Facing the Fear
September 11, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Practical Tips on Grief
I have never been a person who is frightened, yet when you grieve the loss of a loved one, suddenly fears surface that you never imagine. Fear of being alone, of the future, of the dark, of socialising, of going out…..together we have to face the fear
F = Fear lessons when we break it down. We can say we are fearful of the future….then think about what specifically frightens you…the future is too general. Is it money, is it being alone, is it the odd jobs around the house! Then develop a plan of how you will cope with the specific situation – for instance I now have a wonderful odd job guy, he is retired and he loves helping me out. I love having someone I can trust around….
E = Exists only in your imagination. The fear is not real, it is an illusion, it is a picture we are creating because we are new to the situation. Understanding that it is not real, you can take steps to prevent the reality coming true.
A = Afraid. We are faced with a situation in which we feel vulnerable, we feel insecure. So work on taking away that vulnerability. Meet someone before going out or for instance, I keep my mobile phone by my bed with my neighbors number ready. I know that if I press that button he will be around in a couple of minutes. That gives me a feeling of security.
R = Reject fear! It is our choice whether we feel the fear or not….so let’s choose not to be frightened! 
If I know that there is an event coming up that scares me, then I rehearse in my mind feeling excited, exhilarated by it…rather than frightened.
What did you fear most and how are you working on overcoming it?
[istockphoto]
Today I fear tomorrow, believe it or not. September 12th would have been my 44th wedding anniversary. It is the first one without Rick. We got through his birthday on Sunday together as a family. We went out to dinner and being together helped us all. Tomorrow, however, is very personal. My son and daughter in law have invited me out for dinner as it is their anniversary too. My daughter has invited me to her house for dinner tomorrow. She is the sweetest thing and has helped me so much by being there whenever I need her. My brother just called and said he and his wife will be in town tomorrow night and would like me to go out with them. They are celebrating their anniversary which will be on Sunday. I am so grateful for all of them and that they are thinking of me. I just don’t want to be sad in front of them on their happy day. I have not felt this bad since the first week my husband died in June. Can someone tell me how to overcome this fear of tomorrow. I am writing this through tears in my eyes. I just want to be happy again.
Hi there…
I like your comment next to “E” – exists only in your imagination. This is so true! It’s funny how fear can bring people down, when really we control how much it can consume us.
Great blog
-Ross
Dear Leslie,
I feel your heart breaking. It looks like everyone loves you so much and wants to help you through this sad and painful time. If I were in your spot I’d want to be alone, but that tends to be my style: to lick my wounds in private. Listen to your heart, though, and if you feel that your daughter would give you the most support and/or space to grieve, then take her up on her invitation. Being with the couples celebrating their anniversaries would be too painful, I think.
Hugs and love,
Mary
Leslie – I understand that fear, as much as possible though I want you to think about the love that IS around you. As Mary says, there are some wonderful people who want to look after you, who want to be there for you. Don’t fear the fear, embrace the love….you have been incredibly strong and I know you can face tomorrow too. Anniversary dates are hard because we cannot celebrate with our true love, however we can celebrate with our loved ones, and we can celebrate that they live on through the love around…
Anyway, there is nothing to fear because we are there all the way holding your virtual hand…walking with you facing your fears….Good luck though I know that you will do it, you are a brave lady
Well everybody, tomorrow is here. It is not as bad as I thought it would be. I’m doing a lot of reflecting but it’s okay. I have decided to accept my son’s invitation to dinner.They are bringing their two daughters (12 and 14) with us. This makes me feel better as I don’t feel like I’m in the way. My brother and his wife are going to visit when they are finished their dinner. My daughter and I went shopping this morning. I’m learning to count my blessings. I have wonderful people around me not the least of which are my wonderful new friends on this blog. Thank you so much Anna and Mary for your support. It helps so much to have other people who understand what this is like.
Only half the day is over and I don’t know what the evening will bring but with all the good people in my corner I think I can get through this.
Again, thanks, Mary and Anna.
Leslie so glad that you accepted the invitation and especially having the youngsters around. I always think that the exuberance of youth helps you forget the pain. I know I always see some element in them and I smile and think how life ends but life continues through the next generations…
I also thought you may like the grieving smile post I did…..on a day like today just smiling through the painful memories often helps
Anna, the evening went very well. I learn something new every day. From this experience of going through my first anniversary alone I learned that I am not alone. I learned to let other people in and to accept their love and concern. I also learned that I am pretty strong and can get through milestones in my life. Even though I feel a little sad still today, I also feel energized by this strength.
Leslie…sometimes I think that it is not until you lose people that you truly realise the presence of others. You can be lonely even when your partner is alive, but you are never alone when you believe in the power of friendships. I wish I had learned that earlier in my life