Widows Quest » coping-with-death

Why Do I Associate Grief, Loneliness with Failure

Anna Farmery — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 14:45:57 +0000

Failure is an emotive word and one thing that has been difficult to overcome – that feeling that I have failed in some way. Grief left me thinking that no matter what I did then I would fail, that it would be better to shy away from life then to go out and fail again.

It is strange as I don’t see losing your loved one as failure, however I think it shakes your self confidence. I think you start to doubt everything around you….when you step back that is the wrong thing to do.

Success is having loved and been loved
Success is coping with the reality of death and the sense of loss.
Success is not hiding from the feelings but trying to work through them

Some days I feel that no matter what I do, I will fail. But do you know, if I never try anything then although I will never fail…..I will never succeed or create enjoyment in my life.

Maybe success is seeing that you are human, that doubting yourself, doubting your faith, doubting that happiness can come again. Success is being human with normal human emotions.

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Post from: Widows Quest

When you need to get away….

Anna Farmery — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 18:28:49 +0000

I have been working hard, sometime I think to avoid feeling. I haven’t had a full day off for 21 months. It hasn’t bothered me, because by working I have kept my mind busy. But just recently I have been feeling so low on energy, not depressed more than usua, but feeling as though someone has pinched one of my two batteries!

My friend came round today, she looked at me and said “You need a holiday” She is right, sometimes you have to just allow your body to recover, allow your batteries to recharge. Do I fear stopping work will let my mind wonder to the pain….of course, but sometimes you have to feel that pain, sometimes you just have to realise that your body needs YOU to look after it – after all it looks after you 365 days a year. Don’t worry I will continue to blog…

Post from: Widows Quest

Rhys Jones – A death that makes no sense

Anna Farmery — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 16:15:44 +0000

We often struggle during our grief to find sense in the loss of a loved one – we can find no reason for our s.bereavement, our hurt. With this in mind, I wonder how I would cope with the loss of my 11 year old child, Rhys Jones. A child that by all accounts was such a happy child who just loved playing football, a boy returning from practice and who got shot in the head by a passing teenager. Why? No one will ever know – it seemed just a random killing. Maybe senseless would be a better word.

My thought go to the family, I am never sure that you can recover from a loss like this, but you can learn to live again in time.

Post from: Widows Quest

Belief is what we need

Anna Farmery — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 19:46:29 +0000

To overcome the period of mourning, to overcome the hurt we need a great deal of inner belief.

B= Believe in your ability to cope with the pain and come through even stronger.

E= Expect to be happy again.

L=Learn to love again. Trust that the benefit of love is greater than the pain of loss.

I=Inspire your inner beliefs by setting goals for your future…inspirational goals that you can work towards.

E= Emotions. Understand your emotions, don’t fight them. Learn how to control them and what ma kes you happy.

F= Face your problems – they will not go away, face them to face your fears.

Post from: Widows Quest

How to Solve Money Worries Blog Carnival

Anna Farmery — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 19:12:19 +0000

Welcome to the July 20, 2007 edition of how to solve money worries.

ChristianPF presents How to make more money with your emergency fund posted at Money in the Bible | Christian Personal Finance Blog, saying, “A quick how-to showing you how to use an emergency fund to save more money and increase it’s growth rate.”

Millionaire Mommy Next Door presents Create Your Treasure Map To Riches posted at Millionaire Mommy Next Door, saying, “Visualizing what wealth means to you shapes the way your mind thinks about money and your life. Your mind then sets in motion the actions necessary to begin achieving your goals. By taking the time to establish what real wealth looks like to you, you direct your efforts in ways that will make becoming rich, in your own terms, simple.Are you ready to embark on a fun and rewarding journey towards your own riches? Great! We’ll start with an exercise that is really fun. In fact your entire family will enjoy this one.”

Aaron Wakling presents Don?t Allow A Low Credit Score To Cost You Thousands Per Year posted at The Credit & Credit Card Blog saying, “Did you know that a low credit score could be costing you hundreds and even thousands of dollars per year, and perhaps even more? What’s more, were you aware that there is something you can do about that?”

Eric Hudin presents Estate – Don?t Be Left Holding The Bag posted at My Estate Planning Career Blog, saying, “Ned almost lost the farm that had been in his family for 8 generations! Make sure you dont make the same mistake Ned did.”

Allen Taylor presents What Are Your Wealth-Building Goals? posted at Investing World Today, saying, “The money is out there. No matter how many people tell you that we are in the midst of a starvation economy, that the market is doing this or that, and that it’s too risky to play the game, so to speak, people are getting rich every day. That is the reality.”

Tim Ramsey presents Debt Consolidation Loan To Deliver You From Debt posted at My Debt Relief Blog, saying, “High amount of debt needs a drastic solution and a debt consolidation loan is the best solution that can unburden your load of debt.”

