From the loss of Nana I have learned

• The importance of family.
• The importance of dignity and respect and how when you are with someone dying. it isn’t about your feelings – it is about what you can offer them
• That you can never take anything or anyone for granted…even for a day.
• That Nana was right….be true to yourself. Be empathetic for others, look out for others, be respectful of others but never lose your true self
• That no matter what you do, no matter how close you are….you will never feel you have done enough. However, doing your best and telling people how you feel will lesson the regrets.

What did you learn? Do you see grief as just too painful to learn from…or can you take something concrete to enhance your and your friends/family’s life afterwards?

Post from: Widows Quest

Based on this rate, here is an estimate of the incidence of death among people now living in the world:

• 1.78 deaths per second
• 107 deaths per minute
• 6,390 deaths per hour
• 153,000 deaths per day
• 56.0 million deaths per year
• 3.9 billion deaths per average lifetime (70 years)

Death may feel extraordinary but in fact it is literally happen as I write this…..

That made me think that although death may be ordinary, there are aspects of grief which are extraordinary

• The love that we feel
• The depth of our strength to cope with loss
• The way it changes your outlook in life
• The way that widows and widowers cope so differently with their loss – there really is no one way of handing grief.

And of course, the extraordinary way that YOU have helped me throughout this time xx

Post from: Widows Quest

“I felt that although he was the one who was sick I was the one who was dying”

I know that this sentence will hit straight at the heart of each of  you. I know it does to me. As humans we live off the life of others, we live for others, we feed off the love of others. When our loved ones are taken that source of life is taken from us.

It is easy therefore to think that we can not live on, that somehow we have died as well. I know that I have thought that way. However, we must realise that in truth we are our own beings, that we breath the air through our own independence. A part of our heart may have died but we are very much still alive.

The difficult bit is finding a new source of inspiration, a new source of love and friendship to help us fulfil that need that humans have…..and the only way we can do that is

1. To allow time for our heart to heal the wounds of loss.
2. Then to start to rejoin life as a source of finding that new inspiration
3. Acknowledge that this will be hard, it will be against what our minds will want to do. But at this point we must override that urge to isolate and force ourselves back to…well, normality.
4. In taking these first few steps, know that it will be painful, lonely and uncomfortable but in time it will become easier
5. To know that living again is not about forgetting but about feeding our soul. Guilt can overcome you, but I know that if I could speak to Nana for instance, she would want me to live past her death and to live a life which she could be proud of…

Death may numb part of our heart which has loved intensely but hearts recover in time. Death may part us from our loved ones, but it can never take that love away. Death may challenge your beliefs but that is a good thing…..without that challenge we could take for granted this wonderful world and not enjoy the little things in life which make this world so special.

Post from: Widows Quest

“Life is a series of memories, life is about creating those memories”

I then asked so what is death all about

“No one knows but for those left behind it is about cherishing those memories”

She told me the best way to live life was to think about each day and put into your memory box (thoughts) the precious moments which you want to keep. That way on bad days you have a store of happiness to recharge the batteries.

I always loved this idea that life is a series of memories, and if when you are grieving it can be a wonderful way to think about your loss. After all we may not have their wisdom, or their presence but we do have their love and we have their wisdom through memories.

Grief is natural but lets never let that cloud the joy of having them in our lives.

Post from: Widows Quest

Gosh tonight feels…well numb. Physical and mental exhaustion has hit, there was me thinking sleep deprivation hadn’t affected me then …pow! Amazing isn’t it how our bodies just keep going through pure adrenaline.

Numb also because there is this huge void – my best friend for life is no longer here. You all know the feeling so well. Numb because I almost don’t want to feel the pain – as I know how much that hurts.

Numb as well as because for 11 days and nights Nana was my focus….so what can you focus on now? If you try and think then those final few images come into your head, if you don’t focus then you just sit and drift without purpose. Again I know you all understand….

I have her handkerchief which she held in hospital, I will hold that when I need to feel her love…and as always when we all lose people….we will never forget, love is an unbreakable bond which survives the toughest tests.

