Grieving a sibling’s death
In February of 2005, I received one of those phone calls no-one every wants to get. My baby brother, 35 years old, had died. Even worse, he had taken his life.
Up until this past spring, I worked with dying people. After working as an RN in many different areas over the years, I was working part-time in a palliative care residence. I helped people in their final days and I helped people who loved those who were dying. Death wasn’t foreign to me; I’d lost beloved pets, I’d lost grandparents, I’d lost more patients and people who I’d come to know and admire, than I can recall. So, I had no idea I would react as I did. I collapsed.
I often wonder about that day. It was just two days after my daughter turned 16 and she was alone in the house with me when I received the phone call. She didn’t know what to do, but she handled things anyway. But I wonder what type of impression it left on her. Parents are the strong ones, we’re the ones who look after our children, but I needed caring for very much at that point.
His death made me wonder how I would react if anything happened to my husband, to whom I’ve been married for 22 years. Would I be able to cope? Would I have to lean on our children? Would that be fair to them since they would have just suffered a tremendous loss of their own? I learned through my brother’s death that no matter how well prepared we think we are – we can’t be completely prepared for that final good-bye.
Marijke Durning
www.helpmyhurt.com
Message to Anna: I’m new at b5media so we’ve not met, but I wish you the best and hope that you return home, safe and sound, soon.
Marijke
Marijke,
I am so sorry about the death of your brother.
My husband’s sister died a year ago, and we are still grieving her death. Loosing a sibling is incredibly painful and feels just plain wrong.
We have lots of ways of remembering her and have created all kinds of ways of including her in our lives. But, still….. we would so much rather have her here with us!
My heart is with you in your grief!
blessings
Noreen
My brother just died, he just turned 6 and i just turned 12 and I have no idea how to handle it. Please help me if you can
Sibeal – you need to talk about your feelings, you need to find away of expressing what you are thinking..even here if that helps…what are you thinking, what are you feeling?
My brother and best friend died May 18, 2008. He walked into the hospital with severe flu symptoms on Monday, May 12th. His belly was distended and he was jaundiced.
The doctor told my dad and me on Wednesday that he was dying. We left the hospital like zombies. He’s only 46 and had helped me move my furniture a week before. He was strong and healthy at that time.
He went from ICU to the cancer treatment center at the hospital to die which ironically was next to the nursery. He rallied on Saturday the 17th and was his usual snarky self.
On Sunday when I went to be there with him he was snoring loudly! The whole unit could hear him. The nurses carefully gave him a bath and he chose his cuss words carefully when it hurt. About noon my mom and I noticed a change in his breathing pattern. He passed peacefully at 3:23 pm.
My brother and best friend died of organ failure due to the medications he took for his bipolar disease and self medication from alcohol. He was a gifted chiropractor that helped many but couldn’t help himself. I guess the mental disease finally won. He knew what he was doing when he drank to hide the pain he felt.
I can’t cry out loud…I have to be strong for my very strong parents. They seem to have moved on and are making future plans. I cry at very secretive times…driving home from work…late at night. I don’t know how to handle the death of my brother! I miss him so much.
Oh wow, that must be difficult. I understand as I was the one who had to be strong for mum, when Dad died. One thing I would say is find a way of letting that grief out…it is there and if you don’t let it out, it will eat away at you.
Have you got a friend that you can talk to…cry with? Or one way that helped me was writing my thoughts down in a journal. Your heart needs to let the pain out…
Also if your parents are stronger now, they may be ready to support you. They will want to support you. Sometimes we want to be there for them but don’t forget they may need to be there for you.
Anna