How to Be Yourself
July 20, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
In coping with grief – does anyone forget about who you really are?
I know that in so many ways I had defined myself by my relationship, so much so that I now struggle with knowing who I am. Funny really because my partner was someone who wasn’t controlling, he actually encouraged my independence.
I wonder whether my struggle to know who I am, is less about reality but more in my own perception? I feel loss, and loss in its own definition means something missing. Therefore I feel that something is missing in me. In reality though I am still me, I am still the person I have always been….it is the relationship, the person that I love that is missing.
So I feel part of grief is actually realising that you are still you, that you existed before falling in love and you exist after you have lost your love partner.
I think we need to distinguish the love we felt…that we feel even now…from who we are as a person. We need to trust in us, we need to trust in our personal qualities to deal with what life throws at us.
It is not about finding me again, it is about realising that ‘me’ still exists and always has done.
I just found this site and what you state is true. There was a way we existed before our love partner came into our lives and we are existing now that our love partner is gone. I had the gift of meeting, loving, and marrying, and parting with my wonderful husband all in a span of two years. We married a week before he passed just a few months ago. From the time I met him I began sharing in his life and he in mine…and I became a different woman. Someone who hadn’t existed in this way before. Many things that I had buried deep inside of me only he was able to find and bring out. I drew immense strength, will, and energy from his love, his smile, his zest for life. My family noticed the change. It is hard to face everyday without him and I feel that part of that woman cannot be that way without him.
Maritere – I hope this site brings comfort to you at this truly painful time. We are a strong community and we even have an internet phone call once a month so that we can talk openly about how we feel with people who understand…I will be posting tomorrow about next month would be wonderful for you to join…
It is not easy but have a look through some of the older posts as I share little bits that have helped me, and hopefully they might not ease the pain but give you a way of coping with the pain.
Anna x
Thank you Anna for your reply. I hope that I will be able to join your internet phone line. Thank you again and blessings.
Anna, I always thought that, as long as my best friend,my husband, was alive, that we presented a united front to the world and that brought forth the best of each of us. Now that he has died I am back to showing my strength and my weaknesses, not only to the world, but to myself. A sad reminder in the face of grieving of how much there is still to do in being the best person I can be. Alone.
Cindy – I like to think we are never alone, I always believe that love lives on. That is what keeps me going…somehow, somewhere he is smiling at both my strength and my weaknesses. Maybe…
I think we both though miss the feedback, miss the special smile that they gave us when they were proud of us, or when we made a mess of things. I don’t think we can find that….but you never know, maybe they can?