1. Why is any day any more important than any other…when missing someone?
2. Time in some ways helps you cope with anniversaries but never takes away the pain.

I also find that the biggest benefit is that other people give you space, they understand that you may not be 100%, they accept more easily that you are grieving.

The rest of the time although you clearly will never get over the pain, people who don’t understand grief think that you should be progressing back to …what would you say ‘normality’? Mind you that then begs the question what is normal anyway

Somehow on an anniversary which in many ways to the widow and widower is just another day of heartache…the world stops judging you and allows you to grieve….they send cards, maybe ring, give you a hug….

In a way this seems harsh and yet I think the world is right…if the world constantly tiptoes round us then we will never get through the grief cycle?

How do you feel about anniversaries?

Post from: Widows Quest

When I am gone, release me, let me go.

I have so many things to see and do,
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with too many tears,

But be thankful we had so many good years.

I gave you my love, and you can only guess
How much you’ve given me in happiness.

I thank you for the love that you have shown,
But now it is time I traveled on alone.

So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
That it is only for a while that we must part,
So treasure the memories within your heart.

I won’t be far away for life goes on.

And if you need me, call and I will come.

Though you can’t see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear
All my love around you soft and clear

And then, when you come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and a “Welcome Home”.

Post from: Widows Quest

When nothing seems right, when all hope is lost

Then I come here to our Widows community

And you my friends, hold my heart until it can beat once more

I fear, I grieve, I miss, I long, I struggle to breathe

Nothing will get me through this pain

Then I come here to our Widows Quest community

And you hold my heart until it can beat once more, on its own

I want you to know that you are my friends

My guiding lights from the dark tunnel of death

I want you to know dear friends that

Whenever your heart needs holding I am here too

We may have suffered loss, but in our grief we gain

We gain through friendships, we gain through shared pain

Pain that no one, other than us can truly understand

When people ask what is Widows Quest? I will now say

A place where your heart is held, until it can beat once more…on its own

Post from: Widows Quest

The pain of losing a child is immense, my thoughts go out to anyone in this position. Often I say that death is natural, death is part of “life” and yet when a parent loses a child it just seems wrong. I hope that as we give comfort to the Camerons we also think of all the parents of the war casualties – they may not be houshold names but their lives have been given to protect our society and I for one think about those brave soldiers each day.

We can never stop death but we can be there for those who grieve and offer our love….xx

Post from: Widows Quest

“I should be able to cope, it has been 5 years. This is silly, why am I crying and why do I feel that I cannot cope?”

Gosh we have all been there. I said to mum, far from being “silly” it was absolutely normal. I encourage her to see this as her heart taking a few hours to remember Dad. The rest of the year, it copes without the everyday interaction with Dad’s heart. It has learned to cope with the pain, it has learned to heal the wound of grief. The least we can do, is allow it to have a day when it can cry, when it can remember the love and remember the loss. That doesn’t mean to say that it is breaking forever, it doesn’t mean to say that it is weak….far from it, it means that it is a living heart that has not lost the capacity to love.If you are struggling from an anniversary of a death, or even a break up of a long term relationship, remember there is nothing wrong in letting those tears flow, there is nothing wrong in feeling the pain. Then once you have allowed your heart to grieve, find those way that will brighten that heart again to cope with the next year. The mixing with family, friends and also the setting of little targets for it to aim for…Our hearts sometimes need us to be supportive and strong for it…..too 

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Post from: Widows Quest

F = Fear lessons when we break it down. We can say we are fearful of the future….then think about what specifically frightens you…the future is too general. Is it money, is it being alone, is it the odd jobs around the house! Then develop a plan of how you will cope with the specific situation – for instance I now have a wonderful odd job guy, he is retired and he loves helping me out. I love having someone I can trust around….

E = Exists only in your imagination. The fear is not real, it is an illusion, it is a picture we are creating because we are new to the situation. Understanding that it is not real, you can take steps to prevent the reality coming true.

A = Afraid. We are faced with a situation in which we feel vulnerable, we feel insecure. So work on taking away that vulnerability. Meet someone before going out or for instance, I keep my mobile phone by my bed with my neighbors number ready. I know that if I press that button he will be around in a couple of minutes. That gives me a feeling of security.

