Let’s Support a Military Widow
June 18, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Military Deaths
I wrote a post called Finding Your Strengths for a New Life and received a heart tugging comment from a recent widow here is a snippet
“I really do miss my dearest husband and I instantly start to cry when I look at our pictures. This has not been happening lately, but today I feel down and am in need of finding someone to talk to. My mother is around, but she seems to become worse if I open up for her.
So I really don’t know what to do….”
I know we all know that feeling, I know that none of us can take away the pain but I do know that there is a wonderful community who will want to reach out and help – any advice you can give please leave a comment.
My thoughts are
- You are going through the grief cycle. Your feelings, your tears are your heart showing the world its pain. With a broken leg, the world gives you a cast…with a broken heart they don’t, but it still needs to heal. Don’t fear the tears, let your heart recover in its own way.
- When I didn’t feel that I had anyone to talk to, I started a journal and used to write my feelings down. I felt that I either had to talk or write…..I needed to release the pain.
- Is there a support group that you could go to for military widows ? That would be good as those people understand losing your husband in war.
- There is no logic to loss. I think when I came to terms with there was nothing that I could do to change his death…then I started to move forward. We cannot make sense of what has happened, we cannot bring them back….what I then did was concentrate on how I could honor his memory…it gave me something to focus on for the future rather than thinking about what had happened
I know the community here will help you. We understand your pain and are here for you…talk to us, share your feelings, we will see you through the pain
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My sister’s advice to me was: don’t be afraid to cry or to let yourself well up with tears. Those reactions (unexpected tearing) will sometimes catch you unawares; and that will probably even happen months or even years down the road.
We have all lost someone that we loved and focused upon. But we can help each other – other widows know the loss and are very supportive. Please consider this an e-hug from me to you.
Jesscia – I so remember my nana saying “Tears are your hearts way of bleeding. Let it bleed, let it hurt”
I never feared them again…..
I just lost my husband 3 weeks ago, we have spent 19 years together all in the Army. The trials I am facing are much more than I had ever expected. I watched my husband deploy 11 times worrying that he may not come home. But upon his return from Afghanistan in May of ‘08 he was diagnosed with stage 4 mastatic colon cancer, it was too late. I watched him die every day and I died with him, I am here today because we have 2 sons who need me. I spent my whole adult life with him and I feel so lost with out him, I am not sure how to start over. Does it get easier? I know it is soon for me but I feel so trapped and like i have no place that I belong now.
Widowhood is terrible, whether through military death, disease or accident. I think that people assume that having a happy marriage will carry you through the eventual death, but it is really still very hard, like any other loss. The best thing I could suggest is that the widows find a trusted friend or counselor who will listen to them. To process, they need to talk about the death and how they are feeling. When my mom was widowed, it took 4-years for her to “come back to normal”, and, of course, she still misses her husband.
I hope this helps readers!
Kim Carolan
Author of Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death