As widows and widowers I believe forgiveness is a big part of coming through grief

• Forgiving yourself. I spent so much time wishing that I had done things differently. That I had prioritised family more than work, not that this was deliberate but I look back wishing that I had enjoyed more time at home rather than feeling tired alot. I realise now that the time has gone, that I did the best that I could, that he worshipped me and loved me for my energy with work.
• Forgiving the world for taking him from me. I realise that there is no logic why the good people are taken from us, just that death happens…..and we never know when, we never know where and that I must accept that it was just his time.
• Forgiving him. This sounds harsh and yet I have felt angry that he left me alone…..It wasn’t really anger, it was hurt because I loved “our love” and just wished that we could still be together.

Forgiveness is hard and yet to move on in grief you need to find it in your heart to forgive….after all what is the alternative to live a bitter life? That wouldn’t me, it wouldn’t be the person that my loved one wanted in his life. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting - it just means letting go of the negative and keeping the positive.

Each week I ask for articles that will help us through our grief, thank you to all who have contributed…enjoy!

Alvaro Fernandez presents Debunking 10 Brain Training/ Cognitive Health Myths posted at SharpBrains: Your Window into the Brain Fitness Revolution, saying, “Think about this: How can anyone take care of his or her brain when every week brings a new barrage of articles and studies which seem to contradict each other?”

Aparna presents Your personal bill of rights posted at Beauty and Personality Grooming.

Warren presents Positive Priming posted at GenerallyThinking.com, saying, “The environment around you can shape so much of your life, from subtle behaviour changes, to - amazingly - your biological age! Very important stuff!”

Ken Siew presents #8: Think Big, Start Small, Grow Fast, Die Empty! posted at Think Big & Think Money - Guide to Success & Wealth, saying, “Follow these 4 steps in your journey of life!”

Stephen Martile presents How to Squash Negative Thoughts - 6 Ways posted at FreedomEducation.ca by Stephen Martile, saying, “Here are six ways to get rid of that little trickster between your ears. Check out these 6 negative thought squashers.”

Emma Taylor presents 100 Online Journal Tools for Your Self Improvement & Discovery | Psychology Degrees posted at Psychology Degrees.

Craig Harper presents Functionally Dysfunctional - Part 1 posted at Motivation - Renovate your life with Craig, saying, “Far too many people inhabit the I’m-not-good-enough paradigm and that – not their ability- stands between them and their potential to impact the lives of others in a meaningful and positive way.”

Lucky Balaraman presents Finding Unshakable Happiness: The 5 Pristine Pillars posted at Calm and Cool.

Erin Pavlina presents How To Get Out of Hell posted at Erin Pavlina’s Blog, saying, “Just in case you ever find yourself in Hell, it’s probably a good idea for you to know how to get out of it.”

Taylor Coburn presents Breaking The Pattern posted at Motivia, saying, “Notice the patterns in your life and achieve your goals faster than ever.”

Jirel presents Reviewing the day positively posted at Positive and Successful Lifestyle tips.

Paula Kawal presents The Pendant Speaks posted at Journey Inward Productions, saying, “Last week my husband and kids got a stomach virus all at the same time. I was the only one who was well and I spent several days and nights rushing from person to person doing anything I could to make them comfortable. As they were recovering, I energetically as well as physically cleaned house before becoming ill myself…”

Suzanne presents Add 10 minutes of laughter to your day posted at Without Dash.

Sean Hubbard presents Your brain, use it or lose it? posted at ICANIQ.COM - Positive Attitude and building minds.

Catherine VanWetter presents To the Heart of the Matter - Inner Peace Tip - Practicing Gentleness and Forgiveness With Yourself posted at To The Heart of the Matter, saying, “What I have learned over the years is that much of the behavior we coin as a “bad” habit has actually been a very clever way for many of us to survive in a life that is sometimes less than kind. So how does one put down a habit that has been controlling their life?”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our carnival submission form.

This week saw the world lose Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, two people who were very prominent entertainers during my teenage years. Whenever someone famous dies I always have mixed emotions

1. The sense of loss of their genius - the sense that we will miss their brilliance and of course just the utmost feelings for their family.
2. Confusion how the world can focus on the death of one person, when each day people lose people their love and face death without the sympathy or empathy of the world.

