How grief has changed me…
May 28, 2007 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Positive Changes
I really enjoyed going out on Saturday but I did notice how I have changed. I used to be the “life and soul” but this weekend I was the quiet one, smiling at everyone but quiet. I found it hard to be upbeat, I loved the feeling
of being amongst friends, I enjoyed the day but I was like a spectator. Maybe, this is the first stage – building confidence in going out by on my own. I hope so as I almost felt like a visitor in my body(!)
I suppose it shows that the process is long and that your progress is one step at a time…I also think that I have got used to being in my own company, I don’t interact as well, I find myself thinking of what to talk about which would have come naturally in the past. Being with people is not natural for me, however I know that the more I push myself to do it the more natural it will become.
I have found exactly the same. Also, because I can sense people notice my ’strangeness’ (I used to be so talkative and animated) I feel even more self-conscious and so avoid social situations – not that there are that many, fortunately, given my job and my boys take up my time.
But it does make you even more isolated.
Do you feel like someone visiting your body? I feel that I am like a visitor…I know this isn’t me and yet cannot find my normal behaviour? It is as though I am watching myself act in this way…does that make sense?
I feel very much like a stranger even in my own skin. I look in the mirror and this old woman looks back, yet I know I’m only in my late 40s.
I also feel like I’m watching myself and it makes me really self-conscious (obviously) because I wonder if I look as strange to others as I seem to myself ….