Grief plays with our emotions. Cindy, one of our Widows Quest regular commenters, yesterday felt angry, felt depressed and I felt so sorry for her because I know that feeling. Anger rises when you feel out of control. I feel angry when I want to change what happened, when I think about what a great man he was and how death seems to take the good ones, when I don’t know how I will pay next months bills, when I want to feel happy and I just don’t…

So what do I do to cope with the anger

1. I allow myself to be angry. Anger is a sign of grief. It is a sign that I am going through the grief cycle.
2. I talk to friends who understand that grief and who understand that I need to be angry.
3. I then put on some music that makes me smile, I sing at the top of my voice and just the upbeat music lightens the mood.

Now step 3 won’t work for all but in essence I think we cope with grief if we accept the anger, allow the anger out and then find something that takes the anger away, something that makes us smile……Cindy hope you are feeling better today.

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With yesterday being Good Friday, it made me thinkg about the ‘good’ ness you need in your life to ensure you come through the grief cycle. Here are 10 ‘Goodnesses’ for widows and widowers

1. Good friendship
2. Good health
3. Good nights sleep
4. Goodbye to yesterday, good day to tomorrow
5. Good hugs
6. Good healthy eating
7. Good news to inspire the new tomorrow
8. Good amount of courage
9. (A) Good time….(learning how to again!)
10. Good  luck

Sometimes I feel that I have developed a split personality since my bereavement. Why? Because one moment I feel so much love and such happiness that I have felt the most incredible love and then the next moment I am angry…angry to have lost that one special person in my life.

From love to anger and back again in 60 seconds.

In one sense I love it as after the death I thought I would never be able to feel again, that my whole emotional being had shut down so that I never had to hurt again….therefore the anger and the love, show me that underneath that protective layer I can still ..

I think in learning to cope it is not about getting rid of the emotions, it is about taking out the peaks and troughs of the emotion, it is about taking the emotions from an extreme like anger to a more liveable ’sad’

Death maybe the end in one sense, but death is only the start of finding more and more about yourself

is something that will happen to all of us, death surrounds us every day either personally or in the news, death is as normal an event in our lives as birth when you think about it. Yet as a society we find it hard to speak about it, we feel uncomfortable, I know often I feel as though I will be portrayed as morbid blogging about it!

I often wonder why this natural part of the life cycle is so taboo?

• Is it because we reject pain as human beings?
• Is it because it feels unnatural as we believe somehow we should live forever?
• Is it because the words associated with it - like loss - are negative or harsh sounding - like death?
• Is it because it makes us face our own mortality?
• Is it because there are no words that can express our grief, or the grief of others?
• Is it because we feel we should be able to cope with bereavement?

I would love to know your thoughts and how we can break this taboo because widows and widowers will only move through the grief cycle when they can talk openly, when they receive empathy, we they can be empathetic to their own feelings. The pain we all feel is natural, the pain we all suffer is understood….so how do we ensure that society can cope with the subject of death? If we can find that answer then we may find that we are all more prepared for the loss of loved ones around us.

The more I listen to people, the more that times passes I wonder why we term the bereavement process - a grief cycle? Shouldn’t it be the grief rollercoaster?

There is no clear path to recovery, I jump all over the place…one day fine, the other depressed. I even feel sick at times just like a rollercoaster ride.

Maybe this is just me but from now on I think I will see my journey through grief as a rollercoaster….and remember a rollercoaster ride can be exhilarating and there are days when I am so proud of what I achieved that even that emotion consumes me.

It struck me today how widows and widows are often searching for meaning to their new lives, how they suffer because of that search for real “meaning”…….and I suddenly realised the irony!

To be mean, is to be awful…..when we are searching for that meaning we can often be cruel to our own heart, mind and soul. We take them on a dark path, often depressive of nature in the hope that in the darkest moment we will find something bright…how ironic that the word mean has two such different definitions and yet so both true during the grief cycle.

Maybe we should think of it as in search for loving……maybe that way we can take our mind, body and soul on a happier journey of personal discovery

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I am constantly surprised at how many paradoxes there are during the grief and bereavement cycle. Let me share some 

1. How death makes you value life
2. How you are tired during the day and can’t sleep at night
3. How you miss those irritating habits somehow the most
4. How loneliness happens most in crowds
5. How you are strong when people expect you to be weak, and how you are weak when people expect you to be strong
6. How you cry even with no tears

I am sure I have missed some out, as most days I think widows and widowers struggle with two conflicting thoughts, with emotional rollercoaster feelings and swaying between coping and crumbling…. 

