In Grief – Is the First Step the Hardest?
July 27, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Blogs and Resources, Devotions & Prayers, Grief, Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
There is a saying that the first step is the hardest…I sometimes wonder if that is true in the bereavement process?
Why?
Because the first step isn’t often the one that helps start to heal the broken heart…in itself. Of course the first time going out, the first time you meet someone, the first time you go on holiday, the first anniversary are all hard…I don’t dispute that at all. However often the first step is surrounded by friends, often the first step is understood by all as a difficult step for a widow or widower.
But following that you have to start progressing on your own, often you don’t enjoy the first experience because of the loneliness and that can make the future even more difficult.
What I would like to say to people feeling like that is this….there is no definitive answer..it may be the first, fifth or fiftieth step you take which is the hardest. But the alternative of removing yourself from life or society is not easy anyway. It feeds depression, it feeds loneliness so what I would think about is this
“This step is hard, it may even be painful but at least it is a step in the right direction”
Once again, Anna, you are spot on. The first step is not easy but there usually is lots of support out there for those taking it. However, the next steps are harder, in my opinion. For instance, making big decisions by yourself without the input of your most valuable and beloved confidante can be terrifying. Once these steps are made however, I find a tremendous sense of relief and pride that I could accomplish such things alone. I didn’t choose this path, just like all of us, but I must make the best of it and find small victories where I can. I hope everyone else out there in this community will come to rejoice in their next few steps and start living life to its fullest.
Interesting point and I have to agree that for me, as I look back to last year, I was surrounded by loving, caring friends and people who helped me professionally with all of the legal and financial steps that took place in dealing with my hubby’s death. Luckily, I am pretty well organized and I also traveled almost every month to visit family. Much of the time I was too numb to notice the finer points of one’s day to day existence.
This second year has felt more like “first steps” to me. Now, I am facing the reality of being alone and have had to push myself harder to take steps to make more new friends, get involved in more activities and keep myself from sinking into depression. A greater challenge in many ways. Health problems to deal with make it a bit harder too but also the fact that those who have not gone through what we have gone through expect that you should be operating at 100% effectiveness by now!
For me, it’s still one day at a time and do something each day to make it special.
I suppose in the end all the steps are the hardest but at least if we are making them together then we are walking towards a better life
I love this, Anna, because I found that all the firsts were just that: firsts. But, like Cindy, I felt that the second year was harder, because I no longer was numb to the loss. Fortunately I remembered what other widows had told me early on–that even years later, a wave of emotion, could rise up and surprise you. That you never truly forget the person you loved even after you’ve healed from the loss. I try to remember that.