Widows Quest » friendship

Are we really trying to let go?

Anna Farmery — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 18:55:45 +0000

Grieving means that we need to find a way of facing our future. Often people refer to letting go of the past and this can feel uncomfortable as a widow or widower. We don’t feel like – or ready to – let go of the memories and love. You can feel in some way guilty of moving on, in some way that the memories are the only thing left and if we give those up…then what?

It dawned on me when having our Widows Support Group, that are we really trying to let go? Or are we trying to let in?

Letting go of the past is difficult and painful and in reality not something that we want to do…but what we need to do is…

Find a way of letting other people in…..if we can find a way of letting others in then we can find happiness, love and friendship which helps creates that happier future.

So out with the letting go….and in with the letting in?

Post from: Widows Quest

Did you have a Good Friday?

Anna Farmery — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:10:41 +0000

With yesterday being Good Friday, it made me thinkg about the ‘good’ ness you need in your life to ensure you come through the grief cycle. Here are 10 ‘Goodnesses’ for widows and widowers

Good friendship
Good health
Good nights sleep
Goodbye to yesterday, good day to tomorrow
Good hugs
Good healthy eating
Good news to inspire the new tomorrow
Good amount of courage
(A) Good time….(learning how to again!)
Good luck

Post from: Widows Quest

Before the Flower Came the Bud

Anna Farmery — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:36:04 +0000

I am staring into my garden as I type this post and seeing the first shoots of Spring. As I watch the little buds I keep thinking

How amazing they know just when to come out and be safe from the harsh frosts
How each flower starts as a nervous bud until it feels ready to flower
How although they withstand an element of what nature throws at them, they still need certain elements to flourish – the right amount of light, the right nutrients etc

It just made me think how similar to a widow or widower. We are in many ways those brave little buds growing again for a new time in our lives. We can often feel unsure of how to cope, when to reenter the world but at some point we need to trust in the world again. We will never show our true inner beauty unless we brave the world!

And we too in our grief, need nutrients of love, understanding, friendship and even tough love to get us through…they are our nutrients that allow our buds to shine again.

So no matter where you are in the world, no matter the season just take a look at nature today and see the way nature deals with the cycle of life and gradually renews itself……

Post from: Widows Quest

Keeping the pain within….

Anna Farmery — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:15:29 +0000

I know that this will sound strange for someone who writes a blog on grief but I am very insular, very shy about talking about emotions. I think that is why blogging works for me. I never feel as though I am sharing my emotions, maybe it is the barrier of the computer screen.

It means that I never – or rarely – ever tell my friends how I am feeling. I am always ‘fine’ because I don’t want to be one of those people who always seem to be downloading. This last fortnight has been tough for me which has led to some erratic blogging….and my friends are also suffering at the moment so I felt as though I had to deal with my emotions myself. The other day a friend called in and she needed a hug.

The funny thing is that in hugging her and feeling that friendship helped me….the hug helped me. It just made me think how reaching out to others can help you with your depression.

Post from: Widows Quest

Our Widow Quest Friendship

Anna Farmery — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:33:53 +0000

I want to thank you all for your kind words this week, I was trying to put into words how I feel about this community and then I read this poem ….and I thought it was so wonderful, it also reminded me of those that we miss so much

A Friend Most True
© Wendy Hinson 04.03.99

I need to know if you’re my true friend,
will you be by my side until the end?
Can I tell you my secrets deep,
and trust them in your heart you’ll keep?
We are neither of us without our flaws,
can you accept mine as I will yours?
I’ll be a shoulder to cry on when you’re blue,
will you be there for me when I need you?
No matter how busy I will make time for you,
if you are busy will you make time for me too?
I will take your hand and comfort your tears,
will you hold me and soothe my fears?
I will give you joy and many warm smiles,
can we share that even across many miles?
I will not forget what’s important to you,
will you remember what’s important to me too?
With you my most favourite things I’ll share,
If only I know do you truly care?
If you can accept me as I do you,
then I will know you are a friend most true.

Post from: Widows Quest

A Year of Pain, A Year of Hope, A Year of Friendship

Anna Farmery — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 11:45:29 +0000

2008 has been a strange year, a year when I have struggled with my mind. A year in which I have often had to fight hard against the depression and fight with my mind to know that life is so precious. It is a year when YOUR friendship helped me through my grief, YOUR friendship gave me hope, YOUR friendship gave me the strength to carry on and face my fears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for grieving together and holding my hand as we both take small steps to peace and happiness.

Here is a quote from David Bull the former Director of Amnesty International that will hopefully give us strength for 2009

“The world is full of horror and pain, but also of compassion and commitment. If you care you can make a difference. Don’t get down, get active!”

Post from: Widows Quest

Strength in The Company of a Crowd

Anna Farmery — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:59:25 +0000

It is great to see that Widows Quest is helping people. Lynn left a comment on Watching Someone Die that made me think about the comfort this blog brings to me.

C =Creates a sense of belonging

O =Offers different perspectives to grief

M = Meaning – gives me meaning to each day, knowing that writing this blog may help one persons pain or connects me with another widow or widower.

F = Friendship that has no strings just one heart

O = Offers hope for the future

R = Raises my spirits on days when I don’t feel I can live through the pain barrier

T = Together I feel we are stronger, together I feel we can face our fears, together we can find comfort in our lives.

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

When You Know They Are A True Friend

Anna Farmery — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:12:24 +0000

This last couple of weeks have been hard for me as you know, illness always drains your energy and leaves you feeling low. Tonight my friend came over, and I realised the difference between friends and a “true” friend.T = Trustworthy. They value your friendship and you can trust them with your inner most thoughts, knowing that they will be confidential and stay true to your trust.R = Reliability – they never let you down and always there when you need that friendship most.U = Understand when to talk and when to allow that silence.E = Expect nothing from you True friends are the lifeblood of any widow or widower, where would you be without them?

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

The Power of Friendships

Anna Farmery — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 10:42:06 +0000

I write a lot about friendship and the support of friends through the process of grief. I like this article at the Daily Record called The Power of Friendships which says

“When it comes to bereavement, women will have a strong source of support in her friends, while a man may have suffered a double bereavement, losing his wife and friend at the same time.”

Strong platonic friendships can be difficult to sustain, mainly because of other people’s perceptions of them.

“Most of us rarely stop to analyse our friendships, but knowing you have this bond with someone is an incredible source of strength.

“On a day-to-day basis, it’s good to spend time with someone whose company you enjoy and who feels the same way about you – it relaxes you and has all sorts of other benefits, such as sharing experiences, jokes and ambitions.”

Have you a story of how a friendship has grown or how friendship has helped you ? I know that without my friends I don’t think I would have coped. I will never forget my best friend who came to the hospital on his last day, then came and stayed with me on the night. She just held me, not saying anything, just being there…it meant so much

[istockphoto]

Post from: Widows Quest

The Widows Quest Grief Recipe for Coping

Anna Farmery — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:29:31 +0000

I was wondering whether we could come up with a recipe for grief, for protecting that little old heart of ours from the pain of bereavement and losing the love of our lives? Here is my starter for 10, feel free to leave a comment on anything that may be missing

Our Grief Recipe

1 Hug per day

1 Box of Tissues to let the pain out

2 Pairs of Ears to listen without judgement

Several gasps of fresh air each day

1 Cushion to hold through the night

10 Photo albums to keep the memories alive

2 Smiles from people who care each day

1 Hope or wish – that one day we will learn to live again

I suggest that these are all mixed together thoroughly, baked in a nice warm friendship and then served whenever our hearts need them

Post from: Widows Quest