Well friends I am finally back home, though I have to go into hospital for a couple of days next week for more tests…yuk! At least the pain has gone though the body is weary.I was reading about ways to calm and cleanse your mind, something that is so necessary throughout that grief cycle. Eckhart Tolle says that taking a breath of fresh air is one of the most calming, cleansing ways to elevate your awareness. He suggests that deep long breaths has the potential to deepen your senses. He also suggests this exercise

“Notice the sensation of breath. Feel the air moving in and out of your body. Notice how the chest and abdomen expand and contract slightly with the in and out breath….One conscious breath (two or three would be even better), taken many times a day, is an excellent way of bringing space into your life”

I am going to try this because I don’t know about you, my mind just seems cluttered. I am thinking about what happened, thinking about how to cope, about why I am not coping with grief better, thinking about what’s for tea, thinking how much I hurt…..oh the simpler answer is what I am not thinking about!Our minds are so powerful. Death takes breath away in more ways than one, as widows and widowers we need to find a way of bringing that breath back to our lives….have you any tips? 

I came across this quote which made me smile about the heartbreak you feel when you are going through the grief cycle

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.”  ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

I think it sums it all up!

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Each Sunday I post a  set of articles to help us think more positively about the future. The grief cycle is tough and we often need a little help to find happiness again. So thank you to all those who submitted their articles

Peter Murphy presents How To Keep A Conversation Going - The 10 Simple Steps posted at Communication Skills Power.

Chris Edgar presents Owning Our Disowned Energies posted at Purpose Power Coaching, saying, “Many of us worry that, if we show the world who we truly are, we’ll be hurt—in other words, we’ll be destroyed for “being ourselves.” Perhaps the part we’re afraid to show is our anger, vulnerability, sexuality, or something else. If this is true for you, I invite you to try this simple technique: just admit to yourself, without judgment or reservation, that the part you’ve been concealing exists.”

Richard Onebamoi presents Three Essential Keys for Success posted at SELF-IMPROVE-BLOG, saying, “The ability to take action strategically is perhaps one of the most important single skills of achieving personal and professional success. Strategic action may be defined as the process to ensure successful achievement of personal or professional goals and objectives and this is the essence of strategic action.”

Brain Blogger presents Laughter is the Best - and Possibly Oldest - Medicine posted at Brain Blogger, saying, “We have all heard the old adage before: laughter is the best medicine. But, it might just be among the oldest medicine.”

AndrewB presents How far do your horizons expand? posted at Personal Hack, saying, “In my opinion, our worst enemy as humans is our own mindset. It’s our very selves that hold us back from taking what we really want in life and keep us locked up within ourselves.”

Nathalie Lussier presents Being Grateful for What You Have posted at Billionaire Woman.com, saying, “Being grateful for what you have is a great way to overcome negative circumstances in your life.”

Applying the Law of Attraction presents Three Sure Ways to Create Lack in Your Life posted at Applying the Law of Attraction Membership Library, saying, “When you try to attract abundance and prosperity into your life, you probably focus on techniques like affirmations and visualizations, as well as staying receptive…”

Daylle Deanna Schwartz presents The Law of Attraction and Service People posted at Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat, saying, “Next time you want great customer service, use the Law of Attraction and kind but effective approaches.”

Dianne M. Buxton presents Everyday Spirituality and Your Miracle on a New Earth posted at manifestingsuccess, saying, “This is one of the pieces of the puzzle, and I hope it helps.”

Erin Pavlina presents How do you recover after an emotional setback? posted at Erin Pavlina’s Blog, saying, “How do you raise your energy when you’ve been stepped on and emotionally trounced by another person, and your self esteem is so low that you can’t even imagine ever being happy again?”

Bill Urell presents Addictive Relationships: Are You Aware Of Theses 7 Signs of An Addictive Relationship? posted at Addiction Recovery Basics, saying, “Do you know the tell-tale signs of an addictive relationship? This article reveals 7 signs.”

kenny mc bride presents The answers are easy, It’s the questions that are difficult! posted at Positive Thinking - A Realistic Approach.

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