Gosh tonight feels…well numb. Physical and mental exhaustion has hit, there was me thinking sleep deprivation hadn’t affected me then …pow! Amazing isn’t it how our bodies just keep going through pure adrenaline.

Numb also because there is this huge void – my best friend for life is no longer here. You all know the feeling so well. Numb because I almost don’t want to feel the pain – as I know how much that hurts.

Numb as well as because for 11 days and nights Nana was my focus….so what can you focus on now? If you try and think then those final few images come into your head, if you don’t focus then you just sit and drift without purpose. Again I know you all understand….

I have her handkerchief which she held in hospital, I will hold that when I need to feel her love…and as always when we all lose people….we will never forget, love is an unbreakable bond which survives the toughest tests.

We may lose their bodies but we never lose their souls or their love. They live through our thoughts and actions which they helped shape through their time on earth.

Sleep well Kate, you were a special, special person. I was proud to know you, proud to call you my Nana and you and your spirit will stay in my heart forever…nighty, night

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I remember after about 3 months getting so mad that he wasn’t replying or coming through to the lounge when I needed some help to move the television! I had no idea that he had died, to me at that moment he was alive and even annoying (!) as he was ignoring my shouts….

I wonder why these events happen but then I suppose it is down to

• The fact you have shared your life with this special person and in that sense your hearts have almost morphed into one then their presence or your relationship with them has been as much on the sub conscious level as conscious. As it is sub conscious then it will take time for your mind to accept the physical, conscious reality?
• Habit - sounds boring but when you live with someone habits form, your life becomes habitual. Again those habits have to be replaced with new customs.
• Our desire that they are alive, or our denial that they have died is also strong. We hide away from the pain. We don’t want to believe we will never see them again…so we bring them back into our lives, for that moments respite from the pain.

When it first happened I was scared, I had to ask a friend to come round to stay. Now though, I understand that I am not going mad, that there is nothing to fear….it is just natural emotion which can occur during grief.

For me I handle it by putting on that old jumper and getting some photos out….having a few tears while talking to him. He always understands and makes me smile…..I can always hear him say…”you don’t even give me time to rest even when I have died….”

Do you have any other thoughts on why it happens?

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The worst part was that her body was never found, I remember taking the call to say that they couldn’t say she had died – as no body – just that she was not alive.

A memorial has opened today and it is a fitting tribute to these wonderful people who had done nothing wrong other than going about their ordinary lives. Prince Charles said today

“The creation of a monument or memorial fulfils … a deeper need, for each one offers a path to peace and healing, each one honours the dead and each reminds us to live our lives in a way that would make them proud.”

Events can be so cruel, I suppose that is life. The years go by and we all remember those people with the same love that we shared when they were so vibrantly alive.

Today is hard for all of us, but through it all I know that I am so glad that I had her in my life.

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“Pain makes me realise my heart is still alive, it is still feeling….pain means that the love is still alive.”

So often during bereavement you can feel numb, you can feel, well actually not feel anything. It was my Nana who taught me something about heartache. She said “Heartache takes away the numbness. Heartache means that your heart is alive and still capable of loving. Heartache means that your love has not died with their death. Heartache should be embraced over the years as it is a positive sign that your love endures, and your heart is learning to love again”

At the time I thought this was daft! But now I think I believe in this idea. Now as the pain increases I smile as I don’t feel the hurt, I try and feel the love. I am not sure if this will help – but always remember we are all here for you.

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Once thing I realised about human nature is that on the first phone call I was very shocked and on each phone call thereafter the shock lessoned. Now please don’t read that as though I don’t care about the later deaths…that is far from the truth, I feel numb, so numb…..but somehow my heart locked itself away from further shock and pain. Somehow death had become a common part of my week, it was no longer something that I wasn’t expecting….it was almost expected.

What I found strange is that we all expect to die, we all expect those around us to die….even though we don’t admit it to ourselves.It sure does make you think about making time in your diary – 4 of the people I lost I was visiting in the next week or so….now I wish I had made those plans earlier. SO here is my lesson for the week

Pain comes when expectation becomes reality, pain lessons when the reality becomes expected!

