In Mum’s kitchen there is a photo of Dad when he was a toddler, I picked it up and couldn’t believe it when it was the same facial expression, same posture in a photo that Dad took of me many years ago. The photo showed me two things

1) How incredible that a camera can look at someone and ensure that for years ahead people can see what the camera saw all these years ago. Photo’s capture a time, photo’s even capture emotion in a subtle way which help bring that person alive.

2) I was also struck by how people live on…..It could have been me on that photo. I thought about how similar Dad and I were, it made sense to me that this desire inside of me to keep his spirit and values alive was not only a desire….but also what I was meant to do, what I was born to do….

Photo’s can cause tears, they cause smiles, they stir emotion. But for me when you have that special photo, then some part of that person remains alive.

Post from: Widows Quest

It is strange, grief feels uncontrollable and yet if we let grief control us, then we can potentially rot inside our soul.

I believe that we need to allow the grief to flow….but that is us allowing ourselves so we are in control!….then we need to find the strength to turn the grief into positive change. If we let go emotionally and let grief take hold then we change for the worse. My hope is that

Bereavement is harsh, death is cold but if we learn about ourselves during that time then we can come out of the tunnel of grieving a better person. We can come out understanding love, understanding ourselves, understanding humanity, understanding the need to empathize…but most of all…

We learn to be grateful for all the things we have, rather than down about the material things that we don’t have and often don’t need.

Grief can eat from inside, but there is two things that act as an anitbiotic to it….a smile and a hug

Post from: Widows Quest

I told it because of the widow who wrote to me not knowing how to cope with her loss. I hoped to help her….and yet, in a way I think I helped my own grief. That story has been buried deep in my soul, I had hidden it not from the world but in many ways from me. Yes, it was me that suffered that pain but I almost saw her as a separate person…not actually me – if that makes sense?

Writing that post, has helped me surface those emotions and accept that it WAS me and that those feelings had been real. I write this to say, you know sometimes we keep emotions hidden so deep within our soul, that we become afraid of letting them  out. But you know, sometimes letting them out is part of the healing process rather than causing any more pain.

That is true for me and may be true for you. Don’t let the grief fester…let the grief out, let your soul cleanse, let your heart heal.

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

At first I fought the feeling now I  have decided to listen to my body…if it wants to sleep then I am going to give it sleep. I think one thing we need to do is to learn that our body has a wonderful way of talking to us, of telling us when it needs to recover. Yet, I feel guilty at sleeping like a baby, of sleeping when I should be doing things…

I realise that guilt is such a powerful emotion in the journey through the grief cycle…..guilt at now   loving them more, guilt at what I could have done differently, guilt at smiling, now guilt at even sleeping….do you think there comes a time when your body says …”Enough guilt?“

Post from: Widows Quest

I so wish that I had received a sign that he is OK. The only emotion that I ever had was returning to the house on the night he died. I was driving and when I pulled into the house, I started to shiver. I felt a fear that was overpowering. It was like a bad ghost was inside the house, I couldn’t go in. I stood there and phoned my best friend, asked her to come round. She arrived within 30 minutes. She held my hand and took me into the house. I asked her to sleep in the same room, I just couldn’t bare to be alone.

The ghostly feeling had gone the next morning. I think that is why I have always been so desperate for a comforting sign, one that feels as though he is looking over me. Maybe one day….for now I will wear his old jumper around the house and let the woolen arms hold me tight….

{iStockphoto}

Post from: Widows Quest

One thing that I have had to learn is that when those feelings hit you  – and almost surprise you  – then you need to reach out for help. It is not a weakness it is a sign of strength that you know that you need help.

I phoned a friend who could not solve my issues or my worries but what they could do is make me feel needed…what they could do was move my thoughts from depressed to thinking about good things that will happen in the future.

I also went through many of my own posts would you believe and they gave me hope that the future would be brighter, that the future could be what I want to make it.  

When money is tight….always remember friendship is one thing you don’t need money for, friendship is priceless yet it costs nothing to give ..or as with me this weekend, receive. I am blessed with the friends that I have and know that no matter what we will get through the dark days and the great days together…

Post from: Widows Quest

• It is there because we felt the true meaning of love. Would I have given up the chance to feel love…No. Pain is a sign that I have loved. I am lucky.
• Pain can help us understand more about the world and more about ourselves. Without pain would we learn to be compassionate?
• Pain is not a punishment, I like to think of it as a reminder of what has been so great in my life.
• Pain means that we are alive, that we are feeling, that we are human. If I didn’t feel pain…I would not be capable of all the happy emotions.

We may not like the feeling of our heart aching, of our pain from grief but I know that I would rather that than being void of all emotions.

Post from: Widows Quest

G = Grief is something that needs work, we need to understand that although time helps…it is only when we use that time to cope with our feelings that we start to come through it.

R = Remember death happens to us all during our life. We are not unique, we are normal.

I = I now realise that the way through grief is not by looking back but by looking forward. You will never lose the memories but remember the future has new ones that can be as special.

E = Every person is different and each person copes in a different way. It is about finding the way that works for you. If that is going out, great! If that is becoming a little insular, great! The key is then working through and returning to your normal self over time.

F= Feelings are natural. Feelings are what makes us human. Do not fear feelings as they are special. Learn to cope with feelings rather than suppress them.  

Post from: Widows Quest

25% self support

20% partner support

55% support from outside the home

This is important. Often when a crisis hits us, we try and cope by ourself. This is not the best support. When you lose a loved one, you lose 20% of your support system and that needs to be relaced. This 20% needs to be shared between yourself and support from outside home through groups, friends, family. Of course, your emotional survivial needs your commitment to your health but don’t ignore the friends of others to get through the loss.

Post from: Widows Quest