Reflections on Grief at Christmas
December 24, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief, Loneliness, Guilt & Depression, Pragmatic Issues
Just 23 minutes to go until Christmas day
A day when familys gather and smiles fill the air
Oh, 7 hours and 23 minutes until I wake
And realise once again, YOU my soulmate, are not there
But fear not world I will put on the paint
And sense your warmth from up above
Which will get me through the day, a day of loss
Through the one thing you gave me, they could not take away….
…Your love.
Happy Christmas, love you as much today as when you went away….
Anna,
Your grief is my own. What you write here is exactly how I am feeling. Christmas day will be the one month anniversary of when I lost my soulmate. I wish there was a timeframe and then I wish there wasn’t. I just don;t know how to handle this. I have never been alone on Christmas before.
I am lost.
Donna
It’s been just over 2 years since I lost my husband. He was more to me then I ever knew and I still am entrenched with deep grief.
To my kids and the people I see I put on a false face of life. In the quit, when I am alone, my heart still aches and my tears forever run.
Donna
Rest assured you are not on your own today. This site is dedicated to make sure no one is on their own, I like to think about it as our virtual living room, a place where we can grieve together and also help each other move through the grief cycle. Xmas is naturally a time to remember and let the tears flow if they want to come, knowing that this is a day when you need to look after your heart….it needs to remember. And this is just one day on our journey back to life, together we will make that journey
Anna
Deb – I know that sense of utter loss, that sense of being hollow and that life has been drained from you. I have posted today about belief and birth and hope that helps a little. I always go to the mirror and look at my face and say “Thank you for making me feel so bad, because it means I had the chance to love you which I wouldn’t have missed for the world” Sounds daft but makes me concentrate on what I have rather than what I lost if that makes sense?
Today is one when survival is the goal, I let tears flow, I let the love flow to the family. SOmetimes I just sit and try and feed off the love of those around me – “passive loving!” And yes, through their joy I find a little peace….
And also by commenting here, and seeing us all cope in our own ways
A x
Donna especially but all,
Only one month Donna. My loss is just over two months. To face New Year next! I look at my rings. So real, here, solid, bright and enduring and want to throw them at the wall because they mock me, yet they are real and so is what they mean. Hopefully they will become purely a testament to something I lived and always value beyond price rather than painfully precious.
To be so alone after so much. The loneliness of a crowd of people you love, but not the ONE is far harsher than you can believe. It is a shock.
The brave face I know. Wore it for nearly two years while he was ill and don’t know how to take it off properly. Wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone to see the real painful mess. It is a trap. Hopefully it will become real if we practice long and hard enough.
That this still happens and always will should be no real shock yet it is and it hurts to find someone who is newer to this than me. I wish I knew what to say to help but if that could be done it would have been written thousands of years ago and I’d have heard it twice as many times as you so far!
I read advice, I do research on grief and I try to express it in places like this but it builds and builds and there isn’t a way to let it all out and feel better. Yet that isn’t true. This does help. To know you aren’t alone in your pain and that your words have a meaning, true, real and someone knows the feelings you feel does help.
I guess we just have to keep doing the days, letting it pass and working to make sense of it.
Donna you are in my thoughts, an extra month isn’t much but it is slightly different. Not better. No less real or painful or easier or any of those things you wish it could be. If a month is different then so will next month be, again no less real…… but we have no choice, everything changes. Even grief, loss and pain. It will probably get worse at times if that’s possible.
I try to hang on to the fact he wanted me to be happy and whole. Would not forgive me if I gave up or didn’t try. I can fail but only if I have really tried.
Take care Donna, be nice to yourself. You are perfectly normal however you feel.
Debi x
This is my first Christmas alone as well. I went to my daughter’s home on the 23rd and have just come home now, the 26th. I had a very good Christmas as much as I could without my husband. It was wonderful to see my grandsons’ faces Christmas morning as they came downstairs to see what Santa brought. We had a lovely family time. My daughter didn’t want me to go today but I had to come home and face the house alone. It seems so empty and quiet here but this is my life. Like all of you I feel like half a person sometimes. For those of you who have recently lost your husbands, it does get easier. It’s only been six and a half months for me but I do feel stronger with the passage of time.
My wish for everyone here is that you find some peace and happiness in 2009. Remember that we are all here and that you are not alone.
Big hugs to all of you.
