• Stillness – you are so numb that you cannot move without really thinking about it.
• Constant movement – this is when you have to plan the funeral and you are almost in a state of constant movement.
• Laying down - when all the calls have stopped and you are on your own, you just lie there and cry.
• Curled up – as the grief strikes you just cannot face the world, you lie like a baby seeking that love that you miss so much.
• Huddled up like an old lady. This is when you are dragged out and about by people who want you to rejoin life. You don’t want to, you do it because you think you should or to please them. You can’t stand up straight as you feel naked to the world – naked to all the emotion and often pity.
• Stand up tall – this is when you have learned to cope a little better, you know that you can never change what has happened and are starting to face the world again.
• Dancing – you have made it…through the grief and back to happiness!

I wonder whether our conversation strikes a chord with any widows or widowers out there!

Post from: Widows Quest

It started last night, I don’t know why but depression fell over my body. I realised it was coming and yet I just couldn’t motivate myself to stop it from happening.

Depression – that feeling that there is nothing to hold on to, that feeling of being alone, that feeling that you are tired of fighting the feeling…just grabs hold. The worst part is that there is no one there to hold you, to hold you tight and tell you that they believe in you.

I tend to be one of those friends who people tell their problems to, which means that I understand how they are feeling and don’t want to burden them with my feelings. After all the last thing I want to hear is that “You are just having a bad day”, “It will all be OK tomorrow” etc

I am also a person who wants to cope, a person who wants to show the world that I can cope…no matter the financial worries or the feeling of emptiness.

So what can I do? Well the first thing is to write it down – blogging is a great way to accept the feeling. The second is to allow myself to feel that way, most days I fight it, most days I put on the brave face….my heart and brain is just saying “Look I need to recharge”

The final thing for me is to break the silence in the house. I am naturally a bit of a hermit! So even if i feel like getting into my grief bunker, I realise I must keep the human voice present. I put on the radio, I listen to podcasts, I watch the TV…trying to watch the more uplifting items rather than ones which will depress me more.

You know, as widows and widowers we are brave little beings…some days though we need to allow our hearts to be fragile as it doesn’t show weakeness it shows humanity….

Post from: Widows Quest

I see your photo as I get into our empty bed

Just when I think I am coping with the pain

I shout out your name not remembering your dead

Just when I think I cannot cope

You leave a comment that gives me hope

Just when I think I will not heal

I realise rolling emotions are just part of the deal

Post from: Widows Quest

“I should be able to cope, it has been 5 years. This is silly, why am I crying and why do I feel that I cannot cope?”

Gosh we have all been there. I said to mum, far from being “silly” it was absolutely normal. I encourage her to see this as her heart taking a few hours to remember Dad. The rest of the year, it copes without the everyday interaction with Dad’s heart. It has learned to cope with the pain, it has learned to heal the wound of grief. The least we can do, is allow it to have a day when it can cry, when it can remember the love and remember the loss. That doesn’t mean to say that it is breaking forever, it doesn’t mean to say that it is weak….far from it, it means that it is a living heart that has not lost the capacity to love.If you are struggling from an anniversary of a death, or even a break up of a long term relationship, remember there is nothing wrong in letting those tears flow, there is nothing wrong in feeling the pain. Then once you have allowed your heart to grieve, find those way that will brighten that heart again to cope with the next year. The mixing with family, friends and also the setting of little targets for it to aim for…Our hearts sometimes need us to be supportive and strong for it…..too 

[istockphoto] 

Post from: Widows Quest

I was reading on the This is Swansea website about “a nursing student was devastated by the loss of her husband in a road crash.Showing remarkable courage and fortitude, she overcame her grief and completed her degree course.”

29 year old Joanne Thomas story is described by her personal tutor “Joanne had only been married for two years but this tragedy made her more determined to complete her studies, in memory of her husband.

“She proved this by showing great determination and tremendous courage to stay and successfully complete her studies with her original cohort.”

The completion of this nursing course will not bring back her husband but it will help her rebuild her confidence and show her that whatever life throws at her….she can cope. Just like you! 

Post from: Widows Quest

Then there are the people who lose their loved one when they are younger, they get comments like “There are many more fish in the sea” or “you are still young”…as if that helps heal that sense of devastating loss.

Age for me is not a factor in grief  – I remember my Nana losing her husband when she was in her 80’s and she was devastated. OK she realised that it was a natural part of the life cycle but she missed him. She sat there saying that she just wanted to go to sleep and be with him, she had never spent a night apart except during the war and she didn’t want to now. Nana is now 98 and although she is well, there is something missing. Her life has less meaning. She loves us all, however our love is not the one she wants…Age does not lesson the grief.

Grief is hard for all widows and widowers…it is not about age, it is about love and it is about loss. The only difference is that when people are older there is a greater expectation of the power of nature….Nana will die, I know that but do you know I will miss her more than words can say….she has been at the core of who I am for all my life.

Post from: Widows Quest

“I think fear doesn’t exist when you become excited about life and possibilities.”

Mary…thank you for helping me. I think you are right

1. We all feel the fear because our life has changed. It is adjusting to that change that is the process of grief.
2. We are so busy thinking so much about the effect of death that we forget about life. Because death is so final, I think we can start fearing our own mortality and instead of living each moment…..we cope with each moment.

To turn the fear around I need to think about life, rather than death. I need to think about living not just breathing. I need to think about possibilities rather than problems.

{iStockphoto}

Post from: Widows Quest