“I Remember You”
March 13, 2006 by Adelle Tilton
Filed under Affirmations of Life, Discoveries, Grief, Rebuilding Shattered Faith, Releasing Fear, Reviews: Books, Films & Music
Right after I was widowed, I bought every book on grief I could find. I had this idea – if I bought all of the books and learned everything I could learn about grief, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Bad idea – it cost me a lot of money and it still hurt.
Oh, how desperately we seek to maintain control.
I still buy books on grief but now I have a rule – I don’t buy them very often, maybe two or three a year, and I don’t look for them to be anything more than a map to help guide the journey. Even with a big library of books that should help, I still noticed that yesterday was the fourth anniversary of my husband’s funeral. We need to be realistic about what we can expect from a book.
With that in mind, this month I bought a book called, “I Remember You.” Although this is a grief journal, it is also a book about healing, rebuilding, redefining, and learning to let your past coexist with your present and future. Laynee Gilbert, the author, says, “In this book, you can note your reflections of life and death, on faith and hope; you can dwell with whatever is on your mind and in your heart.”
Gilbert emphasizes a very important thing for anyone grieving, but for a young widow it is imperative to hear. People do die – we can’t change that. But relationships do not die. Love crosses all boundaries, even those that exist between the veil of life and death. Taking that as a starting point, the author has created a journal that not only guides the widow, in the here and now, but strengthens the relationship she had, and lost. That isn’t to say, other relationships will not happen, but each person we love occupies a unique place within our life; this book honors the relationship recently lost and allows a person to move forward. “Your loved one may be gone but the relationship lives on,” says Gilbert.
The vast majority of the pages in this book are for what I would call “interactive writing.” There is space for letters, poems, song lyrics, and other writings that would be meaningful for the owner of this book. The author suggests putting photos in as it seems appropriate. Gilbert’s writing only covers a very few pages, leaving the rest of the book to the reader to finish writing.
“This journal can be a home for your experiences. As you tell your story, your words will lead you on your own unique, personal passage through the healing process of grief. As you give life to these pages, you will also be breathing life into your relationship with the one who has passed on.”
Four years after the death of my husband, I think the right book came into my life. I think it is an excellent book for the widow who is ready not only to cope with her grief, but to work on redefining her life and remembering her husband in a very special way.
Well, I must say that I learnt everything about death and their related issues on web. Science does wonders to this world of ours but this was one area that I wish I had never benefited from. Widowed at 49 just this past June, I had searched quite extensively on all information regarding widowhood. From the practical aspects of tax return, insurance claims, closing bank accounts, cancelling credit card, estates settlement to the more emotional issue on grief and mourning, I had read it all and put most of them into practice. I had acquired extensive knowledges on death rituals and funeral arrangements to the extent that I was able to publish a pocket size ‘Funeral Guide For Widows” for my church. I considered it a small achievement as my husband’s funeral was the very first time in my life that I’d directly been dealing with death. In fact, that was also the first time I’d actually touched a casket, not to memtion buying one. Without seeking advices from some widow sites in advance, I would never having the courage to actually viewing my husband in the mortuary (all by myself), kissed him and then even closing his eyes for him before I left. The information age had served its purposes. I am indeed thankful for all anyone who put in their time and efforts to those who happened to be wearing their uncomfortable shoes. These are the people that truely deserve my gratitude and respect.
Mrs. Janice Leyland
What wonderful words….what a wonderful gift to give to the world…sharing your learning so people can cope better in the future.
I remember dealing with seeing the body…I don’t think I will ever forget his face…thank you for your contribution
I read the book for the first time on August 7 2006 when I was on a night flight from Tokyo to Phoenix for the arrangements of my husband’s funeral (I flew to Japan for a meeting the day after my husband passed!).
Seeing what I was reading, the lady sitting next to me had commented very positively about the book and how she gathered strength from it after her husband died. That was indeed some incentive to keep me reading. I recalled finishing the whole book on the plane but, strangely enough, not able to remember a word I had read! I guessed I just unable to concentrate on anything.
It took me the whole next morning to finish all funeral arrangements. Regardless having experienced these things only a year before when my ex-husband passed, I still experienced great pains during the handling of such arrangement. Since I was taking an evening flight back to Tampa FL. and didn’t feel like going anythwhere, I just decided to stay at the funeral home that afternoon and started reading the book – again, right outside the casket palor. Reading through the whole book within a few short hours, I was partically absorbed by what she had experienced and suddenly established an unspeakable bond with the author. I must second Adelle on recommending this book to anyone who had or about to enter into the challenging world of widowhood.
This book had given me a new perspective in life where I tend to look at most things in a positive angle. Now that my husbands’ things had all finished up and my career is demanding my total committement and and energy. Despite of the inevitable life events during the recent past, I must admit that the last 12 months was my most satisfying and rewarding time that I’ve ever had. I am glad to having a renewal relationship with my two daughters (aged 21 and 23) and I am indeed eager to explore my new and exciting stage in life. Turning 50 (in March 07), to me, represents a new beginning than a dead end. Its not that bad after all.
I wouls also like to compliment Mrs. Leyland on her effort to writing the ‘Funeral Guide For Widows’ for her church. It was a brave and graceful act on closing her husband’s eyes as a gesture of closure considering that was only her first bereavement. I just wish I had done the same to my late husband myself soon after he died. For that, I still feel a little regret up to these day.
Arlene Fleming,
Tempa, FL
When my father died in 1982, I was driving my mom to the funeral home for making arrangements. I was only 24 at the time. Even though she had decided to go alone, I insisted on tagging along; although none of us had any idea on what to be expected. We ended up getting whatever the mortician suggested and I recalled the casket alone costed over $10,000 in 1982 dollar. My mom was an fashion buyer for a chair store and obviously a super bargainer. But I honestly didn’t see her bargaining on anything while we were there. I didn’t blame her cause information on such issue was indeed very limited at that time (when PC was not yet popular) and emotion certainly played a major role on funeral decisions.
However, the world had really moved forward over the last 25 years and information (in any form : books, webs, blog, etc.) is readily accessible to everyone. Then when my own husband died this past summer, I found myself a lot better prepared on everything, cause I was able to assess prior information on anything I possibly needed. Possessed with all the necessary knowledge, I was even able to challenge my funeral director on his mis-charge over the burial vault while successfully upgraded the casket from stainless steel to bronze at only nominal charges. Despite that I still paid over $14,000 on my husband’s casket, the overall funeral cost was still more than 10% lower than my dad’s but with still higher service quality on every item. On that, I must agree with Mrs. Leyland that information age has served it purposes. But I must say that this was one area that I wish I never need any knowledge on.
Mrs. Lesley H
Thank you for this recommendation. It sounds like something that will help me. Even the excerpts from above help me. One of my greatest fears is that he is forgotten. I worry that my young children won’t remember him. At 42 I know that I want to eventually find a partner and it just scares me.
I just wrote on my blog about my crush and how crazy that is.
I’m getting the book today, thank you.
Amie