Fighting the Loneliness
September 4, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Comfort Yourself
Loneliness can be so cruel. The sound of silence can be deafening. I think in grief, silence can be one of the loneliest times. In bereavement I think it is important to give yourself the chance to grieve, to cry, to weep but I also think we must guard against being alone in a silent house.
The silence can be a constant reminder of being on your own, it can be the reminder that you are now a widow or widower. Going out can often feel so alien and so frightening that it may not be an option to start with…I understand that, as I am a griever who prefers to be away from people.
However, here are a few tips which I have used to fight off the silence
- Play music….I wake to music and go to bed with music.
- Play podcasts ….it gives me the sense of being part of the world, but in a safe environment – at home.
- Put the TV on….now I am not a TV watcher but I often have it on just to replace the silence.
- Make a phone call. You will probably know someone who is lonely themselves, or an older person who would just love to hear your voice.
- Sing! I know this sounds strange but singing – even as badly as I do – makes you feel happier.
Anna it always amazes me when you address an issue that is so timely in my life, I have actually chosen loneliness tonight rather than an invitation I had, at times I am comforted to be alone with my things and my thoughts, at other times it is frightening. I am leaving tomorrow for Holland, Michigan to spend the week with 20 dear friends, half of whom were childhood friends of Dave and the other half are their spouses. This annual trip was always one we so looked forward to and I am the only “single”(How I hate that description, I do not feel single!) and it is that loneliness in a crowd feeling, at least I remember moments like that last year but most of that trip are a blur..this year I will remember and try to cherish these friendships which meant so much to him and ended up being so supportive to me. I think I prefer the loneliness to the third-wheel, odd-man-out feelings I have had the last year. I am slowly learning the difference, being alone and being lonely, both have their place it seems in this new life I have.
Deb
Deb, I know that third wheel feeling well. You’re coming to my brother’s (the renovator) town! (It looks like the weather is going to be decent, too.) I’m sure you will have loving support from your and Dave’s friends. My home has been a haven and a healing place. Music has always been central in my life. Whether I’m playing songs that were “our songs” or all the new music I’ve discovered, since Michael’s death, I feel uplifted by hearing it.
Thanks, Anna, for the tips. It’s good to be reminded of them over this long holiday weekend in the states. Hugs!
Deb, I hope you have a wonderful time in Michigan. Being with friends is a good antidote to loneliness. Sounds like you have a wonderful Labour Day weekend planned. Mary, I am so happy to hear that your home is a haven for you. I am hoping that my new condo will feel like that too. I am hoping for a downscaled, easier to manage home that is all mine. Of course, as you said, in a previous entry I would gladly give it all up to have him back, but that is not possible.
We have glorious weather this long weekend and it would have been Rick’s birthday on Monday. I will try very hard not to feel the loneliness, Anna. You always seem to write the right thing at the right time. My family will be around me. They are loving and easy to be around. I have had that third wheel feeling many times but I never feel that way with them.
So I hope you all have a wonderful long weekend and get lots of rest and relaxation. Remember, keep putting one foot in front of the other and soon we will all get where we need to be.
so glad that the words are helping you all, I suppose sometimes what I feel and what I write has to be in tune as we are all riding the rollercoaster ride…I will look forward to hearing how you all faced the weekend and the stays away. For me well, the lonliness drifts over me like a fog at times and then a smile from a friend eases the pain….