Gosh tonight feels…well numb. Physical and mental exhaustion has hit, there was me thinking sleep deprivation hadn’t affected me then …pow! Amazing isn’t it how our bodies just keep going through pure adrenaline.

Numb also because there is this huge void – my best friend for life is no longer here. You all know the feeling so well. Numb because I almost don’t want to feel the pain – as I know how much that hurts.

Numb as well as because for 11 days and nights Nana was my focus….so what can you focus on now? If you try and think then those final few images come into your head, if you don’t focus then you just sit and drift without purpose. Again I know you all understand….

I have her handkerchief which she held in hospital, I will hold that when I need to feel her love…and as always when we all lose people….we will never forget, love is an unbreakable bond which survives the toughest tests.

We may lose their bodies but we never lose their souls or their love. They live through our thoughts and actions which they helped shape through their time on earth.

Sleep well Kate, you were a special, special person. I was proud to know you, proud to call you my Nana and you and your spirit will stay in my heart forever…nighty, night

Post from: Widows Quest

The reason for the post is that as I sit here tonight, I know that it is imminent and yet I am not sure that I am prepared? I am lucky in this situation, lucky in the sense that we have said our goodbyes, that we have been with her throughout, that there are no regrets whatsoever…BUT…

Because we have been here so long you get used to her fighting, you have become unprepared for death. Does that sound strange? I am hoping by writing this blog post, I start to re-prepare for her leaving me. You see over the last few days we have had such special moments, she has come back from her ‘final retirement’ so many times…..I have grown accustomed to the fight and not the end. There has never been any hope…however, somehow and in some way…you just wonder….

Maybe what I will feel is numbness….a few tears yes, an aching heart yes….but maybe not the terrible shock, as that part, the days have helped to ease. I will be honest that in some ways it scares me as I don’t feel ready again…I don’t want and in some small way..even expect her to go.

I hope that you will all understand almost a selfish reason for this post….not one which will necessarily help readers…but one which will make me sit up and get myself prepared again….if so thank you for letting me lean on the Widows Quest community when I most needed it…

Post from: Widows Quest

Image: sxc.hu

The wind if howling outside, the ward is quiet as coming up to midnight, my love for Nana is matched by the fear it could be tonight….so an idea time to put together this weeks Carnival of POSITIVE thinking!

Street Saint presents Depression – What It is and How to Handle It posted at Street Saint, saying, “My article on depression and what the best way is to think about it in order to find healing.
The article is published on the HealthMad website, but the link is found on my blog: http://www.stsaint.com/blog.”

Bert Meert presents The Thoughts Of The Optimist posted at Life, Blogging And The Pursuit Of Personal Growth.

Andrew Heath presents On Feeling a Sense of Abundance posted at Andrew Heath, saying, “Thanks!”

williamk presents Optimist Creed posted at Truth for Happiness.

Vincent presents How To Change Your Life In An Instant posted at Hit Your Goals.

Carol Solomon presents More Chocolate – Less Stress Eating? posted at Carol Solomon, saying, “I love this idea! Chocolate is actually good for your health and is now shown to reduce stress – yeah!”

Kaushik Chokshi presents You don’t need no F-thing posted at Beyond Karma, saying, “First, let go of fear…”

Karen S Murphy presents Status: The measure of value we present posted at Step Into the Flow, saying, “In this competitive world, the cultural model is built around status. It governs the intrinsic framework of relationships.

Most of us notice status but don’t think of it consciously. We want to “succeed” but in order to do so we must go up a rung on the status ladder. Being “successful”. Owning a house, or a nice car. Being respected by others. Showing mastery in something and being able to come across well at social events. Academic success. But we don’t think of what status truly is, and especially not what the ultimate expression of status is.”

Joreather presents Toxic vs. Nourishing People posted at Joreather.com.

Ernest Semerda presents 21 day challenge – develop new habits posted at Ernest Semerda – inner peace & completeness., saying, “Anything you do with repetition and emotion will become your reality. If you’re not satisfied with your current experience, examine your habits.”

Editorial presents Free Yourself from Worries posted at Your Best Library, saying, “Are you worried about the future? Do you keep resenting your past? Do you feel like life treats you unfair and people unkind? Do you want to learn how to overcome the pain in your life? In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle takes a look at our sorrows. He challenges our thought patterns and shows us a way to freedom and joy.”

Cheryl Ragsdale presents Stop Pretending! 5 Steps to Help You Reveal a Blind Spot posted at That Girl is Funny, saying, “We all know what makes us happy and what puts us in a bad mood. We even know when we’re pretending – tolerating – for the sake of getting along or not making waves. Diane joins ThatGirlisFunny to share 5 steps that helped her successfully reveal (and take action on) a blind spot that kept her hiding out, blaming others and finding excuses for participating fully with her friends and family.”

Donald Latumahina presents Anthony de Mello on How to Find Happiness posted at Life Optimizer.