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“While there, we visited one of our family friends…Lucy. Lucy is amazing – 93, immaculately dressed, lives 6 months a year by herself in a caravan on the cliffs at Whitby, and never, ever stops smiling. She loves life and is living proof that a positive mind set keeps you young, and prolongs your life.

They say a positive attitude can add 7 years to your life – well, I am now going to call it the Lucy effect.

After just 10 minutes with Lucy I felt invigorated and felt happier. Wow, now that is a powerful gift you can give someone….imagine the power if Lucy was a leader. No matter what the issue – she is deaf, losing her beloved husband and has a pacemaker – she overcomes it because she is grateful of being alive every minute on this earth. Imagine, no matter what worries you have at work, feeling grateful for the chance to change the world, even in a small way. If you think about it you have this chance everyday you work, everyday you live…..spread the Lucy Effect and make this world a better place!”

Lucy – sleep well, thank you for bringing such sunshine to this world. Say Hi to Dad for me and just know we will miss you, but we will be eternally grateful for having you in our lives. x

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It came to me the other day:

Were I to die, no one would say,

‘Oh, what a shame! So young, so full

Of promise – depths unplumbable!

Instead, a shrug and tearless eyes

Will greet my overdue demise;

The wide response will be, I know,

‘I thought he died a while ago.’

For life’s a shabby subterfuge,

And death is real, and dark, and huge.

The shock of it will register

Nowhere but where it will occur.

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If only I had told you more often that I loved you

If only I had been more patient

If only I had done something, anything to prevent you becoming ill

If only I had worked less and been with you more

…If only as I sit here today I had less ‘if only’s’

Today I know that ‘if only’s’ won’t bring you back

And I believe that you knew how much I loved you

I know that the past is gone, never to be changed

So now I must let go and stop the ‘if only’

Otherwise I will grow older and forever lonely

The past is gone and the future can be

As strong as the past….it is all down to me.

So goodbye to the ‘if only’ and hello to ‘what if’

And look at the changes within my control

Not ones that have passed which are forever gone

Yes, my life is bereft of the person I love

But I know you will guide me from the heavens above

So goodbye to yesterday yet not the memories

And hello to today and that feeling of hope….

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•  Saying he wanted to go, asking us to let him go. Giving us hope that death released him from pain.
• Though unconscious, smiling when we touched him- he knew the difference between family and nurses.
• Asking us for our commitment to look after mum – it was like passing on his role, giving us something to hang on to and live up to…..

You know, with Dad he died quickly of dementia- within 80 days of diagnosis. The doctors were surprised by his rapid decline – even held a post mortam, I wasn’t though…Dad was a very poud man who loved my mum so much. He wanted to go quickly, he didn’t want my mum to suffer or be a burden to anyone. His early death, I believe was truly his final act of love.I hated losing him, though mum said that we had lost him much earlier than when he took that final breath and she was right. I have a tear thinking of him now, Dad if you can access the internet from your resting place…I love you, I miss you every day of my life xxx 

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“I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming that comes when you finish the life of the emotions and of personal relations; and suddenly find – at the age of fifty, say – that a whole new life has opened before you, filled with things you can think about, study, or read about…It is as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you.”

When we lose our spouse especially later in life, we can draw the conclusion that there is nothing left for us. Interestingly, my mum who was 78 this week has more hobbies and interests now, then when Dad was alive. She misses him hugely, she still grieves however, she has found a new life. She is inspiration for all of us that there is a new life out there…..as she describes it…..

“My life was your Dad, my life was being a great partner. It took me time to realise that no matter how much I pray that he will come back…he won’t. So I realised that I had to stop living as a widow and living my lifeas me. Do I miss him, each second but do I enjoy all the new experiences…yes. Life is for the living, when that comes to an end I will be with him again”

I know what she means, part of me has died….yet there is a part of me that was suppressed which I can now release. That feels guilty to say, I don’t want you to think that in anyway that lessons the grief, it just gives me hope for enjoying life in the future…..I suppose you could say, it is truly a Widows Quest!

Remember to help me to honor Dad’s memory by sending in your stories, dedications to your loved ones. You can email them to me at anna@b5media.com by 10 August

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Post from: Widows Quest