How to Prepare as a Widow for the Holiday Period
December 1, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
Holiday periods are for me the worst time of the year. Worse than anniversaries, worse than birthdays. I think it is because the holiday season is too many one of the happiest family times, and the gap becomes even more evident than normal. Also all the traditions that you did together, come back to you…
I believe that the best way to cope with the holiday season is to prepare ahead of time. Here are some things that I do but would love you all to share how you prepare…maybe we can find a best practice?
- I still buy presents for the people that I have lost, I wrap them up and then take them down to the local hospice. The reason is that I enjoy the buying, I then enjoy the joy they bring to the people I give them to.
- In the next few days, I will write a letter to myself. I will put down how proud I am of how I am coping, of how I will find strength in our love to see me through the holiday. When I have the bad times, I read that letter.
- I ban myself from ever using the word ought or should during the holiday period! The fact is that no matter how much I wish things were different, they will not be. For those around me, it is important that I concentrate on the life and the living rather than the dead and the gone….
- I put aside a time when I can go to his memorial and cry. I may take a friend, I always take a letter and read it out. This is my time to mourn, to allow the feelings to flow. Privately and just pure grief. Because I know there is that time, I can ensure that I can control my emotions during the rest of the time
- I give myself permission to enjoy the holiday and the time with the family. I know that is what
he would want, and sometimes you feel guilty. But this is the time of the year when you need to realise more than ever, that you are a human being and as a human being you need some joy to get through the dark days.
Does anyone else do anything to prepare, as a widow or widower, for Christmas?
I know what it’s like to lose someone you love. You just have to force yourself to move and eventually it will happen.
Charles
It is great to see you hear, I often think how difficult it must be for widowers. If I may ask do you think you have to keep your emotions in more ?
I thought I was “prepared” for the holidays. My decision was to not decorate at all this year, but I will send out cards. However, something totally threw me off last night. I thought I would put on some holiday cd’s and that would get me in a more festive mood. As I recall, we had about a dozen or so Christmas-y cd’s – and I could NOT find them. Perhaps Greg – in his logical and orderly fashion – had packed them up with the decorations. Well, I was not going to drag all those boxes out and pick over and through each one. So within a half-hour or so, after searching most of the rest of the house, I was in tears – frustrated and a bit angry, too. It is times like this that I realize that I can NEVER be “prepared” for the holidays.
I don’t think I prepare for the holidays. Sometimes I dread them (there were times when I couldn’t spend Christmas with my family before I was married). Last year was the first Christmas without Michael. I wrote letters to the friends that weren’t aware of his death. I didn’t go to L.A. to spend Christmas with his family (his family tradition). I love them dearly, and I thought that I could go this year. But I realized that I’m still not ready to face his family’s holidays without him. I’m thinking that I want to visit them at a non-holiday time, so things aren’t so emotionally charged. This year I will be putting up the tree and plan on entertaining a little during the week between Christmas and New Year’s.
Does that mean you will be alone in Christmas Day? I am lucky as I will have my mum, my dear mum who means the world to me and on the 27th it will be my Nana’s 99th birthday would you believe!
Anna,
My sister-in-law’s (my brother’s wife) family rotates the holiday gatherings. Her oldest sister hosts most of them. At Thanksgiving she said to me that “you’re invited for Christmas. That’s a given.” I’ve got a standing invitation for all the holidays. No, I won’t be alone on Christmas. Thanks for your concern!
The main point of my last comment is that decorating for Christmas and looking ahead to the rest of the holiday season signals to me that I’m moving forward. I’m capable of finding joy in the season. Knowing that makes me feel good.
You’re always counting your blessings, Anna. Your Mum and your Nana are two of them.
Hugs,
Mary
I decided to decorate for Christmas. My daughter helped me put up the outdoor lights. I also have my tree up and decorated. Somehow it is giving me a feeling of hope and continuity. I’m happy to hear that you are also feeling joy in the season, Mary.
Last Saturday my daughter and her family went to a Christmas tree farm to cut down their tree. They do this every year. This year they asked me to come along. It was wonderful to see my three grandsons’ faces when they found their perfect tree. These little things are what Christmas is all about. I also picked a name from the tree at our local library. It is a boy of 14 who without my help would not have received a Christmas gift. It made me feel good to do something like that. I find that doing little things that hopefully help my community brings
the meaning of Christmas home to me.I hope all of you can find a way of reaching out. I feel it comes back to you tenfold.
Hugs to all
Leslie
Thank you both. You have given me an incentive to go out today and decorate the house, I was feeling very “unchristmas-y” I know that you are both right about it shows that we are making strides, it just feels…well, whats the point? But you two have answered that, the point is that life goes on and there are still many things to celebrate
I don’t know how you do it. I can’t even think about the holidays without tears and more tears. Never mind thinking about whether to buy presents send cards or whatever. It is over 10 months and I feel like I am worse off than when he first died.