Is grief tangible or intangible?
October 28, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
Grief is something that we feel so much on a daily basis and in some ways controls our lives – it made me think that this ‘thing’ that controls our thoughts and feelings, this ‘thing’ which causes so much pain…what is it? Is it tangible, is it something we physically live with….or is it intangible, so therefore something that we manage through our minds?
When I think about it….for me there is a bit of both
- Tangible – there is that element of being alone, being the only person in the home, in the car, in the bed. There is that element of tangible problems like financial worries, family disagreements. There is the emptying of the house…eventually.
- Intangible – the pain is about feelings, it is about hurt, it is literally the heart aching or breaking. It is not that we have lost the love, it is the fact that we have lost the person…and the feeling of being loved.
Why I think about this is that making a list of what hurts us the most, what makes us grieve and then thinking about all the items as tangible or intangible can help….
The tangible problems can have tangible answers eg. loneliness can be helped through company.
The intangible problems can be worked on through talking, through understanding, through acceptance or even through counselling.
Widow grief: I feel more lonely in a crowded room. Everyone else seems to belong somewhere. I don’t seem to belong anywhere anymore. To ease the loneliness, I have to be alone because that is the only time I can hear myself think. It is harder to think now, so I need the quiet. I turn the radio up full blast to drown the world out and have quiet in my mind.
A widow’s paradox.
Wow! It is amazing how we all share such similar emotions. I believe it was just a little over one year ago that I posted on Widows’ Quest that I felt more alone in a crowd than while by myself. Camie, just know that we all understand what you are saying here. We’ve all been there and we are all with you. I’ve had so many ups and downs on this journey of grief that I have lost count. I do feel that I have more ups than downs lately. It is a long journey and I’m not sure if it ever comes to a complete end but life does get better.
I remember posting about that about a year ago…so me too. It is normal in grief to feel lonely in a crowd, but then again you feel lonely at home..the difference is that you don’t feel as awkward as no one can see you.
The best advice I can give…is the only way to eat an elephant they say is one chunk at a time…small groups, small step…small amount of time and build up over time. It does get easier though even now it isn’t something that I enjoy…but my alternative is to become a hermit and I know that at the end of the day I do love people. I just need to take my time, one step at a time, one meeting at a time…and eventually, eventually it will be OK. In the meantime I write here as my way of being with friends and easing the loneliness without having to go out…which is why I love our conversations…
Anna
When my husband first died the agony was so great that I felt there wasn’t even an English word to describe the pain. However, the concept of eating an elephant is wonderful. Without knowing it I have been gnawing away for about four years now. My heart is still heavy and the loneliness at times still palpable but now I have another tool in my pocket for an o .k tomorrow. Thank you. Penny
Anna, as usual your advice is spot on. I love that saying about eating the elephant. I have never heard that before but it certainly will stay in my mind. You are so right about about feeling lonely at home as well. I guess it is the awkward feeling when in a crowd that makes it seem that much more painful. I have been taking those steps forward lately. I am moderating a group that I was a part of last year called Fully Alive. It makes me feel useful and fulfilled to help others who need a little nudge in the right direction so that they may experience the joys of life again.
When my husband died the agony was so profound that I felt there wasn’t even an English word for it.However, the concept of eating an elephant is wonderful. Without knowing it I have been gnawing away for almost four years now. The heartache is still there and the loneliness palpable from time to time but this concept has given me another tool to reach an ok tomorrow. Thank you. Penny