Leslie
I got through Christmas and it was as horrid as I feared it would be.
I went to my neighbor’s for dinner as I thought it would help. Being in a house full of people did not help – I know what you mean on this Debi. It made it so difficult to feel my grief when I was so worried about ruining their joy of Christmas.
And I just do not want to hear that he is in a better place and he has no pain, etc. This is the only better place for him to be, by my side as he has been for the last 22 years. And he had no illness, not even high blood pressure. Yes he died in peace, in his sleep, as we could all pray for ourselves BUT NOW YET!
Perhaps if I had family here, or children, or even close friends, it would make it somehow a little easier. I think that a hug would be welcome. We moved here to have peace and quiet but peace and quiet together.
Today as a little better. I immersed myself in work (I work at home) and it helped a little. Then darkness comes, and I am tired of working and the loneliness sets in again. And I cry again.
Leslie, I am glad you had a good Christmas with your family. 6-1/2 months is not a long time either. This is all so new for so many of us.
Knowing we are not alone helps.
I feel that all I do is whine and feel sorry for myself. Having a place where I can let it out is a good thing.
I read the other posts and they make me cry too but I think this is what we need to heal.
Thanks to all of you and maybe we can all have a happy new year.
Donna
Donna,
There is another web site I find helpful, youngwidows on yahoo. This site is more thoughts and expressing yourself but youngwidows is more of a communication network and it helps a great deal.
It explains a thought such as slow widows and quick widows, the difference between knowing what was going to happen and a complete shock. It helps you understand how unique but understood your pain is.
Wish I could give you that hug. I have a daughter and that makes a difference. Somedays I don’t want to do anything and have to , I can’t cry when I need because it hurts her and it is a big responsibility – but it helps. Family are actually to hard to deal with. Too close, not very tactful and suddenly controlling and over powering. What you think would help doesn’t always.
Take care Donna
So glad I stumbled onto this site… it helps. My husband of nearly 25 yrs. died suddenly of a heart attack almost 7 months ago, and I miss him so. I too try to keep my grief at bay when with others, feeling guilty about ruining someone elses mood. It’s just an added pressure that I can’t handle most of the time. Obviously everyone else quickly goes back to their lives because while I know my husband is missed by others, some greatly, their lives in most ways continue as before… mine is completely changed… everything is different. And I feel so incredibly alone. I’ve experienced all the emotions and symptoms… what a rollercoaster ride this has been. And impossible to explain adequately so that someone who has never lost a soulmate could ever understand. I wish I too could give you all hugs… I’m truly so sorry for your pain, because I know it all too well.
Time, Deep Breaths, A lot of tears, and baby steps.
The good news is that you are coping with all this for the first and last time, the first anniversary of all events are the worst. The bad news is that the second time around still hurts……you just are more ready for the emotion that you feel.
I know I say this many times, but even when you don’t feel like seeing anyone…try and at least go for a walk….just that feeling of the air, and getting your heart pumping does help, I promise!
You are so right, Anna. Some days it is hard but getting out and going for a walk, for instance, does me the world of good. Hope you had a lovely, peaceful Christmas.
Love,
Leslie
I understand keeping my grief at bay as others are going on with their lives. I didn’t even go to church last week as it is the holidays and I didn’t want to make people deal with my sadness. I will this week. I work at home and there are good and bad things about this. I have no reason to go outside and the loneliness is overwhelming. I went to Walmart today, even though I HATE Walmart just to get out.
My sister has convinced me to join a health club. I need this for myself I guess but I know I need to be with other people.
Maybe if I family here it would be different but everyone is far away. The need for a hug is overwhelming.
I know that this is the hardest time as it is all the firsts for me and maybe having them all at once will help me to heal better, or at least to learn how to deal better. After New Years I have my Anniversay on Feb 14th.
I know myself and I don’t see myself getting over this but I am smart enough to know that I need to see people in the outside world.
Not sure if this made any sense or not.
I am grateful that I have found this group. Bless you all! Donna
Hello to all widows at this time of festivity.
I’ve been widowed for a year now – and these festive times are very painful.
I’ve coped by having a sense of gratitude – I’m very mindful of the fact that if I hadn’t loved my husband so much I wouldn’t be suffering now.
Like the song says – it’s better to have loved and lost than not loved at all.