R = Reject fear! It is our choice whether we feel the fear or not….so let’s choose not to be frightened! If I know that there is an event coming up that scares me, then I rehearse in my mind feeling excited, exhilarated by it…rather than frightened.

What did you fear most and how are you working on overcoming it?

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Post from: Widows Quest

Mum has a large garden. She is 78 and struggling to keep on top of the garden. I live 80 minutes drive away so I can only go back once a week/fortnight to help out. Anyway, this week gave me a strong lesson in communication.

She knew I was going over to put in a 8 hour day, yet had hurt her leg the day before – trying to do the work. I was frustrated. When I got there, Mum knew that I was distant, the atmosphere was bordering on being frosty so I said

“Mum, when you tire yourself, when you do too much, despite knowing that I am coming over to do the work…it maddens me. It feels like you don’t listen, it feels as though you don’t want me to help? I feel powerless stopping you doing too much. The anger is that you seem to not value me wanting to help”

She looked at me, pale with tiredness with tears in her eyes and said

“I value the time I have with you – that is why I do it. I am not trying to be stubborn, I am trying to ensure you don’t see me as a burden, trying to ensure that you don’t suddenly not want to come over because you have to work so hard…..You see I value our time much more than the garden”

I laughed and gave her a hug. There was me, angry that she wouldn’t listen, that she seemed to want to do everything herself, that she seemed not to care – that I cared. There was Mum, caring too much.

It made me think about how many times we THINK we are communicating and in fact we are communicating the opposite message than we want…why because the two people, have two motivations. 

To communicate, you need to understand both motivations first…communicate second

It also made me think h ow much our time is valued by others…..do we really understand the value of time before we lose someone close to us?

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Post from: Widows Quest

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

As widows and widowers we need to be strong and being able to forgive the death that has affected our lives so much is the first step to starting to rebuild our lives.

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Post from: Widows Quest

“I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming that comes when you finish the life of the emotions and of personal relations; and suddenly find – at the age of fifty, say – that a whole new life has opened before you, filled with things you can think about, study, or read about…It is as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you.”

When we lose our spouse especially later in life, we can draw the conclusion that there is nothing left for us. Interestingly, my mum who was 78 this week has more hobbies and interests now, then when Dad was alive. She misses him hugely, she still grieves however, she has found a new life. She is inspiration for all of us that there is a new life out there…..as she describes it…..

“My life was your Dad, my life was being a great partner. It took me time to realise that no matter how much I pray that he will come back…he won’t. So I realised that I had to stop living as a widow and living my lifeas me. Do I miss him, each second but do I enjoy all the new experiences…yes. Life is for the living, when that comes to an end I will be with him again”

I know what she means, part of me has died….yet there is a part of me that was suppressed which I can now release. That feels guilty to say, I don’t want you to think that in anyway that lessons the grief, it just gives me hope for enjoying life in the future…..I suppose you could say, it is truly a Widows Quest!

Remember to help me to honor Dad’s memory by sending in your stories, dedications to your loved ones. You can email them to me at anna@b5media.com by 10 August

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Post from: Widows Quest

“I believe that the loss of a loved one does change you forever but that the change isn’t always a bad thing. The days will come when the smiles will take over the tears when talking about our loved ones. Everything we go though in  this life as an affect on us death is no different.”

It was the last sentence that made me really think…”everything we got through….has an affect on us, death is no different”

She is right. Death is yet another challenge, another event that shapes us as people. If life was perfect, I am not sure we wouldn’t be bored! Life is imperfect because humans are imperfect. Life is not what we are given, life is what we make it.

When you grieve, you are wanting life to change…..to be perfect…to want eternity. In reality, that wouldn’t be life. Life has a start and an end, we may wish that they had lived longer, we may wish that they were still here….but maybe we should just make one wish – that

Others get the chance to love like we did…

Don’t forget to get your memorials, your stories, your poems in for our special Rememberance Day on August 12

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Post from: Widows Quest