JL 4 Media presents Stand Up and Walk in His Light posted at Live Life to the Fullest, saying, “Have you been in a complete darkness? As in total darkness that you almost had the thought of losing life, and that every waking moment was dreadful for you. Instead of thanking for life, you sighed because it will be another day of pain and hurt. A heavy day were you can’t stop crying and hurting.”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our
carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Post from: Widows Quest

why theydie….because they do.

No answer that will take away the pain, no answer that will change the fact they are gone. Sat with Nana, I started questioning the world and came up with these 10 questions which constantly haunt me

1. Is there anything else I could have done differently?
2. Why now?
3. Why them?
4. Why take the good ones?
5. How can I live without them?
6. Did they know how loved they were?
7. What is the point of life without them?
8. How will I cope?
9. Why go on?
10. Are they watching over me?

These are my questions, I am sure that grief brings others into your mind. I smile because the answer to most of these questions is – and will remain – unknown. Isn’t that where the pain truly lies…that there are no answers to the loss of a loved one?

H

Post from: Widows Quest

Waiting to die or

Waiting to live?

I always assumed death was the most fearful, after all once it happens who truly knows. That fear of the unknown I am sure has brought Nana back from the edge at least twice this week.

But then you look at the life of a widow or widower after bereavement. That lack of acceptance means that we don’t move on, living is as fearful to the survivor as often death can be to the dying.

In both situations the fear is based on the unknown – though I accept with faith this may not be true. But as I sit here now I realise that as long as it remains unknown…the fear will be there….if we take one step at a time to remove the unknown, well then the fear will eventually be engulfed through confidence and enjoyment

The question we need to ask is

‘Do we really want people to see us as waiting to live then waiting to die…or dying to live!’

Post from: Widows Quest

I am thinking of the special moments we cherish, I am thinking of how important it is that we find a way to cherish our own moments. We may live alone now, we may feel the pain of loneliness, we may think our hearts will never mend…but somehow we all at Widows Quest find a way…

Time is not infinite, time in a sense is all we have…this is no longer our time together but our time to find ourselves, our passions, our future. I know from looking at Nana that if I asked her what she wanted it would be time with us all, we have something so precious we must learn not to waste one second….

Post from: Widows Quest

When you love someone, it is not just about loving them whilst you are together, it is also about loving them enough to let them go. I have sat now 11 hrs short of a week at this bedside..even sleeping here….and what I have learned is that love is not about holding on in grief, love is about letting go in grief.

I have said to Nana so many times when she has been at the brink, don’t be scared….don’t be frightened…it will be OK, however we don’t say that to ourselves do we?

Love is about 2 people and you are one of them…whilst grieving we should maybe talk to ourselves and say don’t be scared, don’t be frightened…because just in the same way, love will guide us to a better place.

Post from: Widows Quest

I had tears last night when I said to her “Its OK Nana, go to sleep…there is nothing to be afraid of Bronco (that is my nickname for my grandad) is waiting for you.”  The tears were recognition that I had to let her go, I had to help her through this final frontier…I had to help her face her fear. She had stayed with me during these last few days to help me face my fear…of living without her.

I am sat wondering what it must feel like to literally face death, that is when I wish that I did have faith. It is not that I don’t, it is just that I am not totally sure.

Death as a child was something I just didn’t understand, it was something that scared me….then because of suffering grief and seeing people die, I am not sure that it scares me. I think there comes a time when it must feel the time…and that comforts me because in the past I have always thought you must be scared.

I also wonder whether I can learn from that idea when it comes to widows….whether there comes a time when acceptance is a better alternative, a less frightening alternative to living in that pain. Maybe even now Nana is leading me through understanding grief….understanding that fear and living don’t go together, that holding on to the past is no way to live into the future.

Post from: Widows Quest

Sat singing to her I have this overwhelming love, as though my body and heart wants to give her all the love inside.

When you are losing someone, love suddenly becomes so clear. Love is unconditional, love is pure, love in the end is all that matters.

I truly believe that no matter whether people are unconscious, or whether we have lost them….love is eternal.

For all our grief, for all our pain the love of those we lose will remain with us…..forever

As nana would say love is not an emotion it is life itself Anna

Today with me feel that love and seek happiness or at least comfort in having and been loved….

Post from: Widows Quest

The hospital offered us a room. Mum grabbed a few hours each night in there but when you are here, you just want to hold them and let them know they are not alone. The irony is that they are looking after themselves better than you are…

I wonder where that energy comes from, I wonder what store we have in our bodies that is only opened at traumatic events…I wonder how deep that store truly is?

Maybe it is that store that empties as you sit with them that then needs to refill over the coming weeks and months before it can be used again to draw on for that energy that helps you find life again….the emphasis must be on us understanding the need to refill it with positive energy.

Love to you all…..I am thinking of all of you today and drawing all the advice YOU have given me over the weeks and months.

Post from: Widows Quest