Living Between The Fear of Grief
April 8, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Positive Changes
As widows or widowers we can be caught between two contrasting fears
The fear of leaving the past behind
The fear of living the future.
We don’t want to move on, yet we want to cope with the pain. We miss our loved ones and cannot imagine loving again in the future. We cry for what we have lost, we cry for what the future holds.
But in reality the past is gone, the future is not here…all we have is now – the present. The fears belong to the past and the future, yet are affecting the present. What we need to do is use the fear…positively. Fear can act as motivation now to change our lives in the future. Fear can either cause us to freeze emotionally or it can be our adrenaline to change our mindset.
Fear is an intangible, irrational emotional state that can control us unless we learn to control it. We control it by understanding them and by facing our fears.
Lets face our fears – now – in the present, not 
hiding from either the past or the future.
Anna, you just seem to say the right thing at the right time. I have been thinking all afternoon about how I seem to be stuck and not able to move forward. Making decisions about the future seems to paralyze me. I get very confused and annoyed at myself for not knowing what I want out of life. I must face my fears and move toward the future. It seems like I take two steps forward and one step back. I guess that means I am coping but not quite as well as I would like. It is comforting to know that I am not alone and that others experience this fear in their grief. Once again, thanks, Anna.
I think that I have been unconsciously fueling those fears with negative self talk which has gotten worse since I had the recent rash of panic attacks. I can look that fear straight in the face but it still makes me sit down hard, immobilized.
It has occurred to me that since Don died 18 months ago that I talk out loud to myself, or in my head, rather constantly when I am alone. Since I have always been hard on, and demanding of, myself it tends to be a rather hopeless one sided conversation. When Don was alive he was the balancing force for that. If I said I didn’t like the way I did something he would start with the “Buts ” ” -But you did this instead which worked so well; you made someone very happy; you underestimate your talents and ability to get alone.”
I have to learn how to compensate for that positive loving voice in my ear. change is hard especially when it dredges up traits cultivated in your child hood.
Gosh it seems as though Spring is really effecting us all! I need to get this telephone conversation sorted so we can help each other….I am not even sure that I can put mine totally down to grief in a way…this is something empty inside me…no doubt brought out by grief but I have never found me, I have never found who I truly am….I have always been something…a friend, a partner, daughter etc …I need to find who is me