Let’s Stay Real to Our Love
October 23, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
I was speaking to a widow today and although my heart was breaking for her loss, the conversation really made me think about the memories we have…….are our memories of the real love ?This lady was talking about a person that in truth, I didn’t recognise! I know for instance the marriage was in difficulty and also that the marriage had been “abusive” in many ways. Now I am not saying that they didn’t love each other, I am not saying that he didn’t create some wonderful memories but it made me think how strongly I feel about
keeping those memories real…
I hope I remember the good, the bad and the indifferent because our relationship was not perfect. Love isn’t perfect, people are not perfect. However, he was perfect for me. Distorting our memories may help in some way, but are we masking the reality? Wondered what your views were…..
Hi Anna,
You know I have often spoken glowingly of Michael, and he was a dear man. The first weeks after he died, he was a saint. I knew it wasn’t realistic, but I think it cushioned the blow. Remembering the love, remembering the goodness comforted me immensely. Was this woman newly widowed? I think reality will set in soon enough. Then she can face some of the truth of her relationship.
Mary – I agree, I think in this situation it is better to remember the man she wished he was, rather than the man he was….otherwise the pain of grief will be doubled with a pain of reliving the memory. I agree we all look through rose tinted and there is nothing wrong with that….I hope that like you we learn to remember them as they were over time…after all it was the warts and all that made me love him!
I find that ‘revisionist history’ takes place even among those who have never experienced a loss. It’s our body/mind trying to protect ourselves in many ways. I’ve interviewed a lot of POWs and MIA wives and it’s a consistent theory, though it often breaks loose (permanently!) when reality strikes and loved ones resurface/return home. Have you read the book “The Survivor Personality?” It’s a fascinating peek into why/how some people can surf through crisis after crisis while others crumble. Fascinating.
I liked your phrasing, “However, he was perfect for me.” And I think that’s how I view our relationship, too. And I like Mary’s take, that “The first weeks after he died, he was a saint”. I think we all have a tendency to lean that way, as tho’ to think or speak otherwise, would besmirch their memories. And of course we all know that no one is perfect, WAS perfect.
You see though we are from different worlds, different continents doesn’t it just further prove that grief is universal no matter how personal it feels