I sat down and had a wonderfully hot coffee and smiled. As widows or widowers we would never have gone out in todays weather in summer clothes, we know that we need to protect our body. We wouldn’t feel guilty about protecting ourselves from the natural storms…so why do we feel less of a person when we struggle through the storms of grief? Why do we think we don’t need any help to weather the storms?

I was left thinking

1. Our bodies face natural storms of all kinds….practical, emotional, natural storms……and for all storms we need to find and value that protection. The protection does not make us a lessor person, it shows we are intelligent and shows our desire to survive all the odds…so never feel guilty to ask for help (Just think of it being your emotive storm coat)
2. When you walk through that storm and reach that safe haven…it is a wonderful feeling. A feeling of achievement, not letting nature win. You appreciate the warmth of that safe haven more than ever…and yes, we can all look forward to reaching our safe haven of enjoying life again over the next few weeks and months.

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E = Emotional strength. Can you understand and learn to live with the new emotions that flow through your body?

X = Cross to bear – how do you cope with being a widow/widower? How do you cope with ticking that box on a form, how do you cope with the pain of lost love?The ultimate test of personal strength and courage.

A = Ability to bounce back from tragedy.What do they say….it is not what happens to you in this world, it is how you react?

M = Maintaining a positive outlook on this wonderful life despite the pain of grief and the feeling of loss and loneliness.

What got me through those exams as a youngster was understanding it needed hard work to pass them, it needed resilience and a self belief…..grief is like that too, no short cuts…just hard work and finding that self belief to believe that you will succeed.

[iStockphoto]

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G =Give yourself an emotional break! You are human, you make mistakes…unfortunately our imperfection causes us pain however in our imperfection lies our “humanness”

U = Understand that if the guilt is over someone who has died, there is little practical things we can do. Concentrate not on what went wrong in the past but how that can turn into the right thing for the future – which is in your hands.

I = Idolise them not! We can punish ourselves for our imperfection whilst seeing our loved ones as perfect. Somehow death make us remember the good, not the frailties in their personality. I found that once I didn’t feel guilty remembering the true person – the one who had good and bad traits….then I could understand how my guilt occurred. You loved them because they weren’t perfect!

L = Love is not perfect. Love is about accepting each other for the good and the bad. A missed word, a silly argument before death does not take away our love…it shows our love as it overcomes those mistakes.

T = Try to write down one thing that you could do through learning from the guilt. So if you had a silly argument then resolve to never go to bed before resolving any problems in the future….if you hadn’t said you loved them recently, then tell people around you what value you bring to their lives.

[image by istockphoto]

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1. I concentrated on seeing this as speaking on his behalf, this was not about me or my nerves this   was about speaking on behalf of my loved one. This gave me the strength to do it…I wanted to”do him proud”
2. I wrote the speech straight from the heart, I thought about what he would want me to say and wrote it as if we were speaking about it. I didn’t over edit it, I just let the words flow.
3. I printed it out in VERY BIG PRINT...sounds silly but if you have tears in your eyes, or your hands start to shake…then it is easier to read.
4. When I first stood up…I focused on a friend who I knew would smile and comfort me…I almost spoke the words to her…
5. I understood that this was emotional and that each person listening would know how hard it was for me to speak….I didn’t fear getting emotional and actually that ensured that I kept myself together. There is something in knowing that you can, that stops you from breaking down.
6. I had asked my cousin to take over if I did fail – therefore I had a back up plan just in case.
7. Speak slowly …and take 3-4 large breaths before you stand up.
8. Don’t make the speech too long….and also celebrate the life as well as acknowledging the loss.
9. I practised speaking out loud many times the night before…that way I almost knew it by heart and knew that I would not stutter.
10. I spoke early at the funeral, this allowed me to concentrate on delivering a worthy speech and then allowed me to become emotional and grieve during the rest of the time.

I hope these help you if you are faced with speaking at a funeral. Key is knowing that for once in your life, each person in the audience is on your side, empathetic, expect you to be emotional…

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If you are the same it is important that we do keep ourselves from hiding away from the world. It may seem an easy option, it may seem that we want to…but isolating ourselves only leads to depression in my experience. So if you like me are fighting that feeling of loneliness and heartache then join in my goals for the month.

• To arrange to go and see a friend once a week.
• To keep the curtains open for as long as possible on a night.
• To go to the gym so that I am seeing and mixing with people.

We could not choose the bereavement but we can choose our emotional state..it is up to us to manage our emotions and to ensure that we do everything in our power to reduce the loneliness.

Post from: Widows Quest