Gosh even writing about it brings a lump to my throat. I idolised Dad and it still hurts that I could not stop that happening to him.

Anyway, (Anna pulls herself together!) I recorded an audio with Alvaro Fernandez about how to maintain a healthy brain, what it takes to help the brain remain strong. You can listen to The Engaging Brand podcast here.

If we are to get through grief we need to help our brain, I hope this helps you.

Post from: Widows Quest

1. “Simultaneous brain scanning revealed that the pain of being socially rejected was processed in much the same way in the brain as physical pain.” 
2. “Physical pain warns us not to do something, walk on a broken ankle for instance. And emotional pain too can be a warning – “don’t go near that sort of man again”, “avoid women like her”.But sometimes physical pain can become chronic, long outlasting its original purpose, and emotional pain is the same.”
3. But can we die from a broken heart? 

   Martin Cowie is professor of cardiology at the Brompton Hospital. He is very sure of the answer: “Yes, we can.”There is an increased risk of dying in the six months after bereavement and it’s particularly marked amongst men.”

People who haven’t suffered grief, struggle to understand the complexities of the feelings. They also don’t understand how bereavement is not a matter of hours, days  or weeks…it is part of you for life.

You see at Widows Quest what we all need to realise is that if we don’t help each other,  listen to each other and learn to live through the grief then we are putting ourselves in danger.

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

Why I wonder is I can see why it is important to say all the words above

• People get tired of us talking about our grief.
• Depression is contagious and people try to avoid someone who is draining their energy.
• To help ourselves - the more we talk about feeling better the more we trick our brain into feeling better.

But the worry for me, is that if we learn to live, hiding our true emotion then do we learn to shut down our emotion and do we learn not to listen to our own grief? Can that be dangerous? This is where I believe support groups for widows and widowers can be so helpful, as it is a safe environment to be truthful to ourselves.

In reality, I think having the “two faces” during our mourning is necessary but I don’t think we should ever start fooling ourselves at the same time.

What are your thoughts? 

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

So I volunteered to help my best friend in her garden. Gosh it was hard work and after hours of weeding, digging, mowing, and clearing I felt great…why? Well, it is amazing how physical work gets the right positive chemicals flowing through your brain.

I have never really liked gardening and I think it helps it was not something we would have done together…it didn’t bring back old painful memories, it created new memories of laughing as my friend and I realised we were getting older as our backs started to ache!

I also think there is a lot to say for getting closer to nature, nature is wonderfully peaceful, nature has that cycle of birth and death, nature has a beauty that can only make you smile.

So my task now is to see if it was gardening that made me smile, or whether it was the company of a good friend…..I hope that in my garden I can find some solace from the grieving.

{iStockphoto}

Post from: Widows Quest

That made me think. The heart is a muscle, it aches when it is tired, it aches when it needs rest time. When we are grieving we are putting so much stress on our most important muscle. We do need to listen to it so that it can have some recovery time. I was also thinking how maybe we could allow a little warm up each day to help the muscle cope with the stress.

I am going to do a heart warm up each day. I am going to wake to some gentle music, then change it to a singalong song and allow myself to sing badly! I will also stand in front of the mirror and smile whilst telling myself of how well I am coping…

A little heart warm up may help the aching…what do you think? Am I mad? Or what heart warm ups can you think of for the start of the day?

Post from: Widows Quest

1. When you are grieving you shut down your emotions to protect yourself. Maybe what I am feeling is the “numbness” associated with my heart still not being ready to emotionally join the world as yet.
2. It is OK! My body, my heart has been through shock and an immense amount of pain. I am not ‘weird’, I am completely normal!
3. It takes time to rejoin the world. When I think how far I have come, I have come a   long way….there is still a long journey ahead but again that is fine. Time will heal, time will bring socialising skills back.
4. Maybe I will never be the same. After all, a huge emotional event has happened. My carefree days are maybe over, as I now have been shaped by bereavement, by pain. That does not mean I can’t be happy, it just means that once my brain computes all the emotions, my outlook may have slightly altered.

Do you have any thoughts that may help us all?

Post from: Widows Quest

• Get help. Don’t be ashamed of needing medication, and don’t give up until you find something that helps.  

• Identify your feelings and moods. Depression is a self-destructive effort to avoid feeling. Accept that emotions are natural and helpful. Learn that mood changes don’t come “out of the blue” — they are always started by an event, a memory, a dream. Use the Mood Journal to identify what starts your mood changes.
• Challenge depressed thinking. People with depression remember and blame themselves for bad events, while they forget about and give others credit for good events. Their low expectations mean they often don’t prepare adequately and give up too easily. Worst, they think they are essentially different — damaged somehow — from other people. These are all learned habits of thought that can be unlearned. Pay attention to your assumptions and beliefs.
• Let others know. Depressives fear intimacy more than most people. We put on masks for the world, because we believe our true selves to be shameful, unworthy. But this belief is wrong. When we’re with someone we can trust, sharing our thoughts and feelings — even if they seem unimportant — is good for us.
• Take care of your self. Learn to pay attention to messages from your body. Depressives abuse themselves by not eating right, not exercising, then expecting to work 12 hours straight. They will deny a minor ache or pain until they have an ulcer or a chronic back condition. Take time for moderate exercise, eat healthy but delicious meals, and allow yourself some pleasure in life.
• Practice detachment. We spend far too much time and effort trying to control things that aren’t worth the struggle. Many things that worry us are really unimportant; we’ve just gotten overinvolved and lost our bearings. We may find that we’re trying to change things that we realistically cannot change. Instead of battering your head against a brick wall, learn to walk away.

Post from: Widows Quest

 

I think we can be too tough on ourselves, we expect to cope from Day 1 and when you think about it – how realistic is that? Falling occasionally whilst walking by yourself again may leave a few bruises but you learned to walk when you were young and you will learn to walk again….when you do, be ready to smile and congratulate yourself on your success.

Post from: Widows Quest

I am feeling much more confident about going out, happier that I have taken control of my weight gain and supported through a fantastic community of people who comment regularly.

Losing weight does not take pain away, does not stop the loneliness however it do  es help me feel that I can regain a level of happiness. He would be so proud of me too!

Post from: Widows Quest

Over the weekend he talked about reality – here is a snippet

“you and I are always creating our own reality. The way we see things depends not only on our physical makeup but also on the psychological filters we look through. One of the most powerful filters, that directly affects how we see the world, is our self-esteem. Yes, it seems like the term has been overworked of late, but warranted self-esteem is still an important part of our psychological make up.

Low self-esteem creates a world in which the glass is always half empty, life is dangerous, and people are not to be trusted. High self-esteem lets us see the glass as half full and people as allies and friends. In fact, no other single quality can affect your experience of life like self-esteem can.

Fortunately, high self-esteem can be learned and there are many resources out there to help you. I know you can do it.”

I think that is so true and we need to concentrate on developing our positive thinking to ensure we come through the grief process.

Post from: Widows Quest