After a year’s grief, I’m now wondering what to do with the rest of my life. At 60+ I don’t want another man -and I’m retired – so how do I fill my remaining years? Any suggestions?
Hello everyone and especially to Donna, I too stay at home, being a homemaker all these years, which now makes life especially difficult not having a work routine that gets me out of the house and with other people. I have always loved my home life, but without my husband there seems little or no reason to do all the things that once made up my life here. By the same token the thought of finding a job is very scary at this point in my life… but is also very necessary and I don’t know where to even begin. More pressure to face head on, things that are unfamiliar and troubling to me. I try to take things one day at a time and pray a lot, which I know is sometimes all that gets me through. It’s so hard when nothing you do feels right, everything is a challenge, and no one can really seem to understand just where you’re coming from. Hugs to each of you. Susan
Hi Christine,
Here goes, age should be no barrier only ability and safety. There are teenagers who can’t do what some 80 year olds do. Remember not to restrict yourself. The biggest restraints in our life are imposed by us, no one else.
What are your interests? Did you ever have an ambition, something daft like learning to ride a motorbike, walking up Kilimanjaro, seeing gorillas in the wild, training animals?
Suddenly there are less things to worry about, less fears, the worst has happened so why not take a risk?
Animal training, why not offer to help a rehoming centre to retrain dogs for their new lives? No responsibility for the animal in the long run but an achievement at the end and good company along the way.
Did you ever want to learn how to take that photograph the way you want it to look, how to use the camera to get the image you see in your mind and be able to keep it?
Did you ever want to travel, to learn a new language or to help socially disadvantaged kids to work out where their lives can really go?
The charity that helped my husband and I are are small and short of funds so I am planning fund raising events to help them and hopefully give someone else the chance we never had.
Simple things, do you have family, children, make them a memory scrap book each of copied photos with stories and memories you treasure. Individual and totally unique for them to find when you have gone. Take as long as you want to make them, do it as a life story and leave them the advice you wish you could have had yourself. Include the things they do that you love and value as you travel thru the rest of your life.
The world is full of people who are lost. Not all of them want another close relationship, just a good friend to do things with. Join loads classes or local groups and just see what sticks.
Write a list over a long time and then sit and put it in order. draw it up into two lists. The ones you really want to do in order and then the ease you can do them. Put them together and work out which you can do easily you want to do most and make a start.
If you do the memory book why not revisit places than have meaning, take the photos of the things that make you smile, write your memories and bring it up to date, make a time capsule of you for people to keep. Remember that you have meaning to other people and you can leave them something very special, keep your husband right there with you in their memory how you want him to be.
I’d like to think I can do some of these as time goes by. I’m trying to get the paperwork, my funeral plan and all the things I found so hard to sort out all filed and ready in case I leave unexpectedly. At 43 that might be wishful thinking but then my husband was only 43 when he died. It is never too soon to ease the burden you leave behind and then you really can relax and know you have looked after those you love and tackle all those challenges.
I try to work on the principle that times goes quicker if your busy and can enjoy it. That way I get back to Gary as quick as I can without time dragging and make him proud in the process. Not always easy, especially not today when I have to admit I just want to sob because I just miss him. Not what he did for me, not what jobs he did around here just pure him, his smile, the sparkle in his eye and that look of love. So if I sound so positive don’t be fooled. It’s just my way of finding a way forward and it might work for you.
Wishing you a gentle and loving New Year.
Debi x
Susan,
I try to break things down into little pieces. Trying to tackle it all is too big. You get from a to b one step at a time. Nothing is right anymore because it has all changed so don’t beat yourself up for that. If you managed it all perfectly it still would not be right.
Being a home maker is a job, the hardest to do and because the risk you take in ending up here. The worst has happened. From now on you have to do for yourself what he would have wanted to do for you and know that that is OK.
Don’t pressure yourself too much and don’t use inexperience to tell yourself your not capable. Your only stupid if you don’t learn from your mistakes, how many times does a baby fall over learning to walk? This hurts a damn site more than landing on you bum! So do for yourself what you would do for a child learning to walk. Cry, sooth and encourage yourself. See how far you can get, you might get a few steps, realize and fall over again. So what? You were worth his love so you are worth your patience.
Like yourself and find the things in you he loved. They are all still there and just as beautiful despite the heartache, probably more so.
I hope you New Year brings you confidence and peace.
Love Debi x