• Guilt maybe about not being the perfect wife or husband
• Guilt of moving forward
• Guilt of not coping

But we must let go of the guilt because

1. There is nothing we can do about the past. No matter how much we regret or relive the moments we cannot change what has happened.
2. Moving forward is not about forgetting the past, it is about accepting the past and thinking towards the future. By not moving forward we won’t bring them back, and remember punishing ourselves will only keep the hurt.
3. Grief is a huge emotion, we will learn to cope but that will come with time. We all learn to cope at different rates and whether you are a fast or slower learner…then both are OK.

Guilt can fester at our soul, and the only positive way of dealing with it is to think about what you want to change for the future so that you won’t have any regrets again.

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1. How death makes you value life
2. How you are tired during the day and can’t sleep at night
3. How you miss those irritating habits somehow the most
4. How loneliness happens most in crowds
5. How you are strong when people expect you to be weak, and how you are weak when people expect you to be strong
6. How you cry even with no tears

I am sure I have missed some out, as most days I think widows and widowers struggle with two conflicting thoughts, with emotional rollercoaster feelings and swaying between coping and crumbling…. 

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The Grieving Smile

“How are you today?” Oh fine, I say and the smile appears,

The smile that reassures those people that care about me,

That I am coping – despite the grief.

Those lips that used to touch his,

Now curl upwards to to display the grieving smile

A smile that hides the pain, hides the desire to be alone

Alone with the memories that I crave to be still alive.

Yet, the more I smile the grieving smile

The more I even start to believe myself.

The grieving smile is now reassuring even me, that I am coping

That smile is now giving me the strength

To know that one day that smile will not be forced

And instead, express the love I feel for life, once again.

That is the power of the grieving smile.

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That made me think. The heart is a muscle, it aches when it is tired, it aches when it needs rest time. When we are grieving we are putting so much stress on our most important muscle. We do need to listen to it so that it can have some recovery time. I was also thinking how maybe we could allow a little warm up each day to help the muscle cope with the stress.

I am going to do a heart warm up each day. I am going to wake to some gentle music, then change it to a singalong song and allow myself to sing badly! I will also stand in front of the mirror and smile whilst telling myself of how well I am coping…

A little heart warm up may help the aching…what do you think? Am I mad? Or what heart warm ups can you think of for the start of the day?

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G = Grief is something that needs work, we need to understand that although time helps…it is only when we use that time to cope with our feelings that we start to come through it.

R = Remember death happens to us all during our life. We are not unique, we are normal.

I = I now realise that the way through grief is not by looking back but by looking forward. You will never lose the memories but remember the future has new ones that can be as special.

E = Every person is different and each person copes in a different way. It is about finding the way that works for you. If that is going out, great! If that is becoming a little insular, great! The key is then working through and returning to your normal self over time.

F= Feelings are natural. Feelings are what makes us human. Do not fear feelings as they are special. Learn to cope with feelings rather than suppress them.  

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1. If I am thinking about something and my mind won’t stop thinking then I keep a notebook by my bed and write down the thought. This way I know that I won’t forget about it and I tell myself that there is nothing I can do tonight about it.
2. I look at my notes in the morning and think of one action that I can take that will help me resolve the problem. It might be an easy problem or a tougher one like I feel I have no reason in my life. For the latter, I think of what do I want to do with my life and how I could do it….maybe visiting an old neighbour to brighten their day.
3. I rarely toss and turn. For me I have to get up and do something, something that will tire me. I may read a book or tidy a cupboard. As soon as I start doing something I can feel the tiredness.
4. I try and keep to a routine before bed so that I train my body that this is the time I am going to sleep.
5. I have a hot bath and hot drink to relax my mind and body.
6. I talk to myself that a worry is not a fact. I take the worry about not sleeping and turn it into facts…..For instance I think about how my body needs the sleep, my body is helping me cope and the one thing I can give it in return is the recharging nature of sleep.
7. I believe the best defense against depression is exercise. I exercise each day..be it walking or going to the gym. This also tires the body so that it wants to sleep.
8. I love music so I play relaxing music as I get ready for bed and put it on a timer to turn off about 15 minutes after I get ready to sleep.
9. I play a game in my head like doubling a number. For instance – 1,2,4,8,16 etc You find it really difficult quite quickly and it stops your mind thinking of problems.
10. I sleep with a pillow by my side so I don’t feel as alone.

I am not sure if  this will help you and of course as normal if any of you have tips   that will help the community then please leave them in the comments. Otherwise, sleep tight…tonight!

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F = Families may change in who is present but family remain a loving bond to ease the pain.

A = Allow yourself to talk about them, relive memories so that they are part of the day.

M= Mend bridges – often when a death happens and people cope with the grief differently, quarrels can occur…if they have with you, use this time of year to mend those fences before it is too late.

I = Involve yourself. Try not to sit on the outside. Maybe offer to create some games, cook the meal..whatever your strength is, so that you are involved at the centre of the activities. That way you will have a focus, a meaning for the day…

L =Live these moments to the full, they are special times as they create those memories that live forever…don’t waste the chance to bring joy to others. After all we know how quickly these times can be taken away from us!

Y =You shall remember this old Anna adage! You are allowed to laugh and enjoy people’s company….don’t feel guilty for living….

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P = Protect it. Protect it through strengthening it via exercise….even a gentle walk.

U = Understand it needs some time to cope with the bereavement, let it talk….talking allows it to diffuse the emotion.

M = Motivate it by giving it hope for the future. Allow it to dream again of happiness. It needs to believe in the future…..the future will ring new challenges, new inspiration….new ways of happiness.

P = Promise yourself that you cherish it. Your heart allows you to live and love. You may have lost the love of your life but your heart is still capable of loving others….future partners and also friends and family. Promise yourself that you will never lose that ability.

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Yesterday, I was so proud of her. She has been going to a local bowls club for a while, but only when no one else was there…as she felt uncomfortable, she missed Dad by her side. But yesterday, she played for the team. OK I don’t think she will be entering the Olympics soon, but how she played was not the point. She had pushed herself to socialise, she had pushed herself to do something without Dad by her side….she said that she felt sick before she left home, but she went.  

Grief can be disabling, grief can strip you of every piece of self belief….well, if a 77 year old can find the strength than there is hope for us all!

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Life is a journey from birth to death, along the ways there will be clear, wonderful scenery and also the occasional  traffic problem that can cause frustration and heartache.

Death is a guarantee, grief will happen during our lives….we may desire a beautiful journey from our cradle to grave but realistically that will not happen – just like you will not go through life without a those traffic jams.

I think a key part to the bereavement process is being realistic about life and living,  it is not realistic that we will never feel pain…it is realistic to know that it will happen, it will hurt but life will go on and we will cope.  

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