1. Why is any day any more important than any other…when missing someone?
2. Time in some ways helps you cope with anniversaries but never takes away the pain.

I also find that the biggest benefit is that other people give you space, they understand that you may not be 100%, they accept more easily that you are grieving.

The rest of the time although you clearly will never get over the pain, people who don’t understand grief think that you should be progressing back to …what would you say ‘normality’? Mind you that then begs the question what is normal anyway

Somehow on an anniversary which in many ways to the widow and widower is just another day of heartache…the world stops judging you and allows you to grieve….they send cards, maybe ring, give you a hug….

In a way this seems harsh and yet I think the world is right…if the world constantly tiptoes round us then we will never get through the grief cycle?

How do you feel about anniversaries?

Post from: Widows Quest

Today I am in London, away from my special mum who I know reads this blog. I hope that regular readers won’t mind me taking this change to say this to mum

Mum…there isn’t a daughter more proud in the world of how you have coped in grief. I know how much you loved Dad, I know how much he loved you and my fear was that you would give up fighting. You have managed to build a life and yet still be there for us …..for that, if it is possible, I love you more each day.

On this day when we will always remember losing Dad, I also want to pay tribute to you. You are a wonderful mum, full of such love and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you….well maybe stroke a chicken so phobia’s excluded!)….I will always miss Dad but having your love, support and strength makes this world a better place.

Dad….we will never forget you, never…hope wherever you are, you have plenty of chocolate gingers to eat….and as I suspect can watch your family continue to grow because of the love you gave them xxx

Post from: Widows Quest

Readers know that I am on a constant roller coaster of emotion…that little old lady called grief manages to shake me to the core every now and then, just to remind me that overcoming a bereavement is hard. So just when it seems easier, just when I seem to be back in control of my own emotions….grief prods me to remind me that it is still there Nice of grief really!

If we do want to be that happy, fun loving person as Gandhi said…then we must BE that person. When we live like that person we trick our sub conscious into believing they are that person. Now the hard bit with grief which we need to recognize is that bad days will still come, that is for sure…and it is a test in our true desire to BE that person…because if we truly do…then we will accept the bad days and as soon as possible get back to BEING that person we want to BE in this world.

Post from: Widows Quest

This week is such a bad week for me I need to be in 3 places at once, most days and I am feeling totally out of control. I wish that I didn’t have to balance so many competing things….

When you get out of control, doesn’t it feel so depressing? You start to feel as though no one values YOU, that you seem to spend your life pleasing other people, accommodating other people…but who is there now for YOU? (Widows Quest community accepted of course)

I was thinking tonight about how to pull myself through this…and came up with one key thought. When you are out of control, the only thing is to

1. Make a list of actions with critical dates
2. Prioritize them (based on the dates for me)
3. Take each action one at a time
4. Don’t waste time panicking, use that time to grab your control back

The good news is that this makes total sense, the bad news is that I still feel alone and fearful….grieving can strip that belief you can achieve the impossible away, I need to make my first action….find where that self belief has gone for the moment

Post from: Widows Quest

I remember after about 3 months getting so mad that he wasn’t replying or coming through to the lounge when I needed some help to move the television! I had no idea that he had died, to me at that moment he was alive and even annoying (!) as he was ignoring my shouts….

I wonder why these events happen but then I suppose it is down to

• The fact you have shared your life with this special person and in that sense your hearts have almost morphed into one then their presence or your relationship with them has been as much on the sub conscious level as conscious. As it is sub conscious then it will take time for your mind to accept the physical, conscious reality?
• Habit - sounds boring but when you live with someone habits form, your life becomes habitual. Again those habits have to be replaced with new customs.
• Our desire that they are alive, or our denial that they have died is also strong. We hide away from the pain. We don’t want to believe we will never see them again…so we bring them back into our lives, for that moments respite from the pain.

When it first happened I was scared, I had to ask a friend to come round to stay. Now though, I understand that I am not going mad, that there is nothing to fear….it is just natural emotion which can occur during grief.

For me I handle it by putting on that old jumper and getting some photos out….having a few tears while talking to him. He always understands and makes me smile…..I can always hear him say…”you don’t even give me time to rest even when I have died….”

Do you have any other thoughts on why it happens?

