Grief Has Made Me Emotional
September 22, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
Gosh that sounds the most obvious sentence to write! But before understanding the true emotion of losing someone dear, I think despite my romantic, soppy nature…I hid my emotions. In some way I was frightened of them, if that makes sense?
I noticed the change only last week when I left my wonderful mum after our holiday together…my heart felt so full of love and I didn’t want to leave her…I wanted to pick her up in my pocket and bring her home. I felt tears in my eyes, I felt as though I was going to crumble….this was I am sure related to grief.
When you lose someone then you want to keep hold of the other people dear to you….or at least I do….and somehow that person who hid her emotions so well, has turned into an emotional being who can cry in her forties at leaving her mum, after a wonderful holiday together!!!
Oh dear….emotions are wonderful and yet frightening at the same time aren’t they?
Hi Anna. Well, I have moved into my condo. Talk about grief making one emotional. I am grieving about the loss of a house of all things! I really don’t think that I would ever have felt this way if not for grief. Moving into the condo is at once exciting and very emotional. I am grieving for days gone by. I keep trying to look ahead but today it is very difficult. I am going back to the family home every day to do some cleaning and picking up a few things I forgot. The first time I walked into the empty house my emotions got the better of me. It was like a wave of grief engulfing me.
Today I am grieving for my old life but I know I can’t get it back.I hope there are better days ahead.
Leslie, I totally understand what you are going through and I think it is necessary and totally healthy. I am glad you are moving forward with the occasional wave of grief, will be with us forever I suspect. I have not returned to even look at “our” house and keep putting that journey off, not sure how I will react but have learned the last 14 months to just go with it. Anna I totally agree that grief has made us more emotional and more aware of our relationships and the importance (or not) of them, I am so glad you had this time to share with your mum.
Deb
Leslie – my heart and soul is with you. And don’t think you are strange grieving for a house, as it is fully understandable. You are grieving for the memories and the life you had there….and that is not just understandable but I would say totally normal
In fact I would be more worried if you weren’t crying….let the grief out, allow yourself to grieve….in a way it is like another loss. Like I always say my problem is not allowing myself grieve and that just stores up problems later..
The fact that you can go back will help on one way as you can stage letting go, the issue being that there isn’t a clean break for a new future. So I would see the tears as the first step in letting go, don’t fear them…embrace them as they are part of letting go of the past. What you haven’t got yet are the happy memories in your new place…maybe arrange a get together to create some happy memories in the new one?
I remain so proud of how you are facing up to your new reality, it would be easier not to move on…but although the move brings pain in the short term I believe in the long term it will bring you joy. If only we could all come to a new house party and give you a hug!!!
Here is a virtual hug
…..and know that you can grieve here and we will be there for you to support you through it xx
Dear Deb and Anna, thank you so much for the support. It is wonderful to come here to this site and find friends who understand. Those closest to me try to give me support in any way they can but they really can’t understand the emotions I am going through. It is wonderful to know that I am experiencing normal human emotions. You are truly my friends even though we have never met in person. I am trying very hard to look on the positive side of things. I think I will take your advice, Anna, and have a little get together in my new place as soon as everything is unpacked and in its proper place. I do love this place and have met some very friendly neighbours already. Even Bailey, my Jack Russell terrier seems to be settling in. Thank you again, you two, for all your support.
Dear Leslie,
Oh how I wish I could help ease the pain that you’re experiencing. I admire you for making the move into your condo and parting with some of your family possessions. Everything stopped dead for me when Michael died. I didn’t want to change anything! My condo has been kind of a shrine to our life. In the past, I couldn’t understand why parents would keep their deceased child’s room exactly as it was when their child lived. Now I know… Nonetheless, I didn’t want to become like Miss Havisham and live amongst the cobwebs, moldy wedding cake, and stopped clocks. It’s surprising how easy it would be to go down that road!
You continue to inspire me with your strength and ability to move forward. In August my brother made some renovations to my condo, and it’s been the impetus to make the place more mine (and less ours). I just love my top-down blinds! It’s amazing how a fresh coat of paint, and other sprucing up, can change one’s perspective. Timing is everything, though.
Hugs,
Mary
Thanks, Mary. I just knew all of you would understand what I’m going through. It’s so good to have this forum to get everything out in the open.
I know what you mean about your condo being a shrine to your life together. I also felt that way but I knew that I had to move in order to start that next phase of my life. I’m sure that is different for everyone. I know some widows who have no desire to move and don’t feel the way I did about stagnating in my old home. Everyone has to find their own way, I think.
I am having some trouble this week in accepting this new life but I am sure that better days will come. As for the pain, as difficult as it is, at least I am feeling something and that is a good thing. There have been times during this past year when I felt nothing or almost a numbness. I think this might be another step towards healing.
Again, thank you so much for caring. It means the world to me.