Finding your Strengths for a New Life
October 1, 2007 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Comfort Yourself
When you are bereaved, you go through the stage of just not seeing the future, how can you ever enjoy life again. This shows through in the comments of 
this blog. But you can find happiness, you can find a new life.
What I would suggest is that you think about your strengths, think about what makes you who you are. We can fall into the trap of thinking that our lost love made us who we are…that is not true. We are who we are because of our experiences, we existed before and we will exist after our bereavement. So think about your strengths…what are you good at, what do you enjoy doing…how do you provide value to others around you? Then think about how you can incorporate those strengths going forward?
I know that I am (normally) a positive person, someone who sees the good in the world…..that’s why I write this blog, as a way of helping others to see a way through their grief.
What a delightful post. i was suddenly widowed over two years ago. I was devastated, developed a victim mentality, and struggled mightily to find some strength, somewhere. The burden was even greater because as a psychologist I “knew” what I should do, but I was unable to “move.” I felt like I was slowly moving through cement.
Life is opening up for me. I have discovered strengths I didn’t really appreciate until now. My biggest piece of advice…don’t grieve alone, reach out, find others to share both joys and sorry with…Happiness is within our reach. The joy never removes the pain, but like the phoenix, we can rise from the ashes of despair and soar into our new life…our new normal.
Thank you for your encouraging comment. I needed it. To develop a new identity is the big challenge. I have been writing poetry which is of some help, especially since I have gotten praise for it. Still life is still hell. Thank you for listening. Trudie
There’s a wonderful book, Thanks, by Robert Emmons, Ph.D that focuses on the healing power of gratitude.
Even when life is hell it sounds like you are doing a good job of finding some “gems” in there like your writing.
For me, after my husband died, I vegged for months. I was so bad that when Katrina happened I was so numb, i didn’t even care what was happening to others.
Slowly as I began to “thaw out” I found that there is hope, light, and faith.
There are a group of us at DoNotGrieveAlone.com who might be able to offer support to you now, Trudie.
Hi!
I am a military widow for 44 days! I was very bad in the beginning and could never believe that I could make it. It’s been 44 days and I’m still hanging on, but my hanging on might seem as if I am very strong and doing fine to the people around me, and thus I cannot find people to talk to easily.
For example, like today, I really do miss my dearest husband and I instantly start to cry when I look at our pictures. This has not been happening lately, but today I feel down and am in need of finding someone to talk to. My mother is around, but she seems to become worse if I open up for her.
So I really don’t know what to do…..
Guldem I have just posted my thoughts and asked the community for support – we are here for you, here for you to share your feelings and for others to share how they got through their grief….here is the post that I wrote
http://www.widowsquest.com/lets-support-a-military-widow/
Also look through the older posts if you look in the categories on the right..there is one for grief and one for lonliness….there may be some posts that will help you there too
But just remember you are not alone, we are here to help and support x
Dear Guldem,
My heart goes out to you, and I want to offer support for what you’re going through with the loss of your husband. Forty-four days is just the beginning of your journey. I’ve been widowed almost 16 months, and there are days that I can’t believe that my husband Michael is really dead. It just doesn’t seem possible. Shortly after he died, I found a grief support group. It does help to be around other people who are going through a similar experience. I’ve been surprised by the outpouring of support from other widows when they heard about my loss. Talking with them has helped me realize that a lot of what I’ve felt is normal. One of the things I found that helped was to let the tears flow when I was at home alone. It really felt like a cleansing occurred. You think that you might not stop crying once you start, but the bouts become less as time goes on. Don’t be surprised when you think you’re gaining control of your emotions only to find that you get blindsided by a song, comment, smell, or memory.
There’s a Yahoo group called Widows Island. They’re very kind and caring. You can participate in the discussions as little or as much as you like. I’m sure there are many online support groups out there. It really helps at 3 a.m. to not feel so alone.