We may lose their bodies but we never lose their souls or their love. They live through our thoughts and actions which they helped shape through their time on earth.

Sleep well Kate, you were a special, special person. I was proud to know you, proud to call you my Nana and you and your spirit will stay in my heart forever…nighty, night

Post from: Widows Quest

Waiting to die or

Waiting to live?

I always assumed death was the most fearful, after all once it happens who truly knows. That fear of the unknown I am sure has brought Nana back from the edge at least twice this week.

But then you look at the life of a widow or widower after bereavement. That lack of acceptance means that we don’t move on, living is as fearful to the survivor as often death can be to the dying.

In both situations the fear is based on the unknown – though I accept with faith this may not be true. But as I sit here now I realise that as long as it remains unknown…the fear will be there….if we take one step at a time to remove the unknown, well then the fear will eventually be engulfed through confidence and enjoyment

The question we need to ask is

‘Do we really want people to see us as waiting to live then waiting to die…or dying to live!’

Post from: Widows Quest

When you love someone, it is not just about loving them whilst you are together, it is also about loving them enough to let them go. I have sat now 11 hrs short of a week at this bedside..even sleeping here….and what I have learned is that love is not about holding on in grief, love is about letting go in grief.

I have said to Nana so many times when she has been at the brink, don’t be scared….don’t be frightened…it will be OK, however we don’t say that to ourselves do we?

Love is about 2 people and you are one of them…whilst grieving we should maybe talk to ourselves and say don’t be scared, don’t be frightened…because just in the same way, love will guide us to a better place.

Post from: Widows Quest

I had tears last night when I said to her “Its OK Nana, go to sleep…there is nothing to be afraid of Bronco (that is my nickname for my grandad) is waiting for you.”  The tears were recognition that I had to let her go, I had to help her through this final frontier…I had to help her face her fear. She had stayed with me during these last few days to help me face my fear…of living without her.

I am sat wondering what it must feel like to literally face death, that is when I wish that I did have faith. It is not that I don’t, it is just that I am not totally sure.

Death as a child was something I just didn’t understand, it was something that scared me….then because of suffering grief and seeing people die, I am not sure that it scares me. I think there comes a time when it must feel the time…and that comforts me because in the past I have always thought you must be scared.

I also wonder whether I can learn from that idea when it comes to widows….whether there comes a time when acceptance is a better alternative, a less frightening alternative to living in that pain. Maybe even now Nana is leading me through understanding grief….understanding that fear and living don’t go together, that holding on to the past is no way to live into the future.

Post from: Widows Quest

Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow.

Let reality be reality”

Lao-tse Chinese Philosopher

For the next few posts I want to pick out some quotes which I have written down from the book I by Jim Clemmer, I told you about in Coping with Change in Our Life.

This quote stood out because it made me think how in a sense – bear with me on this! – it is not the death which creates our grief but our resistance to accepting what has happened. It is our resistance to letting go, to accepting they won’t come back, to learning to live solo once again…that creates that sense of loneliness and often depression.

Yet that resistance is only creating sorrow…it is not making anything better, it is not bringing them back, it is merely creating even more pain. We have already felt the pain of loss, then we go and add to it by resisting that change has happened.

I make is sound so easy…just stop resisting and everything will be fine!…and I know that it is not easy. However, acceptance is such a huge part of our new life, acceptance is the only antidote to resistance.

Maybe we should write down all the things which we are resisting and plan a way of accepting them? What do you resist the most?

Post from: Widows Quest

• How we put pressure on ourselves by thinking about the expectations of others
• How our reality is not something fully defined…it is built from perception, so if we change our perception, we change our reality!

I think that you may find some tips that will help you with your grief. Death is the ultimate change…and I for one know that we need all the help we can get!

To listen to the show just click here and it will take you to The Engaging Brand blog post….you can listen to it there on the site. I hope that it helps in just a small way.

Post from: Widows Quest