I need Your Help for a Reader
March 27, 2007 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
We have all been there the feeling of total devastation – well I have just got an e-mail from a reader who says
“ I NEED HELP AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. My husband passed away 5 years ago and I never dealt with it because I felt that I had to be strong for my children. I turned to drink at the time although I have been sober for over a year. but things are not getting any better – money, grief etc….. please tell me where to turn”
I am glad that she turned to us, I have asked her to explain more about her feelings and practical issues so that as a community we can try and help…..the one thing I know from writing this blog is that there are people like you and me that want to help others with their grief…you are not alone, no matter what you think at this time.
My top tip for feeling overcoming devastation is to write down all your REAL problems, and then write by the side something that you can do to solve it….when you do that you seem to get some control back after a while. Then you can start thinking about the issues that are not tangible but feel real in your head…..and deal with them. But devastation can often be the latter becoming more powerful in your mind then the real problems?
Come on Widows Quest readers…we need to reach out to one of our own and show she is not alone, that no matter her problems we will share our thoughts on how she can turn her life around….
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am so glad to hear that you have been sober for a year now. I am so proud of you. One of my best friends lost her husband unexpectedly 4 years ago when her kids were 10 and 12. I asked her what kept her going. She said that he would never have wanted her to live any differently than when he was alive so that her kids would still have some consistency in their lives without him. That is what she has tried to do.
Think about this. Your husband, I am sure, loved you and your kids very much and wanted what was best for all of you. So try your best to honor his wishes and do the things that you loved doing with him. I know this might be hard but knowing that he is looking down on you guys and smiling when you are still doing what you as a family used to do should help.
The other thing that I have found very helpful when my depression was so bad that I literally couldn’t get off the couch because I was crying and tired all the time was a good counselor. If you belong to a church, ask for references from your pastor. If you don’t, ask a friend’s pastor. Your friend never has to know that you asked. Don’t be embarrassed to go. I actually went for over 2 years without my work ever knowing about it. I just tried to work my schedule around my appointments. It took me 2 long years but the outcome has been a happier person and my family is SO much better for it. Most counselors will do just fine but personal references will keep you from the wackos out there that will tell you to “do what feels right and go for the gusto”. Let me tell you that doesn’t work because I needed someone to hear what I had to say, help me work on fixing what was broken, and get my depressed butt off the couch. If I had “done what felt right”, I would still be the black hole that I let myself swirl into. That is never a good thing. What I needed was someone to kick me in the pants and help me help myself out of the toilet bowl I was circling!
The third thing is to never give up. You have to keep going full steam ahead with getting better because your kids deserve that. They also deserve parents that love and adore them and I am sure you do. They have lost a lot as well and you need to help them deal with it too. If you have had a hard time dealing, then chances are that they have as well and you just aren’t seeing it. Take some time to get yourself together so that you can make sure they have as well. Otherwise, they will have long term repercussions to deal with that you can’t help with. You owe them that chance at a happy life.
Great job Kelly. I couldn’t have said it any better.
It is so important to take care of yourself. Your kids really need you. I am sure the loss of their dad has been really hard on them. I’m sure your kids would fall to pieces without you. You are the one thing that is a steady in their life and you are the link to their dad.
I agree with Kelly. You need to find a good counselor that can help you sort through everything.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I take a deep breath and just start taking baby steps. One step at a time. Don’t think about everything all at once, just think about one SMALL thing you can do to start improving the situation and make yourself better. You can do it!! All the best.
I’ve recently gone through some tough times, and although I know it’s nothing compared to losing your husband, I thought I’d share a few things that keep me going when everything is too hard, overwhelming, and unsure.
I keep telling myself that, no matter how bad I feel right now, I will get through it. If I can’t manage my sadness and it turns to depression, I have no qualms about seeing a doctor and having an antidepressant perscribed until I’m back on my feet again.
I make a list of seven things to accomplish in a day. Sometimes the list is ambitious. Sometimes it’s a reflection of how I’m feeling that day, and includes such things as “Get out of bed” and “Brush teeth” and “get dressed”. But I get everything on my list crossed off and I feel I’ve accomplished something.
Get counseling. Emotional, spiritual, and financial.
You can get through this. Your children need you. You need you.
Please be kind to yourself.
My father died when I was 15, leaving my mother a widow at 38 with three children between the ages of 10 and 15. Losing someone so young and having to do so much alone, was frightening and heavy, but the tragedy has NOT shaped our lives.
We miss having dad, but it is not a weight we carry around all the time and there is no disloyalty or lack of love in recovering.
If there is one things we have all learned is that just because life doesn’t turn out the way you plan, does not mean everything can’t turn out OK.
You also don’t have to do this alone. You may have ideas that community and social resources exist only for other people, but they don’t. They exist for all of us and the only way to ensure those services and help will be there is to use it when you need it. That need, right now, is what you and your family have.
You have completed the first step buy admitting that you need help through this tough time. I know the pain of losing a father at a young age and a spouse. I know it’s hard to admit that you need help when you are used to being the strong one in the family. But by helping your self you will in turn help your children. I lost my father 13 years ago when I was only 9 years old, and I recently lost my fiancé in a horrible car accident 4 months ago. The pain of losing two very important people in my life is more then I even thought was possible to feel. It helped me a lot by being able to talk about my loss and helping other people get though their own personally tragedies. There are a lot of support groups out in the community where you can go and talk to someone. It might even help if you and your children all go to a grief counselor together.
Wow such wonderful comments – it just shows how many people care, how many people REALLY understand the pain of grief, and how many have learned to live again