I was a huge Princess Diana fan, and I have felt so deeply for her two boys since her death in 1997. As I often remark I cannot imagine going through your grief under the public eye, I cannot imagine doing that as a child.

This week Prince William became the Royal Patron of the Childrens Bereavement Charity and spoke about his grief as a child. I particularly connected to two things that he said.

1) Initially, there is a sense of profound shock and disbelief that this could ever happen to you. Real grief often does not hit home until much later.

2) The theme is “Silence”. The silence that death leaves. The silence of death’s taboo. The silence of listening.

Both of these were true for me. I don’t even think that even now the grief has truly come out - mainly because I don’t allow it. I was always taught the upper lip way and I think that is still within me. I wish that the grief would come out - and this blog is part of the process - but added to the idea of silence that is how I know it is still there.

Image: sxc.hu

…just remember that you are its friend, its confidente, its means of recovery. It means

B = Being there to let it cry as crying relieves the pain

R = Remembering that even when a vase breaks, all it needs is some glue to put it back together. That glue in grief is hope, love and friendship

E = Enjoyment. Your heart needs to balance pain with enjoyment. Enjoyment is the fuel for it to grow and mend. Don’t feel guilty about laughing, going out …..your heart needs that to mend that break, it needs the fuel of life to cope with death. No matter how down you feel try and do one thing that will bring some joy…a walk, a telephone call, a film…

A = Allow the pain don’t hold it in, yet try and control that downward spiral. Allowing times to grieve is so important but so is forcing yourself through that pain barrier to live again…no one else can do that just you…and you know all of us don’t believe that our hearts will ever mend, but in time the break becomes a fracture, that becomes a crack, that becomes a chink - and although it still hurts it can help you grow into a wiser person

K = Keep believing in yourself. Your strength is immeasurable, look at what you have faced already! Human beings are resilient and if we keep going, if we keep believing that joy will come again. To help this bereavement process then give yourself something to look forward to…a holiday, a manicure, a new outfit, a doughnut on a Friday!…Always remember

One beat at a time…

One step at a time

We are all struggling at the moment with our sense of loss and our grief, so I thought I would send you some heart warming news. Today it is my Nana’s 99th birthday. She lost her husband 16 years ago and did not feel that she wanted to live another day, in fact she didn’t want to live another day without him. She is a wonderful example of how widows and widowers can find a new life, no matter how old they are…..

Today she is definitately frail but she still enjoys being around us all and brings a lot of love to our world. I would love it if she lives past 100…we always talked about getting that telegram from the Queen and I would love to share that moment with her. She is so precious to me and her words of wisdom have provided so much comfort to me over the years. Here is a piece of advice she gave me a few years ago

“Don’t live in the past, the past has gone. Don’t live in the future as the future is not here. Live in the moment and make each moment special by making someone smile….”

It struck me today how widows and widows are often searching for meaning to their new lives, how they suffer because of that search for real “meaning”…….and I suddenly realised the irony!

To be mean, is to be awful…..when we are searching for that meaning we can often be cruel to our own heart, mind and soul. We take them on a dark path, often depressive of nature in the hope that in the darkest moment we will find something bright…how ironic that the word mean has two such different definitions and yet so both true during the grief cycle.

Maybe we should think of it as in search for loving……maybe that way we can take our mind, body and soul on a happier journey of personal discovery

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I received a heart wrenching email yesterday, from a reader who just couldn’t face the world. She finished the email saying that I couldn’t know how she felt…..

That is true, none of us can know how someone else is feeling. However, I believe that hope is much better than despair. Let me tell you a true story.

Her heart was breaking, her grief was overwhelming her. She couldn’t face life without him. She spent a week tidying her house, setting her finances straight, seeing her friends….then went and bought her tablets and her drink which was finally going to make her happy…and take her to him. She drove into the countryside and swallowed quickly, she couldn’t wait to get to him. As she saw the sky disappear she suddenly realised that she was going to die….she suddenly realised how much she really did value life. Was it too late?

Fortunately a stranger came by that car and she was rushed to hospital….she recovered slowly and as she strengthened she realised how precious life was, how she didn’t want to die, she just had to learn how to live again. She didn’t know how, but one thing she did know was that she had been given a second chance and she was going to find a way…..not a day has gone by without her thinking

• How much she misses him
• How much she loves her family and friends
• And, how much she values life

So when you think there is no hope, just remember that if we give in there is no hope……however, if we continue to fight there is always hope.

