I was speaking to someone on the bus today and she asked if there was a reason for my broken heart….

I was shocked and said “How do you know that?”

She smiled and said “You are staring, looking lost and fiddling with your ring…a true sign of a broken heart?”

Made me think of other ways people can tell you are bereaved, some I have to say a little tongue in cheek…

1. We hate filling forms out, as we don’t want to tick our marital status.
2. We keep looking at our watches IF we ever go to a social gathering, trying to sense when it is OK to run back home!
3. We stare into space a lot, and don’t always realize that someone is speaking to us!
4. We can never again watch Lassie without being inconsolable!
5. We don’t fit our clothes either because grief leaves us not wanting to eat, or grief means that we cannot stop eating…either way our clothes look wrong….

What would you add?

 I wrote a post called Finding Your Strengths for a New Life and received a heart tugging comment from a recent widow here is a snippet

“I really do miss my dearest husband and I instantly start to cry when I look at our pictures. This has not been happening lately, but today I feel down and am in need of finding someone to talk to. My mother is around, but she seems to become worse if I open up for her.
So I really don’t know what to do….”

I know we all know that feeling, I know that none of us can take away the pain but I do know that there is a wonderful community who will want to reach out and help - any advice you can give please leave a comment.

My thoughts are

• You are going through the grief cycle. Your feelings, your tears are your heart showing the world its pain. With a broken leg, the world gives you a cast…with a broken heart they don’t, but it still needs to heal. Don’t fear the tears, let your heart recover in its own way.
•  When I didn’t feel that I had anyone to talk to, I started a journal and used to write my feelings down. I felt that I either had to talk or write…..I needed to release the pain.
• Is there a support group that you could go to for military widows ? That would be good as those people understand losing your husband in war.
• There is no logic to loss. I think when I came to terms with there was nothing that I could do to change his death…then I started to move forward. We cannot make sense of what has happened, we cannot bring them back….what I then did was concentrate on how I could honor his memory…it gave me something to focus on for the future rather than thinking about what had happened

I know the community here will help you. We understand your pain and are here for you…talk to us, share your feelings, we will see you through the pain

{iStockphoto}

I received a wonderful email from one of the Widows Quest readers who has written this poem about her grief - she would love to turn it into a song so she is starting to learn the piano to put it to music. I love sharing our thoughts so if you have something you want to share then email me at anna@b5media.com.

For Michael

My baby died last Thursday.

I don’t know what to do

My heart is lost and lonely

It doesn’t have a clue.

Oh, where are you baby?

Are you missing me, too?

Are you lost inside my dreams now

With my memories and blues?

I look for you on corners.

I see you everywhere

I see you in the birds now

Sailing in the air.

When I look into the sunset

Beyond the trees, and clouds, and sky

I see your face shining brightly

But I’m still asking why.

Why did you have to leave me

With my broken heart?

I don’t know what to do now.

I don’t know where to start.

Mary McNally

March 2007

know there are many of you that would share my thanks to Mary for sending these words to us all and how the words express the sense of loss that we all feel during our bereavement. Thanks Mary x

Broken hearts are fragile, they have scars just like the cracks in a broken vase. When that vase breaks you can put it back together, you can glue the pieces…there will always be a thin crack that is visible to the world. However, that vase can still be beautiful, can still be precious. You learn to turn the vase so that people don’t see the break.

Broken hearts are just the same. There will always be the memory, however you can put your heart back together, through the glue of family, friends and a little self belief. A broken heart doesn’t mean that you can never love again, it just means that you need to learn to live with that breaking heart. To learn over time to move that crack from the front of your mind to the back of your mind - it is still there, just managed.

Broken hearts are an outcome of grief, of loving and losing…..they are a sign of something very special that has happened in our lives….this blog is hopefully part of that glue that will mend that break

 {photo from istockphoto}

Tonight I am going to my mum’s and then tomorrow we are setting off to visit my aunt who lives at the opposite end of the country. Both mum and my aunt have lost their husbands, and both are trying to rebuild their lives.

Despite my 41 years of age, I am still the ‘baby’ of the family and love the fact that by creating time   in my life to spend time with others….actually brings joy to them. When we are feeling down it is easy to forget how we do create happiness in the lives of others……a joy of family is that I can bring some much needed love, in doing that it brings a smile that lights up my life too.

We may feel lost, but we should never lose sight of our ability to bring value to the lives of others…

When change happens in your life, when you are faced with grief, faced with depression, faced with loneliness…remember this line from the book, “The Psychology of Romantic Love,” Nathaniel Brandon wrote, “The first affair we must consummate successfully is the love affair with ourselves. Only then are we ready for other love relationships.”

The author Nathaniel Brandon was right - we need to be able to love ourselves, we need to be able to accept our flaws and enjoy our strengths. We can often feel alone, worthless but we are not either of those two things..we have value to bring to the world and our “humanness” is something that we should enjoy not fear.

In accepting ourselves, we make ourselves more “attractive” to other people. To find happiness again, we need to ensure that we enjoy hanging out with ourselves(!), we need to be comfortable to ensure other people are comfortable in our presence….other people’s company may not seem important at the moment, but that friendship will help you heal the pain and make you smile again.

I have been working hard, sometime I think to avoid feeling. I haven’t had a full day off for 21 months. It hasn’t bothered me, because by working I have kept my mind busy. But just recently I have been feeling so low on energy, not depressed more than usua, but feeling as though someone has pinched one of my two batteries!

My friend came round today, she looked at me and said “You need a holiday” She is right, sometimes you have to just allow your body to recover, allow your batteries to recharge. Do I fear stopping work will let my mind wonder to the pain….of course, but sometimes you have to feel that pain, sometimes you just have to realise that your body needs YOU to look after it - after all it looks after you 365 days a year. Don’t worry I will continue to blog…

I will continue to hope

I will continue to love

I will continue to believe

I will continue to hurt  

I will continue to survive

I will continue to be the person he fell in love with….

It has been raining today and as I look out of the window I can see a beautiful rainbow. It made me think….

The rain is like our grief. Our tears flow and flow, our outlook feels dark with no sign of relief.

The rainbow is like our journey. It is a bridge to the future. The grief has caused us to change, it has brought out different emotions, different experiences that has caused us to grow as a human being, just like the array of colours in the sky.

The pot of gold is like our hope. We hope that with time we will find a new happiness, a new life. In reality   our life is new now because it has already has changed. We start to cope with our grief when we realise there is no magic formula, there is no pot of gold….there is an arc of pain that we need to go through to find the sunshine again.

Rainbows are a sign that there has been rain…but they are also a sign that the worst is over. Maybe we should all put a picture of a rainbow in our homes, to remind ourselves that happiness is on it’s way….

Based on the feedback from previous posts I think we all struggle with self-worth. Our grief has affected the way we look at ourselves, our confidence has drained away. Well, let’s try and help each other!

Let us think of 3 things that we value about ourselves and maybe pass this post on to friends who can add what they value about you. I will ask Krishna De and  Sempre what they value about themselves and how this blog brings value to them?

I find it hard to think about my value but I would say

1. I love to look after my family and ensure that they know they are loved.  
2. Each day I try and make at least one person feel better, by making them smile.
3. I have a high degree of integrity and honesty. I pride myself on my values and living by them.