. I was just reading (online) an article (2005) written about the role stress hormones play on one’s heart, during very shocking times. Here is the URL:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A11446-2005Feb9.html if you would like to browse it. Also this article from 2007:
http://www.boston.com/yourlife/health/articles/2007/10/29/is_it_possible_to_literally_die_of_a_broken_heart/
Both claim that women are more likely to have these problems, but in any case, it is something that families should be made aware of. Since I already had heart problems (artificial valve and rhythm problems as a result of natural valve’s narrowing), I was attuned to the fact when my heart began racing the week following Greg’s death. It turned out that (due to lack of eating) I was low in magnesium, and after an IV, they sent me home.
Jessica, wow it really makes you think doesn’t it, it really makes me realise how we need to help each other through the pain barrier. Healthy eating and healthy exercise is so important….we just need to break through that I don’t care barrier. I know reading other peoples comments helps to give me that motivation
What a great post – you’re right it is really important to help people through the first few months after bereavement. I have first hand experience of this and with the support of her family and friends she now lives a really full life once again.
Sue – you are right sometimes the nourishment we need is not just fuel from food, but the fuel of love….
Can someone help me find a way to help my family understand?
My Mom has a ‘my life is worse than yours’ competition every time we speak and my Sister either tells me how, what, when and why to feel anything. Neither listen to me or my Daughter. My Sister even sat holding my husbands hand when he was dying telling me how it could have been her married to him if I hadn’t met him first!!! On the night of his funeral she had a go at me for being short and nasty with her at the hospital – after I’d had 8 days with no sleep, fighting for proper care for him, him having a stroke, hemorage and the start of organ failure, of never leaving his side except for toilet/shower break and after that comment on it might have been her who married him. So glad she understands and forgives me!!!!!!
My Mom keeps telling me she knows how I feel. She’s 70, Dads 73 – I’m 43 with a 16 year old daughter and a health condition that means I can’t work, my husband just died after two years of hell fighting cancer and all our money is tied up in a business that makes a loss because Gary was too ill to work and i can’t do it all. I don’t think she has a clue.
My Auntie died a few years after my Uncle and she was so happy and in love with him it was really a broken heart that killed her. She wanted to be with him and she made her wish come true – not by suicide but by just wishing she was dead. She got cancer and died too. My husband got cancer and it killed him and that tied into his fathers death and his stepmoms cruelty that hurt him so much he went into major depression and by the time he got out of it it was too late, he had cancer and it killed him.
Yes emotional pain does kill more than joy.
I am fortunate that Gary was such a unique, loving and supportive man who left me with the most incredible little girl. My job is to see her grow up to her full potential and make Gary proud. Make sure his trust in me wasn’t misplaced and to make sure I at least try to come up to his level. He never gave up, never did woe is me, never missed a chance to make the most of any day and lived them all to the full. He was incredible. True love never dies.
Glad that’s off my chest – I could seriously scream sometimes. x
Debi,
You are surrounded by people who DO understand what you are going through. I am so sad that you had those horrible experiences at a time when you just needed hugs and support. You are great to let it out in this safe supportive, loving forum. Thank you to Anna for creating this unique place. I have been out today for lunch with a gang of girlfiends. I can put on a very brave face when I am out. But coming home to an empty house is very hard. Then I go on line to this blog and I just thank you for providing this community. Debi, you just keep going. You scream as much as you want.
Thank you. A safe place to fall is what you need and this helps me.
Debi….you scream as much as you want, we are here for you girl!!!
I think what I would say, is try and remember what you ARE in control of…and ignore what you aren’t. For instance you cannot control how your mum and sister will react, what they say etc But what you can control is how you react to it. You know that they are not necessarily the best people to listen…so maybe don’t ask them to listen or understand, by the sound of it they are not capable of that. But you can choose the right people to talk to, you can know that no one can truly understand your pain…..therefore you won’t worry about that, you will channel that energy in seeing through the next few months and years…seeing your daughter through to womanhood. I am a real believer in that we have more pain when we want others to understand our pain…..we move forward when we stop worrying about others and live our own life.
You are clearly a resilient lady, one that deserves our respect and admiration…wow, all you have faced and you are still fighting. That takes guts. Your family may not understand but we do and we say “We are proud of you and here for you for the next steps along your journey”
Thank you Anna,
I do sometimes worry in case I over react and am at fault, not them, and you are right I would love them to understand but have to face the face that they don’t and can’t. A blind man can’t see just because you describe something to him – same with emotions I suppose.
Like you say – time to try and stop worrying about being understood and get on with it. I do have some incredible friends. They don’t understand and don’t pretend they do. They don’t preach – just listen and reassure me that I’m doing well and making the right choices. In fact I always thought I didn’t have that many friends and have been amazed at how devoted some are. One good thing to hold on to.
My daughter is just 16 and amazing. Balanced, loving and fun despite her loss. In fact she is more mature than some. I ought to be grateful for the challenge – at least I know I have to keep going and fight for my future so my daughter gets the life she deserves. The temptation to give up if others were more support than me would be immense. Perhaps the challenge helps.
Thanks for the positive support and insight.
Debi
Sometimes I smile as we get frustrated at other people not understanding and yet we struggle to understand what has happened ourselves….there is some irony when we think about it
You keep that strength, and allow those emotions out…with people who do and will understand. x