How do I know all this to be true, how do I know that living is a gift….well, the person above was me. I know the feeling but I tell you, not one day goes by that I am not grateful to that stranger…..even when my heart is breaking and I feel like giving up.

If you are that lonely, that depressed then tell us all, let us all be there for you….. just like that stranger was for me….

[istockphoto]

To all my US friends I hope that this holiday season treats you well, I know that holidays are in so many ways tough for people in grief but here are 4 ways to give thanks

• Give thanks to all those around you, whose love has kept you strong
• Give thanks to to your heart for caring so much about you that it has kept beating despite all the pain.
• Give thanks for our community at Widows Quest  - there for all our bad days, to smile on the good days and most of all, to always listen and never judge.
• Give thanks for the love that flows through your veins, that love is the one that will eventually win and help us see that there is light in this world when we are ready.

Maybe we can help make this a great holiday by us giving thanks to all those around us. We may want to think more about who is missing, but you know it may be the time to value the people who are living…..

I was with Mum yesterday, and she started to cry when a song came on the radio. I held her hand as she talked to me about the emptiness that she felt since Dad died. As widows and widowers, we all understand that feeling - that feeling that engulfs you when you least expect it.As we walk around we look the same, maybe a little sadder, maybe a little more remote but in essence we look the same. Yet inside our souls there is a difference, there is an emptiness that leaves a huge void in our heart, in our soul. That emptiness cannot be seen but it sure can be felt.  How did we deal with that emptiness yesterday? Well, I held my mums hand and told her how proud that I am of her, I told her how much I loved her and as long as I had breath in my body I would be there for her. We cannot fill the emptiness but we can help close the hole, by reaching out to others and being there for them. Love may well be different for friends, family and partners but you know the one connection is that loving someone is the most wonderful gift to them, and the most wonderful gift for you. 

[istockphoto] 

As you know it was the anniversary of Dad’s death last week, Mum coped really well. I phoned her on the night and she was really cheerful, laughing with my Aunt. She said, “Oh Anna, this one date is no more important than all the other days in the year. I miss him every day.”Then last night, I phoned her to hear great sobbing at the other end of the phone. She had been away at my Aunt’s last week and that I believe that had helped her cope with the annivesary. When she returned home, she was engulfed with loneliness, depression and an all encompassing grief.  Whilst that seemed totally normal to me, I was hit by something my mum said

“I should be able to cope, it has been 5 years. This is silly, why am I crying and why do I feel that I cannot cope?”

Gosh we have all been there. I said to mum, far from being “silly” it was absolutely normal. I encourage her to see this as her heart taking a few hours to remember Dad. The rest of the year, it copes without the everyday interaction with Dad’s heart. It has learned to cope with the pain, it has learned to heal the wound of grief. The least we can do, is allow it to have a day when it can cry, when it can remember the love and remember the loss. That doesn’t mean to say that it is breaking forever, it doesn’t mean to say that it is weak….far from it, it means that it is a living heart that has not lost the capacity to love.If you are struggling from an anniversary of a death, or even a break up of a long term relationship, remember there is nothing wrong in letting those tears flow, there is nothing wrong in feeling the pain. Then once you have allowed your heart to grieve, find those way that will brighten that heart again to cope with the next year. The mixing with family, friends and also the setting of little targets for it to aim for…Our hearts sometimes need us to be supportive and strong for it…..too 

[istockphoto] 

Just a couple of thoughts for the weekend on the need for hope, the thought of falling in love again and the risk that love brings for your heart - however, for all that pain I would not swap that feeling of real love that I was lucky enough to have,  for anything, would you?

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays”

and

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before.”

[istockphoto]

When I was in hospital recently, I had a lot of blood tests. After the 3rd lot of blood was taken, a big bruise started to form. It made me think that although we learn to live with the pain of bereavement, the pain of grief and even loneliness…do we develop bereavement bruises that may be invisible to us……but others can see.When I think about me, I suspect I have a few bruises on show that I believe others can seeBeing very careful not to open my heart, so I can’t be hurt….for nowReminisicing much more than I used to…Up and down health depending on my state of mindInsecurity and lack of self confidence.Socially less active and more insularEmotionally drained. I seem to have less emotional energy for others, which is very unusual for me Do you have any widow or widower bruises that has been caused by your grief?