The death of a spouse through military service is a unique situation with different issues than what I’ve faced. I can’t imagine how you must feel. It’s an incredible sacrifice one makes for one’s country.
I have 4 sisters, and I’m the youngest of the sisterhood. We have 2 younger brothers. I was the last one married, and the first one widowed. Our mother died 40 days after our father, so I’m blazing the widowhood trail in my family. Sometimes I think my sisters applaud my ability to cope, because it keeps them from imagining what their lives will be like when/if they become widows. It sure ain’t easy.
Your fellow travelers at Widows Quest are here for you when you need us. Anna is a wonderful guide.
Hugs,
Mary
I love the idea of fellow travelers – a journey through life…with many potholes along the way. I remember the numbness, people expected me to be sad, or angry…I was just numb. The numbness meant I didn’t want to reach out for support, nothing seemed to matter….but we are living proof that the tears, the numbness, the anger all subside…they never go away but you learn to live with the loss. Belief in that is so important…belief gets you through, when that belief shakes for me there is always someone leaving a comment which brings that belief back
Anna
Hi again!
I’d like to thank Mary, Anna and all others that are responding to my helpless search for someone to talk to. No one else than those that had experienced such a loss can understand me better now, that’s what I’ve found out in 45 days.
Every morning has become heavier and heavier. I just don’t feel like getting up, just want to lay down and cry until I cannot cry anymore.
Anna is talking about belief. I’m really confused about what to believe in. Always asking the question, if there’d be loving God, why would he take away such a precious love from me? He was my second husband and after a terrible nightmare like marriage. I thought I was in heaven with him, and nothing mattered to me as far as he was around.
He was my other half. He still is. Only his substance has gone away, but I really don’t believe that his energy is away too. He’s inside me. And maybe the reason why I’m still hanging on is his support inside of me.
I’m trying to explain his disappearing by metaphysical theories. I’m thinking about alternate realities, parallel universes etc. But regardless of what I think and try to find an explanation for the “why’s and how’s”, at a point I’m feeling really stuck. I lost my belief in God, which was always questioned by me and full of what if’s.
I feel empty at times, left alone even though there are a few people aound. I’m also having problems with my in-laws on top of all my sorrow.
But I’m not yet very decisive about ending my life due to the respect I have for our love and for him. He’d always want me to be strong, but I’m not very sure how long I will keep trying to be strong.
I know one thing for sure; sharing my thoughts with people here is helping somehow. I don’t know whay or how, but in a way.
Guldem
Guldem – First of all I want you to hang on, I know the feeling and I can tell you death is not the answer. Living is the difficult choice but it will get easier, I promise you. The world needs to keep hold of all the good people.
Guldem – I am not sure about my feelings in God, in truth but what I do know is that the more we try and come up with an answer for why our loved one is taken from us, the more we hurt, the more we get confused and the more we focus on what we cannot change. I know this sounds harsh! But there is no logical reason for why he was taken away from you at this time. You will never find the reason…..the logic.
The only certainty when we fall in love is that we will separate through death at one time or another. The timing can be extremely painful…the tears on my pillow are evidence of that!….but that timing is outside our control. I was told don’t think about what you cannot change, grieve for their loss of course but try to come to terms with the illogical nature of death. He loved you for who you are, for your strength, for your personality.
I like to think that he watches over me, indeed if I was to die then I might take that away from him. I know it sounds strange but I live for him…not me. I spend my time being me because I think that he smiles with pride at my pain at my love for him but how I have not let that loss stop me from sharing the goodness that we both believed in. I don’t know if this helps….but it helps me live
You have a family here who understands…you have a family here that cares…you have a family here who will listen without judgement, you have a family here who will understand the anger, the numbness, the tears…..each one of us have had to learn and relearn how to put one foot in front of another…see us as your personal walking frame.