Death is such a private feeling and yet when someone famous dies..the grief is forced to be so public. I have no idea how families cope with the world looking at them….but then I wonder whether it may help them? When I suffered my loss I wanted to talk about how great they were….maybe, just maybe the world grieving and talking may help your loss? What do you think?

Yesterday I posted about how to start moving forward through grief by giving ourselves some targets. It was great to see that is helped Leslie  - a major contributor to this community, but I thought I would now add how I make sure that the words don’t stay on a piece of paper - how I “try” and put them into action each day.

1. I put my goals on post it notes and spread them around the house -  the bathroom mirror, the fridge door etc. This means that the dreams are constantly in my eye line and that they help me to stay positive.
2. I put my legacy as my screensaver on my PC.
3. I have put my goals into my diary….I have spread them throughout the year.
4. Near to the goals I have put photo’s up which show me happy, laughing. I have deliberately chosen photos which are just me….to remind me of the feeling of being happy.
5. I have asked my best friend to email me regularly to ask me how I am doing against the goals. I think the fact that I have shared them means that they are more real.

Bereavement is hard, and we have to find ways of replacing the depression with happy thoughts…this is how I do it….do any of you do anything similar?

Facing the future as a widow or widower is difficult as you struggle to leave the past behind. Indeed you don’t want to leave the memories. I believe we need to think about

One to lose the desire to live in the past

One to to find a desire to live for the future

It is not easy that is for sure. We must draw on the fact that we have desire when you think about it….because we desire our loved one back in our life. It is not the desire that is missing, it is the ability to use that desire to live our life forward not backwards.

You may be reading this and thinking “I can’t”, well I spoke to my friend who lost her husband three years ago and she said “Today, I woke up and suddenly started thinking about the future. I live with the pain today, the memories of the past but now with the desire to live life to the full”

If you are down today, you may want to cry…that is fine. But never lose that belief…belief will see us all through the grief.

..is that if we allow pain to change us for the worse than the loss has been in vain. Any change in your life will feel uncomfortable and none more so than grief. However, life is all about evolution - indeed in a way death is about evolution, death is required for life to continue on this wonderful planet.

We can’t stop death as much as we would all want to….I think that is one of the hardest things to come to terms with….but death is bad enough, without us allowing the loss to change us into a worse human being or a human being who doesn’t live for the moment.

Why do I write this today? Well I read a note in a card today from my loved one. He wrote

“We will never know how how much time we will have to enjoy our love, lets make sure that each day, each hour, each second is not wasted”

He may be gone - I can’t change that….but those words live on. I, myself, do not know how much time I have….and so I keep telling myself that as hard as it feels…lets not waste it.…lets be the person we want the world to see rather than the person grief can make us become.

It has been a while since I jotted down my thoughts. Tonight grief is leaving me numb…not happy, not sad just numb..I wrote this down and maybe you will connect with this kind of grieving

When we face those days when we don’t know how

To face the world and carry on

We must remember that life is a gift to all

And remember to smile and stand up tall

A smile can wash away the fears

And a hug from a friend take away the tears

Grief is not easy but then life is hard too

It is not what we think it is what we all do

And how do we find that will to pull through

Remember them looking and saying “I love you”

They are looking over us from heaven above

Continuing to support through our eternal love

Grieving is so hard to explain, that I wonder why as human beings we even try to explain? Maybe it is just me but somehow I want to try and explain the feeling and in reality there are no words that fully describe bereavement, mainly because it changes so fluidly.

It just made me think how for all the words we have in the world, we cannot explain

It just made me think how for all the words in the world why try, as it won’t help someone understand unless they have suffered the same grief?

It just made me think that we would hurt so much less if we just didn’t think!

As we have enjoyed meeting online for the last two months, I thought I would try and arrange a session for July. If you want to speak to other people who understand about grief, who will listen and share their tips on coping with bereavement…then why not sign up at our widows quest wiki. On the site are 3 suggested dates 2nd, 3rd or 4th July….let me know which one would work for you. We base it on 6pm New York time.

What do I get out of these sessions?

• The feeling of belonging. That I am with people who just…well understand.
• Happiness. People are so good at sharing stories and often such funny memories which make me laugh.
• The feeling of not being alone. Listening to others show me that grief is like a roller coaster….that I am not weak, I am just grieving.

I do hope that you will join us….it is very informal and totally free!