How to Help a Parent Grieving
September 1, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Practical Tips on Grief
At the weekend I posted an emotional letter – Can Anyone Help a Widow? – from a reader whose parent is struggling to come to terms with her grief. I thought about this long and hard as I want to help. I think my suggestion would be writing to her mother. At the moment, her mother needs closure, she cannot see a way forward without her husband. I think I would write and say something like
Mum,
I want you to know how much you mean to me, how much I love you. At the moment I spend the day thinking about how I can help you with your pain, I try each day to take your pain away. My biggest fear when the phone rings is that it is someone telling me that I have lost you. I am lost, I don’t know how to help, I don’t know how to help you through your grief…I need your help. I don’t want to lose you, I am still grieving over losing Dad and now I am faced with the day to day fear of losing you. You don’t think you have anything to live for…..I want you to know that you do. We love you more than words can say, we need you more than you will ever know.
I suppose I am writing to say let me in, mum. I am grieving, I understand the loss….together we can help each other through the pain. When I was young, you were there for me, always telling me that things would be better tomorrow…..now it is my turn. We cannot change what has happened, we cannot change the past….but together we can find a new future, a new life that would make Dad proud. He loved you, he is still around us in our heart. He will be hurting at how his loss is destroying your life…let us help, let us in, please…….I would love to take you on a break away, maybe where you and Dad last went or where you met….together let us face this loss and find a way of moving on together.
I hope that this letter shows how much I care, how much I need you in my life, how much I fear losing you. Please mum, let me help
Love you more than words can say….
Without knowing all the circumstances, I think a letter may be the way of getting through to her. Words on a page can really hit home, she can read it over and over and think about her role as your mother. I don’t know if it would work but I think that is what I would do….what does everyone else feel?
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Yes, I think a letter would be helpful. But I would suggest that she give her mother the letter while having lunch (away from her mother’s home) together. Approach the topic verbally when they are at the restaurant or cafe – and I would suggest (reading that her mother is drinking a lot) that she plan a lunch where there is no possibility of liquor being served – one without a liquor license of any kind. I think reaching across the table and taking her mother’s hands in her own hands first, then talking about the subject, might reinforce the warmth and compassion that is behind her words and her worry. It is true that some become very depressed following the loss of a spouse (especially when this occurs much younger than expected), and that is also when some “self-medicate” with alcohol. I was fortunate that this was not my case, but each of us has our own demons to try to escape. Does her mother work outside the home? Maybe she can suggest some kind of volunteer effort that will help her mother realize that others have even greater needs or problems to bear. But obviously this will have to approached carefully and delicately.
Jessica
Great points. That is what I love about this community we share ideas, then add to them and make them better. I have in my family some drink problems and you make a great point. Thanks for taking the time to try and help, I am sure you are like me and worried for her
I can identify with this widow totally. I lost my husband November 29, 2006. I am 59. He was, to sum it all up briefly, my whole world. One week, he was fine. The next week he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given six months. He lasted six weeks.
Unless your mother can find a support group that deals with people solely on the loss of a mate, it’s going to be hard for her to recover. I still cry everyday. Just when I think I got things under control I loose it. My husband and I did everything together and were very seldom apart.
The reason I found this website is because I was looking for help myself. I’m not a stranger to death. Grief hurts, but the loss of a mate is a pain that is unreal. Here you’ve built your world around someone and now they’re gone and you have to find a way to reinvent yourself. There is a feeling of loneliness that is beyond belief.
If there ever was a time that you need God, it is at the loss of mate.
Here are my suggestions:
Call often, especially at night.
visit often. If possible have her spend time with you.
LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN–she has memories and you may have to hear stories over and over again but be patient.
Don’t even suggest that you understand, because you don’t. Trust me on that one.
The thing is to be there for her.
I will remember her in my prayers and you too. She’ll get thru this, but it’s gonna take a lot of time. You just don’t get over x amount of years in a few days.