Finding Your Inner Courage
June 11, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Affirmations of Life
I feel that courage is something that we need to find during our grief process. Widows and widowers are faced with such a massive gap, massive changes to their lives. Courage is needed to face
- Life without their partner
- Dealing with the parts of life that you partner would have dealt with
- Going out on your own
- To believe in the goodness of life
- Learning and trusting to love again
Courage is often used in a military context and that makes sense to me as they also face that life and death context. Prior to losing someone we can feel immortal that life is so good it will go on forever. In reality it never will.
I think the more we can find the courage, the more we start to take those first steps to rebuilding your life. I also think that it is important to recognise that courage. Gaining that courage can be hard, however what we also must see is that courage can be so fulfilling. I remember going out for the first time to a social event…I didn’t want to go…but my friends took my hand and helped me gain that courage. Did I still miss him, of course….however, I also
learned that going out did not devalue my love, I could still love and learn to enjoy life again.
Courage is inside if we only learn to trust in our ability as human beings.
What has taken the most courage for you?
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Hmmm… for me, just doing day-to-day stuff was something that took courage – or maybe resolve was the better word. Laundry still needed doing, dishes needed to be washed, etc. So my good and true “helper” cannot do some things for me, and I must do them myself. No one to dry dishes that I have washed, to help fold sheets coming out of the dryer.
I think I miss him most in the kitchen, as we were such a good team. He was my sous chef and was willing to chop onions, prepare veggies for the grill, etc. I haven’t turned on that grill once since he has passed on, but maybe one day I will.
I have done some of the “alone” tasks before, after I was divorced many, many years ago. If I wanted to see a movie, I did it alone. I became a matinee movie-goer, as I didn’t feel safe coming out alone into a darkened parking lot. But I went! And so I know I will do that again.
Courage is also needed when facing closets or bureau drawers of your loved one’s clothing. I can only hope that someone will benefit from the clothing I have and will donate. Mostly I do not attach him to the clothing, but on a few items, I cannot let go. Eventually that will happen, but everyone tells me to not hurry some things along.
So true…don’t you find that it is the little things that seem to cause the most pain. I always struggled to get “control” of the remote control…now I have it all the time and it seems wrong. Something that used to irritate me now makes me sad. But do you know each day that goes by I realise that it is so true..better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all x
For me, I definitely wanted my “alone” time. And he would graciously watch me pop into bed early with a book to read, while he stayed up to watch a little bit of television. Like you with the remote control – it seems wrong to have all this time by myself now.
I agree: better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all. And maybe we will get that chance again someday. Or maybe we will be the supporters of those next widowed… My sister said that her “lesson” (after being widowed at age 62) was, she thought, to help our mother after Dad’s death 4 years ago. And now they BOTH can help me. However, they are a plane ride away and a car trip after that. About 6 hours, all told.
I don’t think most folks know that their platitudes are just that: trite, to the point of being almost insulting. You must have heard them all: You just have to put one foot in front of the other (no, really?); You have to get out and do things (I’m at work, at church, try to see friends, don’t you know?); It will get better with time (I certainly hope so, or I may have to consider taking my own life – but I really don’t feel like that!); Who knows why God lets these things happen (and if I didn’t believe in God, I would have lost my mind by now). Maybe I AM at that anger stage: it is directed towards idiotic comments and those who make them. But I have also read that some think those “stages of grief” are absolute bunk.
I really do appreciate your input, Anna. I’ll bet you didn’t know you’d be giving support like this, when your husband died. Maybe we will meet in person some day. My husband and I were in London and Paris (both cities in just one week) in 1996 and I would love to travel there again. But I don’t have a travel companion now. And I’ll have to wait until the US dollar is a bit stronger — okay, a LOT stronger than it is now.
I heard a quote one time, and I don’t remember who said it, that courage is not the absence of fear but the understanding that some things are greater than the fear that we feel. Does anyone remember who said that?
That would be wonderful, I came to US in April to New York and loved it.
One thing that helped me with coping with what people say was listening to my wise old gran…she said…”Don’t forget how awkward it is for your friends, they want to show their support, they want to heal your pain but they don’t know how. When they say one of those phrases…forget the words and see the intent. They want to reach out, they just don’t have the words…none of us do”
That really helped me. I usually say something like…just being there and having your friendship helps.
You know we need support and yet isolation feels better…key for me is to surround yourself with people who will be honest and drag you through the pain rather than merely sympathising. Where in the US are you?
I don’t know if that question was directed at me or not – but I currently live in Houston, TX (a suburb of it) and hope to sell my home next year and relocate back to the Minneapolis, MN area. I lived there for years and have been in Houston over 23 years now. I’ll be close to family and friends, except for the handful of close friends that I have made here. There are several friends in Texas that I hope to return to visit on a regular basis.
My complaint about the trite remarks was aimed at just a few folks who wanted to go on and on about the religious aspects of what happened. And I am NOT mad at God, although I wish my husband did not have to go so early to be by His side. It just made me furious – and there were 2 people that I just had to walk away from.
I do appreciate those who say they don’t know what to say, and I gratefully acknowledge that. A hug, when offered, is received with gratitude. Most people just tell me that they are sorry about my loss or words to that effect. And I can see in their eyes that they are.
I have loved Texas ever since being an avid Dallas watcher in my youth
Totally understand and I also understand how difficult it can be…don’t know about you but just when you are having a better day people will make one of those comments and send you back into depression…..they meant well but sometimes just hearing those “standard” words causes you to fall back!
Deary me….aren’t us human beings complex!