Post from: Widows Quest

To help us all as normal on a Sunday here are this weeks articles to help us with our positive thinking

Anna presents What Do Your Eyes Tell A Person posted at The Engaging Brand

GP presents Changes in Latitude « Musings from Montana posted at Manely Montana, saying, “changes in attitude.. make all the difference”

Cheryl Ragsdale presents Here’s Everything You Need to Know About Saying Yes or Saying No posted at That Girl is Funny, saying, “Say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no. Why do we struggle with it? Don’t end up like this poor donkey. Mishaps and opportunities explored.”

Melissa Hedding presents Finds For Families: Grown Up posted at Finds For Families, saying, “Hope in the hardship.”

Busayo presents The Parable of the monkeys posted at WWW.BUSAYOAKANRO.COM.

Thailand Breeze presents Thai Culture And Relationships (Part 2) posted at Tip.

Dawneright presents “This Too” – A Positive Mantra posted at Bashing Perfect, saying, “My article on using a mantra to overcoming obsessive thinking can apply to depression and mental health of all kinds. My blog is about using self-help to beat anxiety.”

Ken Siew presents 7 New and Unconventional Ways You Should Use Now to Find Your Passion posted at Think Big & Think Money – Guide to Success & Wealth, saying, “Really, this passion searching thing has been the topic of self-development for ages! Almost anything possible to be done on passion has been said or written somewhere over the internet and in our life. What else can you be getting out from this post of mine then?

Well, you might be surprised as to how useful the tips are. I’m saying that because I’ve spent reading blogs/books about finding your passion, thinking about them innovatively, and using them to help find my own passion. I’m sure you can at least use one of them to bring you closer to your passion.”

Donald Latumahina presents The Importance of Giving Up posted at Life Optimizer.

Becca Glouzstein presents Mothering as a Journey posted at Inspiration for Mothers . Com.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Post from: Widows Quest

Not because I am against the celebration but my grief meant that I found these kind of events so difficult to deal with, and faced with that difficulty I just wanted to hide from all that….jollity!

Tonight is halloween and I have really made an effort tonight…there are spiders webs, pumpkins, Happy Halloween posters…far too many sweets and loads of lights.

I decided that tonight I would revel in those happy little faces of those children, I would watch their naive smiles that have not been touched by the ‘horrors’  of life and feed off their happiness. I decided that instead of dreading their happiness, instead of resenting these kind of family ocassions …I would embrace the idea.

I think it is easy to hide behind a door…..it is much harder to face the world but tonight I want to spread that little bit of happiness which I so crave for….now all I need is the darkness to fall which on this occassion is a good thing!

Post from: Widows Quest

The irony is that as you become that adult, as you go through the joys and sorrows of life, you value that support and looking after of others. Last night I went home, mum cooked tea, even put a water bottle in bed for me, gave me a pack up of homemade food to take home…..it was wonderful. It is at these times when I think how wonderful it would be to have back the naivety and joy of the unbroken heart of a child.

So the question is do you spend your childhood wanting to be an adult and your adult life enjoying those special times when others care for you in that wonderful parental way?

I know one thing is true, in grief you value the love and caring of others so much more as you understand the precious nature of that love.

Post from: Widows Quest

Grief

When I think about it….for me there is a bit of both

1. Tangible – there is that element of being alone, being the only person in the home, in the car, in the bed. There is that element of tangible problems like financial worries, family disagreements. There is the emptying of the house…eventually.
2. Intangible – the pain is about feelings, it is about hurt, it is literally the heart aching or breaking. It is not that we have lost the love, it is the fact that we have lost the person…and the feeling of being loved.

Why I think about this is that making a list of what hurts us the most, what makes us grieve and then thinking about all the items as tangible or intangible can help….

The tangible problems can have tangible answers eg. loneliness can be helped through company.

The intangible problems can be worked on through talking, through understanding, through acceptance or even through counselling.

Post from: Widows Quest

In Our Hearts
We thought of you with love today.
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday.
And days before that too.
We think of you in silence.
We often speak your name.
Now all we have is memories.
And your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake.
With which we’ll never part.
God has you in his keeping.
We have you in our heart..
author unknown

Four Candles
The first candle represents our grief.
The pain of losing you is intense.
It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.
This second candle represents our courage.
To confront our sorrow,
To comfort each other,
To change our lives.
This third candle we light in your memory.
For the times we laughed,
The times we cried,
The times we were angry with each other,
The silly things you did,
The caring and joy you gave us.
This fourth candle we light for our love.
We light this candle that your light will always shine.
As we enter this holiday season and share this night of remembrance
with our family and friends.
We cherish the special place in our hearts
that will always be reserved for you.
We thank you for the gift
your living brought to each of us.
We love you.
We remember you.

Post from: Widows Quest