Warren Wong presents The Life Pursuit Of Money posted at Personal Development for INTJs, saying, “Why should making money be a life pursuit? Because making money actually helps people! Here’s why.”

Eric Stanley presents Need a Money Making Idea? posted at Personal Finance Blog Articles, saying, “There are so many money making ideas you can choose from online that anyone, no matter what skill level, can find something.”

Mark Kimsey presents Always Make More Than The Minimum Repayment On Your Credit Card posted at PrsnlFinance.com.

Colin Robertson presents Watch Out for Multiple Balance Transfer Fees posted at The Truth About Credit Cards.com, saying, “thanks!”

Ryan presents 101 Ways to Trim Your Budget posted at Care on Credit.

Ant presents How to Start an Online Store posted at The Beef Jerky Blog.

KCLau presents Money Lessons from Tranformers movie posted at KCLau’s Money Tips, saying, “Transformers is an entertaining movie. It also teaches us about personal finance.”

Warren Wong presents Just Do It posted at Personal Development for INTJs, saying, “Are you pondering over a task? Are you not sure if you should do it? Here’s why you should just do it!”

John Wesley presents 78 Timeless Wealth Building Tips from Benjamin Franklin posted at Pick the Brain – Wit and Wisdom for Your Inspiration.

Mark Kimsey presents How Getting Your Credit Report Can Help You posted at PrsnlFinance.com.

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Post from: Widows Quest

Finding Love Again

Anna Farmery — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 08:46:52 +0000

I got a comment about how to meet new people. I think the first thing I would say is that just like something that you have lost and are looking for – if you search too hard then you cannot find it! For me, it is about putting yourself back in a social circle, enjoying the company and looking for friendship that may grow in the future. Some ideas that I have are

Join a local interest club – walking, pottery, heritage, music
Take a course – learning a language, computer skills, cookery – whatever you would like to learn.
Hold a themed party or barbecue and ask friends, family
Join on line groups that are for widows, widowers, bearevement
Join a bereavement support club
Start a sport – my mum at 76 took up crown green bowls!
Join a volunteer group – bonus of helping others whilst meeting new people
Arrange a holiday – one that is for singles with similar interests – I went on a walking holiday

The key is about being out there, learning to be YOU again, learning to enjoy life again without feeling guilty. I am a believer in givers gain – when you meet someone ask how you can help them, ask questions about them – people love to talk about themselves.

Anyone else got any ideas?

Post from: Widows Quest

Life is about change

Anna Farmery — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 17:47:22 +0000

In a comment to the post Links from Tiffany there is a comment that I wanted to share

“I think widowership is temporary event. find a next partner and crash the bad memories. and enjoy with new partner or partners. life is all ways need a change”

I agree that life is about change, I have not found it as easy to move on and yet I find this comment almost refreshing. We all need to move from pain to the future, we all move from concentrating on the past to living in the future. We all move at a different pace. I wish that I could move quickly in some ways however then I realise that as much as that is something I will do, for now I still have pain to allow to heal. I still have a love that burns deep inside that does not want to fade for the moment. We are all different, in the end we hopefully find a new love….that is the next chapter of our life.

Post from: Widows Quest

Loving Yourself

Anna Farmery — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 11:01:12 +0000

When you have loved someone so much – to the point it almost hurts, you can so easily start to rely on that other person for love. One thing that I now know is that loving yourself is just as important because when you lose your husband, partner, wife etc you need to rely on that love to bring you through the depression.

I don’t mean that you love yourself to the point of arrogance, I mean love yourself for who you are, for all your strengths and foibles! That way there is still love in your life. That there is a love that can see you through your pain.

Post from: Widows Quest

3 things I talk to myself about each day

Anna Farmery — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 10:56:21 +0000

The way we talk to ourselves is so important. Our self talk can so easily spiral us into depression. I “try” not to use words like can’t, won’t, if only, but, never etc Those words convince you that there is little hope and in reality hope is what we need, what we can hold on to, what gives us energy to face each day. So here are 3 things that I say – either out loud or in my head – each day

I am proud of how I am coping and how I have handled the pain.
I am glad that I have had the opportunity to love someone.
I know that I will find happiness again and that I will deserve it when it comes.

How do you talk about yourself, how do you manage your sub conscious?

Post from: Widows Quest

How to thank about changes in your life

Anna Farmery — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 10:48:27 +0000

I was reminded of The Alcoholic’s Anonymous “serenity” prayer :

Change what you can, accept what you can’t, and cultivate the wisdom to know the difference.

I think this is as relevant to people who have lost a loved one. In grief you can spiral into depression because you want to change what has happened – or at least I did. In reality, you cannot change the fact that someone has died. What you can do is work on how you learn to cope.

Post from: Widows Quest