Let me know that you are OK….I will be thinking of you Anna x
Anna,
I’m so glad you wrote this response to Guldem, because I’ve been feeling her pain (as well as my own the last couple of days.)
Some words of encouragement for you, Guldem. My relationship with Michael was special, as yours was with your husband. He was the man I had been seeking all my life. Fate brought us together, and even though our marriage only lasted 6.5 years, we were meant to be together to support one another through some severe challenges. I’m grateful for having known him. It took me a while to realize that the best way to honor him was to pass on the love he so generously gave to me.
I’m not saying that any of this is easy, because it’s not. As long as you are here in this world, your husband’s love will live on through you.
Hugs,
Mary
Mary
I don’t know about you but I naturally feel the pain of others. The pain especially so early on is so crippling and I remember thinking I just will never get through this…mainly because I didn’t want to, I just wanted to be with him. The gap is still there but if I hadn’t stuck around then I wouldn’t have laughed with my mum, see her face when I pick her up from the cruises she loves, see my nephews get a record deal, see my friends flourish in their jobs….all things that have brought a great joy from my life.
I see you have had a bad time – is that the loneliness or is it like me, just losing your way?
It’s really amazing how you people lead me through this pain. The most important thing is that you all have experienced such a terrible loss and you all understand how I REALLY feel.
Today I’m at my in-laws and I had decided to talk to them openly about all the discomfort I had in me concerning their behaviors after this event.
It helped me somehow, even though I couldn’t get what I wanted (his laptop which he had promised to give me). Anyway, lately I have been hearing some inner voices that are similar to what my husband used to tell me in conversations about life, about solving problems, about tackling with challenges. This is aiso a positive thing I guess.
And of course by the help of you good people that are responding to me, my pain seems to have gotten ligheter to bear. Of course the gap is still there and most probably will be there, but living for him (as Anna mentioned) will make me stronger I guess and hope.
I am really grateful for any response that came to my helpless and silent screams here in this blog, even though I’m from another nation, where I couldn’t find real support to be honest!!!!
Our culture, unfortunately, has a different way of tackling such grief and this is far from the way I experience mine.
I don’t have much left to write right now, but once more, I feel enlightened to have found this beautiful supportive blog!
Thank you!
Guldem,
I’m so happy that you were able to talk to your inlaws, and hopefully they’ll give you the laptop when you all have more time to heal from your grief. It was so heartening to read your words today.
Your husband’s spirit is right there with you. I’m glad you’re able to feel his voice. Michael was always the more out-going one in our marriage. The week leading up to his funeral started out worse than expected (if you can imagine that!), because there were decisions to be made about the arrangements. I love his family and didn’t want to hurt them, but I stood my ground firmly. I knew I was doing the right thing by representating Michael’s wishes. There were times that I worried that I was pushing my own agenda, but I kept “hearing” his voice, supporting me in my decisions.
Anna,
What a difference 24 hours make! I was feeling lonely and heartbroken yesterday. Part of it came from sleep deprivation, and I’m a lot more rested today. I couldn’t leave the house, because I was so exhausted.
The weirdest thing happened at the grocery store today. A woman commented on my meager cart: “I can’t wait to be able to shop for one.” Sometimes it’s fun to play the widow card. I responded with “well, my husband’s dead.” She was shocked by my response, as she should have been. She apologized for the tactless comment. I ran into her later, and she apologized again. I said, “You had no way of knowing.” But still… I hope she learned something from that encounter. Yesterday her words would have totally devastated me. But today I’m one strong woman.
Guldem – Fantastic. Often the pain and depression gets worse when we do nothing…by taking a small action it feels as though we are starting to take some control. Death leaves you feeling out of control…..each day try and do one thing and each step you take you feel stronger.
Mary – glad that you are feeling a little better…I had to smile at the story, I found shopping one of the most difficult things…so much so that I did it online which felt better. I can just imagine that ladies face! It just shows that no matter our life, we always seem to see others as better off…until you understand their story!