I think learning to love again, or learning to see that loving again is acceptable as a widow or widower after suffering a tragedy is the hardest thing. I remember a quote from Iris Murdoch who said

“We can only learn to love, by loving”

As widows or widowers we could change that to 

“We can only learn to love again, by loving again”

Grief is the end of one chapter of your life. It is not the end of loving. After all death has brought an end to the partnership but it has brought an end to t he love we feel - that love is causing our grief. That shows that we can still love, that grief shows that our heart still ha s the capacity. As hard as it seems, one day our heart will open up to the risk of loving again….it was born to love.

{iStockphoto}

I came across this quote from Mark Steven Johnson

“Everything you do in life, every choice you make, has a consequence. When you do things without thinkin’, then you ain’t makin’ the choice. The choice is makin’ you.”

After the dismal week I have had, this quote helped me. It is so true that life is about choices, and in reality who makes those choices…you. In grief you can feel that choices have been taken away from you…that is not true. Life may have thrown you a curve ball, however you still have choices…

1. Choices about how you recover from your grief
2. Choices about how you live the rest of your life
3. Choices about regaining your happiness
4. Choices about finding love again.

What choice do you fear? I think for me it is the choice of taking control of my life again ? 

I spoke with an old friend tonight, who lost her husband in a road accident about 5 years ago. His death was a shock and she went through a severe depression resulting in quite a dependency on anti depressants. She really could never imagine life without him and we feared a suicide bid.

She phoned to announce her engagement to a wonderful man who she met at a local grief support group. She never believed that she would be able to love again, yet she has not only found love, but a happiness that is wonderful to see.

I asked her if she could give any advice to people, this is what she said

“Grief is a tunnel, as you enter you can see only darkness. It feels lonely, cold, damp - from all the tears. But if you keep on walking, keep on moving through that tunnel, then you will see a light. Small at first but keep going, because that light will become stronger. I will never forget him, my love will always be there - loving someone else will never take that away” 

I was speaking with a friend last night who has just found a new love, she was widowed about 4 years ago and had struggled with life after her husbands death. Last night she said something that I thought was worth sharing…

“I suddenly realised that I wasn’t married. When you take you vows you are   married until death us do part. I realised whether I saw myself as married or not…I wasn’t! I know this sounds strange but I knew I still loved him, nothing could change that, I knew nothing would bring him back and finally I accepted that death has meant that I no longer am married….acceptance meant that I could move on”

Funny, I had never thought about it like that…now I know many of you still can’t see yourself loving again, but neither could my friend and she has found a wonderful new man who will never replace her husband but in her words can still enhance her life in the future…..

It is a question that often comes up in my mind. Firstly, I feel guilty about even thinking about falling in love again, I feel I don’t want to love again as though that would somehow be wrong and yet I know that there is nothing I can do to bring him back. I am still alive and still have a life to live.

Life in reality is about love. We learn to love in our young lives through our families. Love is something that as humans we need, that we seek as a basic need of living happily.

Love is a wonderful feeling, a feeling that I would want every person to feel during their lives. So should we feel that we can love again?

For all the guilt we feel…I still think that the answer is yes. Whether we are ready, is another question and one that will be different to each person. But falling in love in the future is not something we should feel guilty about….it will never take away our previous loves, it will never take away the memories that we have and hold forever.

The world needs love, the world is better when people show love and for that reason I think we should allow ourselves to love again. We are still capable of giving love to this world and I think it would be wrong to shut those emotions down. If we shut them down we lose a part of us, a part of us that our spouse fell in love with….I see that when the time is right, I will share my future life with someone else…it will be different I know, but different means that I will never forget him.

I just love stories that show us hope, that show us that we can find love again. I read this heart warming story

Here is a snippett from the story of Edna L. Fugiel, 77, and Michael C. Fugiel, 88, for whom love has proved timeless and ageless.

“After my husband died, I wrote on a little piece of paper ‘Please God, give me someone to love me for who I am and for me to love. It disappeared from my dresser, and I think God took it,” she added.
Along with becoming acquainted in the bereavement group, the two danced together in a ballroom dancing class before they became friends and then starting dating. ….

“We are laughing every day. We have no arguments,” he said. “Just being together is great.”

“We talk all the time and laugh all the time. All we have to do is look at each other and we laugh,” his new wife added.”

For any widow or widower who feels that they will never love again, what a wonderful story to say that we never know when that special someone will enter our lives and capture our heart. Well done, and I hope they share some fantastic memories together

Possibly one of the most famous widows is Yoko Ono, who was married to John Lennon. She is 74 now and is just launching a new album - at 74! Speaking on metromix.com she says

”

Although she hasn’t released an album of all-new material in more than a decade, she’s stayed current with remix records like the recent “Open Your Box,” featuring Basement Jaxx and Pet Shop Boys. But at the age of 74, Ono isn’t looking to define herself. Asked what audiences can expect from her on stage, she answers, “Me. They can expect me.”

For someone who lost the love of her life, someone who has been hated for splitting up the beatles - she has shown a huge amount of resilience over the years. The sentence that stands out for me in the interview is ‘Me. They can expect me’

So often when we lose our soulmate we struggle to see how we can continue. You are a unique person, you are you….be confident in yourself, find the real you and then as you feel stronger…let the world see you   - not the widow, not the grief stricken soul but the beautiful person that radiates inside of you. That person is inside, that person was someone who captured your loved ones heart….find it again, to live again.

I got a comment about how to meet new people. I think the first thing I would say is that just like something that you have lost and are looking for - if you search too hard then you cannot find it! For me, it is about putting yourself back in a social circle, enjoying the company and looking for friendship that may grow in the future. Some ideas that I have are

1. Join a local interest club - walking, pottery, heritage, music
2. Take a course - learning a language, computer skills, cookery - whatever you would like to learn.
3. Hold a themed party or barbecue and ask friends, family
4. Join on line groups that are for widows, widowers, bearevement
5. Join a bereavement support club
6. Start a sport - my mum at 76 took up crown green bowls!
7. Join a volunteer group - bonus of helping others whilst meeting new people
8. Arrange a holiday - one that is for singles with similar interests - I went on a walking holiday

The key is about being out there, learning to be YOU again, learning to enjoy life again without feeling guilty. I am a believer in givers gain - when you meet someone ask how you can help them, ask questions about them - people love to talk about themselves.  

Anyone else got any ideas?

When you lose someone it is very difficult to ever see yourself loving another. And yet as humans we have this ingrained emotion that needs to be loved and to love. But will anyone ever take their place?

The answer is no, noone ever will. But your heart has lots of love, it may keep a place that is permanently full of love for your lost spouse, but it does create space for others. Remember, during the grief porcess you change, your priorities change, you grow emotionally. In reality, you are not the same person and because of that you are probably for something different from a future partner.

I think the key is not rushing, when your heart heals it will react to someone…it will feel again. For me this is something that your heart does and is very difficult to control. You know when you are ready, when you feel that emotion again when you meet someone.

Has anyone found love again successfully and wants to share the new feeling?