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The Power of the Voice

Anna Farmery — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 22:08:44 +0000

We talk each day and yet have you thought about how we take the human voice for granted?

When someone dies, you miss their voice….you still have their love….yet one thing I miss the most is their voice.

I know when I was Nana last month, because she had a stroke she could no longer speak…she could see, she could occassionally squeeze our hands…but she couldn’t convey how she felt. I wanted to know whether she was scared, I wanted to know whether she knew how loved she was…and yet she had lost the power of her voice. And in that silence lay the most incredible pain, my most incredible heartache.

I was thinking about that today and how much we undervalue the voice when we are surrounded by our loved ones…but when they pass away, you suddenly value the power of their voice.

I want the loved ones to find a way of speaking to me, I want to speak to them. I want to check if they are OK, I want a way of still communicating.

How do I cope….well, I continue to have the conversation anyway, in the hope that one day I will hear their voice somehow and they will answer……Grief can be lonely, not just because they are missing from our lives but because you are surrounded by voices – just not the one you REALLY want to hear

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Learning the Lessons from Grief

Anna Farmery — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:41:51 +0000

When your loved one dies, I think that it is a huge learning experience. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is painful. However, I think that one positive that we can take from death is to enhance our life and the lives of others by learning from the pain of grief.

From the loss of Nana I have learned

The importance of family.
The importance of dignity and respect and how when you are with someone dying. it isn’t about your feelings – it is about what you can offer them
That you can never take anything or anyone for granted…even for a day.
That Nana was right….be true to yourself. Be empathetic for others, look out for others, be respectful of others but never lose your true self
That no matter what you do, no matter how close you are….you will never feel you have done enough. However, doing your best and telling people how you feel will lesson the regrets.

What did you learn? Do you see grief as just too painful to learn from…or can you take something concrete to enhance your and your friends/family’s life afterwards?

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The Loss of Icons

Anna Farmery — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 14:49:23 +0000

This week saw the world lose Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, two people who were very prominent entertainers during my teenage years. Whenever someone famous dies I always have mixed emotions

The sense of loss of their genius – the sense that we will miss their brilliance and of course just the utmost feelings for their family.
Confusion how the world can focus on the death of one person, when each day people lose people their love and face death without the sympathy or empathy of the world.

Death is such a private feeling and yet when someone famous dies..the grief is forced to be so public. I have no idea how families cope with the world looking at them….but then I wonder whether it may help them? When I suffered my loss I wanted to talk about how great they were….maybe, just maybe the world grieving and talking may help your loss? What do you think?

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Death – Is it the greatest loss?

Anna Farmery — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:50:18 +0000

Widows Quest is wonderful for how people share stories and also thoughts on death and coping with grief. Cindy left a comment to the post Love is Immortal and I thought I would share a quote that she left on the blog

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.”

by Norman Cousins

…I would add that maybe the greatest loss is when we allow what dies inside, to define who we are in the future. Something may die, but remember the body and mind may live…

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Learning to Rely On Yourself

Anna Farmery — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 10:33:24 +0000

Self confidence has always been an issue for me, I know that I miss someone by the side of me saying “Come on girl, you can do it!”. I have always felt a little inadequate, not really worthy of the things around me – not even at times of the love we shared. However in grief you have to find a way of connecting with that inner strength, of connecting with the positive YOU!

When someone dies your partner in life has gone, the dividing of chores disappears – suddenly you have to face it all, on your own.

However, I have been stunned at how I have coped, of how my mother has coped, of how those widows and widowers around me have coped. Human beings are incredibly resilient – you can and will cope.

I suppose my lesson is because inside all of us is that ability to cope, trust to rely on yourself, trust in your values, in your abilities, in your future. For when we do, we will be amazed at how we stand up to be counted and learn to deal with all the problems we face…

This post was inspired by speaking to Roz Savage who has rowed the Atlantic and now is trying to become the first woman to row the Pacific Ocean would you believe – when faced with challenges she faced the fear and used it as motivation to spend the rest of her life following her passion. You can hear the interview here in two parts

Face the Fear Part 1

Face the Fear Part 2

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Fear death …then fear life!

Anna Farmery — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 22:26:25 +0000

When I was younger I used to fear death, the fear was based on not being able to imagine what it would be like…now since suffering the grief, I almost think that I fear life now more than death ? When you lose someone, some part of you dies and therefore you face or almost feel what death looks like – the unimaginable becomes suddenly real. The irony is that life becomes almost difficult to imagine and because of that fear can take hold.

After saying that I have suffered from fear much of my life and if I have learned one it is to embrace fear. Fear means that you are living, fear creates the excitement in your life if you befriend it rather than hate it.

In 2009 I believe we should all resolve to face our fear, to use that fear to live again.

[istockphoto]

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Looking Forward to Time Away with Mum

Anna Farmery — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 10:12:27 +0000

Since losing Dad, Mum and I have grown even closer. We have always been close, always had a special connection but since Dad died, that has become more than a mum – daughter link, more of a best friend feel.

I am having a few days away with her…we are going to the place where Mum and Dad last holidayed together. Mum can’t wait to show me where Dad was so happy. I cannot wait for 2 reasons

Just spending quality time together. I live away and when I go home, we end up in the car , in the garden, at the shops…as I try and help her in her life.
Creating some wonderful memories that I can look back on forever

It is funny how when someone dies, how it focuses the mind on the love of those around you. I know that I don’t take the relationships for granted like I did, I invest much more time as I never want those regrets again….

[iStockphoto]

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How do we remember our loved ones?

Anna Farmery — Wed, 21 May 2008 11:42:34 +0000

I was speaking to someone this week who was unsure about whether to buy a gravestone. It made me think about how we remember people. My friend’s issue was that a gravestone seemed cold, seemed bleak and I can understand her feelings.

I actually chose to plant a tree and flowers as for me, this was more about celebrating the life. Almost as one life dies, another begins

What are your thoughts? Do you favour more of a memorial, or do you like the tradition of the gravestone?

{istockphoto}

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Grief Can Be in Life as well as Death

Anna Farmery — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:22:17 +0000

I got an email about divorce and the feeling of grief which I wanted to share although I will keep the man’s name private for obvious reasons.

“I love your blog and yet I am male and not a widower. You may find that strange but last year my wonderful wife of 23 years walked out on me for another man. I was shell shocked as I did not see it coming. My point is that grief is felt by people like me as well as widows and widowers. In fact, I would say the grief is harder….

When you wrote the other day that your heart had fulfilled its destiny…you are right. But at least when someone dies, you have not been rejected. You have been left, but the pain is tough as the person you love is still alive. The grief is there…the pain is there….the relationship is dead but the person is still there to love. I wondered whether the readers had any thoughts on how I cope?”

Wow, powerful. Divorce is a change, it is a relationship that is over. Grieving for the loss of your partner does not necessarily mean death. Let’s try and reach out and help this guy…any ideas?

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